My Life As A F1 Racer

I arrive at the track at some point in the day. It's different then the others I have been to before, different twists and turns.

As usual everyone has started without me. I don't know how this happens, I always think I know when the start time is but when I arrive I find everyone at the track is already racing around it.

I see where the start line is and walk toward it to see if I can find someone who can point me in the right direction. I'm not sure where my car is or, now that I think about it, I'm not really sure which one is mine.

When I get to the starting line there is noone there. I notice the racers are coming around for a lap so I turn to watch, hoping maybe I can catch a glimpse of someone I know from another track. Maybe get an idea of if this is a suitable track for me. Who knows, maybe someone will notice my confusion and I can catch them trying to point me somewhere.

They get closer and I realize they are so close together, so fast, so many there is no way I'm going to get a good look. I try anyway. The first few leaders blow by me like I'm not there and then the group that has the majority is next. As I watch them I can tell who is where they are because of luck, or skill, or perseverance, a host of reasons but all of them are scrambling to some goal.

I'm not sure what that goal is but I guess I'll learn that when I get in the race.

I don't see a single person I recognize from before. I look around as the last few cars go by, still no one here but the drivers. Well if I can only talk to the drivers, then I need to find a better place then this, here no one will notice me.

So I walk down the track, looking for a better spot. As I'm walking I try to get an idea of what the track is like, though I can see little of it from here. It doesn't take long before I stop doing that. It's really just a comfort thing, I've done this so many times now to know I can't see enough to actually be prepared.

I still haven't found a good place yet as I hear the F1's approaching me. They are so fast that the first few are gone by before I turn around. The track isn't quite as wide here so I see almost everyone in single file. They sure are going fast though.

Wait. Is that? I think I see a driver that may be my partner! They are wearing the same jacket..

They are! She, or he is giving me a thumbs up! Oh that's great, most of these tracks don't have partners, I find. When there is one though it's usually a lot of fun, a little easier to get around the course. At least that's what I hear, I still haven't gotten on the track yet. But it gives me something to look forward to!

I see ahead of me there is a complicated turn that's slowing the drivers down. Maybe I can wait there and get a few words to or from my partner. Wow am I ever excited! I run all the way to the turn. I'm glad there's no one here now, they'd just be in my way!

I arrive nervous and, excited. I turn and see everyone on their way, speeding toward me but about to be forced to slow down, so I wait. Then I realize..

What do I say? I quickly think, do I ask where my car is, how do I get on the track? And what about them? How is the race going, how long have they been here?

Suddenly I realize I was thinking too long and my partner is almost by me. I don't know what to say so I just yell out the only thing I'm really feeling.

"I'm so glad I found you!"

I wonder if they heard me? I run along side to try and keep up as best as I can to see if I can get a response but it's pointless. Either I wasn't heard or the turn was a little tricky but I didn't see a reaction to make me think I was heard.

Ok, there has to be a better spot somewhere. So I keep walking along the track, hoping I'll find a spot to say and hear a few words. I walk the track for a while and I hear everyone coming again. I turn around and watch everyone go by, there's little point trying to talk to someone here so I just watch. I see my partner coming and I smile, and slowly raise my thumb. I hope they seen. If there was someone around besides the drivers I'd have someone to talk to at least.

I keep moving along the track in hopes of that perfect spot. I stop often at places I think I can try to talk to someone but it's never a good time. Either the drivers need to concentrate and can't listen or it's not difficult and the drivers can just zoom on by like I'm not even there.

I get it, it is a race after all. It would be nice if I could join though. I don't even want to win at this point I just want to see what it's like to drive a F1.

Or drive along side my partner, wow that would be amazing!

Speaking of which, they are coming around again.

I smile and wave... but no wave back? Why not? This is a fast part of the track but not hard, I could have gotten a wave. In fact didn't I get one here before?

Then I realize I've walked the entire track... how many times now? My partner has gone by endless times to see me doing what? Walking? They must know I'm trying to find out how to get started.

Though, everyone else knows how, why don't I? That's probably what my partner is thinking too. That's what the last one thought. A few race tracks ago.

I keep trying to find a good place to try and get someone's attention, anyone. Just so I can get into the race, my partner keeps passing me and I can see them getting more and more upset with me. The other drivers are getting tired of my being being there too.

