Hopefully

I've been toying with how to write this next post for a few days now. It started as a result of something my friend asked me, someone who knows a fair number of transgender people. It was something like, "Why don't we hear about positive transgender experience, or why don't people want to talk about positive transgender experience?"

Now out of context of the entire conversation that may sound a little short-sighted or insulting in some way, but I assure you it wasn't as such, but she brought up a good point. Personally, during pride week in this city last summer, I contacted several news organizations with the story of a transgender woman with a positive experience in our city, working, my own apartment, and a drastic change as a result of transition. I got no bites.

Anyway, there is of course plenty of reasons we don't hear many positive stories. For one, news is rarely positive, period. There are lots I can get into, but I'm going to write about the one I can relate to. That is, why wouldn't those of us with positive experiences talk about it?

Why I am hesitant about it is I feel bad. I know of so many transgender people that have had to deal with so much more than I have, and have had less luck in general then I have had when it comes to transitioning. I mean there are a host of things that can go wrong in a transition. Anything from your parents rejecting you to your hormone replacement not working. I have had little trouble in any aspect of my transition, so I can't really relate to how it would feel like to face some like others have. I have felt the complete fear of them though.

I have posted a mix of emotions on this blog so far, and that is for a reason. I think people need to see the "realness" behind transgender life. Not necessarily how "shockingly real" it is, though it certainly can be, but how there are also plenty of transgender people you never hear about that are quietly, happily transitioning, and they have lives like everyone else.

I feel like we need to hear more stories like these. Yes, the stories of Lavern Cox and Janet Mock are just fantastic to hear, but I think it says more for us to see the "Jack and Janes" of the transgender world. For one, the cis-folk out there need to see that we are everywhere. No different than the homosexual movement eventually did, the more that come out the more people see how "normal" we really are and the more comfortable people become.

The more important side, in my opinion, is what it can say to those that still haven't been able to start transitioning because they are too afraid to. I think every one of us goes through this, I know I did. Besides all of the many other questions, doubts and fears you have you also worry about what if transitioning doesn't "work". All I ever heard about was bad stories, ever. As far as I knew not a single transition ended well. I could find only two types of literature. Either people talking about how their lives have fallen apart or people who said nothing about their personal lives other than a hint of "I don't go there anymore." tucked in between the lines.

I'd like to start a trend. There are a lot of trans people that do little but talk about the negative, and I guess that plays it's part. People do need to see how society treats us so we can open their eyes. What I'd like to do is start people talking about how their transition makes them happy. I have already said quite a bit of positive things about my transition and honestly, it has only gotten better. We need more of it.

I have gotten so many messages from people telling me how they wish they could be as brave as me, or wish their life circumstances could allow a transition and it breaks my heart. The fear (and possibly reality) of being another statistic is great enough to keep many people from being themselves. Maybe if they could read more blogs and stories like mine they would have the courage to face their fears. Maybe instead of being afraid of losing someone, perhaps they would hope that person would understand and help them. I'm hard pressed to think of someone with more doubt and uncertainty than a transgender person starting their path into transition, every little bit of hope helps.

Picture This

I often find myself reflecting on my personality and asking myself what parts of me are there because I am transgender. I guess in a way I try to think how the rest of the world must feel about something then compare it to how I feel about it and then decide if growing up unsure of my gender had anything to do with it. Well partially. A lot of the times I think back on things I have thought about myself or have done in the past and I see how being transgender directly affected that.I feel like I can't stop myself from doing this. It feels to me as something that is just intrinsic of who I am. Ironically, it is something that is a result of being transgender, I think.

I struggled with being transgender for years, that is true, but I always kinda knew how different I was. While lack of information was the real culprit, that combination of being transgender and not knowing it was even a valid life option lead to me dealing with who I was, affected who I was, in many ways.

The thing that made it difficult for me to see the truth about myself was that to me, I was "just me". I don't mean that in some cute way, I mean I was just a kid being a kid, like all kids. When I became a teenager and started to become self conscious, like all teenagers do, I realized I had this part about me that didn't fit what was "ok" for a boy to feel like.

Because we we all taught that as young as possible, aren't we? What makes a "good" and "bad" boy/girl/person? From the fire fighter who's a hero and helps people to the kid who's a bully and teases people. I can't say I remember how, but somewhere in my life I learned that boys were not allowed to be like girls. That boys that liked feminine things were perverts and men that liked feminine things were either gay or disgusting (those two words at the time only just starting to not be synonymous).