And where the hell is everyone?

I'm starting to get tired now, I've been walking around this race track longer then I can remember. I still haven't gotten to say anything sensible to anyone, let alone my partner. I called out several "I'm sorry!" as they powered by but I have no way of knowing if I was heard.

I sit at one spot and wait. I'm too tired to keep walking, I'm too tired of trying to come up with different ways to handle the same problem.

It's starting to get painful to watch the other racers go by. I know all their faces now, but I don't know any of the people. I want to be in there with them but I'm not. Seeing my partner is painful to the point of numbing. I get reminded of how much I wish I was there with them because I know how much it's hurting them that I'm not.

I'm pretty sure I seen my partner and another driver who entered the race by themselves tag team passing other cars and drafting each other.

I get it, it's about the race. I just wish I could be the one in there helping.

I lift my head up and look around to see if maybe anyone else showed up but of course not. Everyone is racing in this race, if not they are racing in another one. I'm the only one out here. I'm always the only one out here.

Should I look for another track? Again? I've seen so many, they all look different but they are essentially all the same. I keep trying new ones to see if it will be better then the last.... and that's never the case in the long run. A race is a race.

My partner drives by again and I just watch. They may know I'm here, they may not, I'm getting nothing to tell. I watch as they go by, no one driver paying me any more or less attention then the last, partner included. It seems it doesn't matter at all if I stay or leave no one would know the difference. I've always left for another track, never know how opportunity will present its self, maybe.

Maybe this time I'll stay. I wonder what happens?

Maybe this time I'll stay until everyone goes home and I'll turn out the lights.

Do something helpful at least.

Voicing My Freedom

What is now beginning to dawn on me is I have found a tolerable place for my voice. That is very exciting for me. It has led me to head out on my own a few times and I'm starting to feel little bits of independence. I'm still pretty scared to talk to people, I can't really hold on a conversation. My voice will drop or crack often, and I'm talking pretty low. But I can order tea, I can say hello, I can make purchases.

I can say "Excuse me.". That's nice.

Oh to have a conversation with a stranger and not be scared stiff...

Or talk to a friend and not feel totally awkward.

Anyway, I digress again. I have found a little solace in my voice, enough for me to pick up a prescription and check a 6/49 ticket (nada btw!) on my own in the last few days. The interview forced me out to the public and showed me I can either pass, or people are bothered much less then I think they would be. I'd rather the first one but I'll take the second.

Also, yesterday I went clothes shopping with a friend. I have done it before but in a much more sheltered way. I used to hide behind whoever I was with, have them pay if I wanted something too. This time I bought the items myself, I asked for the change room, walked off on my own without much concern, it was so freeing. I think I felt like a kid the first time they knew it was ok to walk away from mom.

Also the little things, I audibly giggled (according to my friend) when a store employee greeted us both with a "Hello ladies."

And grinned like a fool when a clerk and a manager were discussing a discount for me because the jacket was missing a button and I heard him refer to me as "she".

I'm kinda aching to get a job now as a result of this new found freedom. I want to be out and have to deal with people. I want to be out and have to socialize. You may think "Not the reason for a job." and normally I would agree with you. However I have a personality I need to build, discover, and grown into, and much of that (whether we like it or not) comes from the feedback from others. Work can give me that and have the side effect of giving me money so I can do more of those things in different places.

Like you know, on a date for dinner or something.

Open up one can of worms after another. Why not, right?

Questions

As you can imagine I get a lot of questions from the people I know. Normally if people don't get offended they get curious, and if given enough time they all have some questions to ask. Some do it right away, just a verbal diarrhea of inquisitive words. Others, the majority, ask a few "getting things straight" questions first then come back later with the rest.

I like them. I think people worry about asking questions because they don't want to offend, but really (personally anyway) I find no questions more offensive. Questions, at least sincere information seeking questions, show concern, or interest, or genuine curiosity. I quite enjoy attending to people's curiosity, especially if about me. I imagine I was a bit of a puzzle to the few friends I had that they couldn't figure out. How could you expect them to when I was hiding the main piece and it wasn't even in the same room?

So of course they have questions. Everyone I don't know and I have met, online or in person, has had questions. Maybe there's a little self importance wrapped up in this, but I think other people feel like they have no connection with transgender people. I don't mean in a social/friendly sense, I mean no one has an inkling what a trans person is thinking or feeling, or at least that's how they feel. You know, or if you don't you should, if you meet a transgender person there is a lot of pain behind the face you see now. Maybe they/you are lucky and it's in their distant past. Maybe not so much and they are currently living through it, but you can be guaranteed it's there.

The inquires show me you care. They show me you want to know what I'm going through, or how my day is. Some people look for the pain because they want to do something about it (impossible, but very sweet). Some have a "scientist" like wonder of it, which I can appreciate. Most who ask questions are worried about them being offensive. That is a little tricky to address because I think the answer would be different from every TS you talk to.

The one question I find offensive is about my genitalia. Do I still have a penis? Do I want to have SRS? Those are the ones that bother me. Even a question like "What happens during SRS?" doesn't bother me because that's more information gathering then personal. The reason it does bother me is because it's so personal, and such a big issue for me, my transition, and my mental health. I try not to think about it as much as possible, and I don't like questions reminding me. I think I'm safe in saying many transgender people have issues with their genitalia. Not to suggest the "genital hatred." I mentioned before is rampant amongst us, but it is at least a touchy subject.

That being said, if you want to know the answer to a possible hurtful question be sensible. People can, and do ask me about SRS and manage to do it in a way that's not offensive, or too intrusive. Usually packaging it with a host of other questions can do the trick. That shows that you are curious about all of me, not just what's between my legs.

Actually what offends me the most aren't questions. It's the reaction to those questions, or the reaction to talking to a transgender person (me) that hurts, and here comes the advice I was talking about a few posts ago..

If you are talking to a transgender person, asking them questions or being in the unfortunate position of being who the trans-person is opening up to, don't compare their issues with yours, or someone you know (unless they are also TG). Nothing makes me feel like you give no fucks more then telling me "Oh honey all women go through that." or "Welcome to being a woman."

Fuck you!

People who compare a woman looking her at breasts and thinking "Oh, I wish they were bigger." to a transgender looking at their penis/vagina and thinking "I want it GONE." makes my blood boil. EVERY time I hear that I want to say, "Oh yeah? Care to trade, bitch? I'll take your saggy tits and you can have a male body. There now go be happy.".

I don't though. I know, or I tell myself, they are saying it to somehow try to comfort me. I think it's the idea of trying to make me feel like I'm having "problems" like every other woman, and I should take comfort in that. It really just screams how little you understand though, sorry everyone, it does.

Well another long one. I do hope the main jest of this post got through. Ask your questions! Ask away to me, or another transgender. Just be polite and remember the question you are asking might be offense to that person so approach it sensibly is all, you don't have to wear kid gloves.

The day after.

Around now is when I normally start feeling my mood slide. Days of really high highs related to my transition are just about always followed by very low lows. After the last few days I have been having I have been waiting for the dysphoria to do it's thing and send me in to a haze of depression for at least a day.

It's an evil trick, what the dysphoria does. You feel so good about yourself, on the good days; Feminine, comfortable, expressing yourself, relieved, and usually feeling like everyone is accepting you. The next day (usually) when I see myself, less made up, looking less feminine, looking more like my old self is when it starts. You start thinking things like "See? You aren't a girl, everything yesterday was a LIE. YOU are a lie.". It doesn't take much, or long, before you start feeling like maybe "he's" right. You start wondering if there have been any changes or if it's all in your head. Then the overwhelming feeling of how you'll never be "ok" Your whole life will forever be this back and forth of being yourself and happy, and being everyone else and miserable.

You totally forget about the bliss you had yesterday, or a few hours ago, or just that instant.. (where did it go?). And it wins, every time. Nothing but time makes it go away, time and eventually one thought that slowly pulls you back. Like a reminder to yourself how awful life was last year, 5 years ago, 10. Or a nice comment someone made while you were presenting.

Today I felt it this morning. There's a mirror directly across from my bedroom door that I seen myself in when going for a shower (quick naked run, eek!). As I caught a glimpse my heart sank and I walked back into my room totally dejected. I looked in the mirror in my room and looked at my face, my hair, my moustache, and it was just awful, I'd like a face transplant. I looked at the rest of me though and I noticed I felt pretty good about my body. My skin is nice, I have hips, an ass, my shoulders are smaller. I said to myself, you know not bad really, except from the neck up. Then I thought, it's just a matter of time and that's taken care of too. Electrolysis will eventually fix my moustache, my hair will eventually grow out. makeup is doing a pretty good job as is... it's ok. I went and got my shower, got dressed, put on my makeup, my wig.

At some point I stopped cold as I realized what had just happened a few hours ago. The dysphoria just came to my door and I gave it the jehovah's witness approach. Even when I stopped and realized, I just carried on with my day. It's pretty amazing to be on the other side of the feelings spectrum. To have, upsetting, depressing, or angry emotions be just another emotion rather then the all consuming force they used to be.

Happy me!

So a quick post to inflate my own ego a little. I know this may sound conceded but I don't care. I have never felt like this before and it's overwhelming. Like falling in love or stumbling upon a major discovery, you just want to tell everyone.

I feel beautiful today, I mean really. Feminine, confident, comfortable... even a hint of sexy. This pic is how I went out today for my interview.

After I took this picture I stared at it for a good five minutes.... crying. I look at this picture and I don't see the old me at all. It just seems so surreal to be here...

Out I go!

I went to the interview! I'm almost certain I didn't get the job but it would be because of my hours of availability not matching what they needed. But I don't care, what a wonderful day it was! I even enjoyed the bus ride home, like anyway has said that ever.

I had to wait for 40 min for a bus transfer, but it was by a mall and I wasn't in a hurry so I enjoyed myself. I stopped and looked at some purses (I totally understand women's obsession with purses now!) and some clothes shopping. I stopped and picked up a tea too :)

If anyone had any sort of idea that I am transgender they never let on, though I think the girl who gave me my tea had an idea. Other then that I was getting checked out! It was pretty cute seeing a few young boys with their mothers trying to take a look at me, and one man who was too intimidated to sit next to me so he decided to stand. He eventually worked his way over to me and sat himself down in the seat next to me.

Not to mention the constant quick glances from many people that I caught. I eventually became comfortable and just started to soak it all in, the people watching, the sun on my face, the music I was listening to and I started to feel content. Just knowing that I'm sitting there, not terrified beyond motion, presenting as female and being SEEN as female was an indescribable feeling. I really wish I could explain it to you some how. That one thing almost made the entirety of my past 30 years worth it. It has put in to perspective a lot of things for me, the struggle through this transition, the doubt that this is what I should be doing, the finishing point. It all seems to be in much clearer focus then before.

What a day!

Wow was yesterday a huge day for me! I finally have all of my pieces of ID changed to reflect my new name. I am now officially known as Rebecca!

What an emotional day though. It did feel a little like letting someone go. I was already feeling it as I started the day but as I passed back each old piece it started washing over me. By the end of it all I was exhausted. It was exciting to have it done, for whatever reason it felt very real when I stared at each new card with my name on it.

The photo ID managed to come out looking pretty good. What the hell is that about? I'm fairly certain I'm going to get a letter telling me to come back and have it re-taken, it doesn't look foolish enough.

So it was quite an afternoon. While sitting in line waiting to talk to someone to get my photo ID, the last piece of the puzzle I had nothing to do but think. I was mostly excited, I kinda felt like a kid....

 aaaannnnd I still do. I want to show everyone, lol.

Anyway, I was mostly excited but I was sitting there thinking about how real this is. That's my name now, my ID looks clearly female, it's not really a good option for me to present as male anymore... though I think I get more awkward looks that way now then as female anyway, it's just more real now.

 So there I was feeling all of this and my phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Hi. May I speak with Rebecca please?"

<panic> "Speaking..."

"Oh. We have your resume here.... blah blah blah... would you like to come in for an interview?"

<total dread> "Sure."

"Great, so how does Thursday sound?"

"Sure"

So as my emotional day was coming to it's peak I schedule my first interview since coming out, and presenting female.

See what I mean about how fate tends to shove me straight through my fears? So I've been practicing with my voice all day, and I can barely talk now. That may be somewhat counter productive for tomorrow. We will see.