So what was I?

I know one thing I was, I was lucky. I was lucky that I was born stubborn and confident. For the majority of my teen years I struggled daily with this idea, "I'm a good person, why do I have all of these "bad" feelings, wants and desires?"

I remember being in a girlfriends bedroom, or any females room for whatever reason and I would feel like my world was closing in on me. I wanted to look at everything, I wanted to get some sense of what it felt like to live as a girl at the same time I would be inches away from my horrible secret that it would kill me if anyone found out. I didn't really realize what I was doing, to be honest. There was just something that drew me to these things and living like it that made me feel comfortable. I was just "being me" as before, but now that "me" had a label on it, one that made me hate myself.

In bed after days like these, or similar ones, more often than not I would cry myself to sleep. I'd be asking myself that question, "Why do I feel like this? Only 'bad' people feel like this." I would hate myself for feeling that way, and I mean hate. Hate that manifested itself in everything from cutting myself to year long depression. I would see a girl and think she was beautiful, and instead of imagining feeling her body against mine, I'd imagine what it would feel like to have that body. After realizing what I was feeling, and not being able to deal with it internally, I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't a bad kid, I didn't get into trouble, I didn't drink or be out late or whatever. I think cutting myself with something was the best thing I could come up with that wasn't hurting anyone else and besides, it was to this body that didn't really feel like mine anyway.

That is something else that is a result of being transgender for me. I was never really attached to my body... I'm not sure how else to say it. All of my life the idea of something happening to my genitals didn't really bother me. My body just felt like a box carrying "me" around. This happened later in my life than my teen years, maybe it started in my late teens. I started to gain weight in my early twenties. I was a very healthy and in shape teen, athletic. What happened was I started to gain weight almost at the same time I started to find language to put my feelings into terms that were real. I distinctly remember looking at myself in the mirror after gaining weight and thinking "hey, now I look like I have a hips like a woman." I was pretty pleased with myself. I was wrong, I looked awful, but I saw what I wanted to.

Later in life after allowing myself to buy and wear some female clothing again I realized women's lingerie was not meant to go on a man my size. I told everyone my motivation was seeing the built men on "300" but the truth is it was because I wanted to look good in lingerie. What happened at the same time however was a crushing quasi-relationship that had me hating myself even more and blaming it on this "sick person" I am. So I decided to never go there again, and kept up with the exercising and losing weight until I was too thin. I think I could have been anorexic for a while. Another trait passed on to me from being transgender is listening to what others say about me, and after hearing several people give me the "Uh, you aren't fat at all. In fact you're too thin." talk I started to be sensible about it.

The point I'm trying to make here is being transgender has been hard on my body.

The part that really gets to me when I stop to think about it is how being transgender has affected my mind. Not just my thoughts, and feelings, but my very essence, my beliefs, my desires, my self image. I have lived my life questioning everything about me, a self-doubt that is pervasive throughout everything in my life, everything that makes up me. Questions that the outside world will happily, quickly, and with zero conscious and empathy give you their answers to. I'm not sure if it is fair to say this is true about all trans people, but for me growing up as a transwoman was traumatic. Something that only recent talks with my therapist has me thinking about. Again, to me I was just "being me" going through life, taking and dealing with things like I assumed we all do.

However, like any trauma victim it has left deep scars on who I am that are so much a part of me that I have no idea when they are influencing my life and decisions now. Feeling like no one could ever love me, which is progress from no one SHOULD love me, or feeling like I am my own best company which works out because I also feel like no one wants my company. Having no sense of "self" or who you are because I, until relatively recently never was who I am.

There are other things that being transgender has created in me that are neither horrible, or joyous. Being self reflective was something that was forced on to me. It started from what I mentioned earlier, how I had that one question always in my mind, "I'm a good person, why do I feel "bad" things?". I picked apart everything I did. Every. Little. Thing. Especially anything that had to do with a moral or ethical choice. I had to make sure I was correct, that I wasn't a bad person. It was possible I thought I was good but I actually wasn't. I had read enough to know of the villain who believes he is right in his doings. The time up until reaching the conclusion that I am indeed a rather "good" person was very hard. This was my massive depressive stage. After my depression I started to realize that regardless of what people may think of the OTHER stuff going on in my head, I'm still a good person.

This lead me to another frame of mind that is intrinsic in me now as well. How open minded I am, particularly sexually, or sexuality. After realizing I was a good person even though I felt the way some of the "worst" (read perverted, really) people in the world felt I couldn't help but think that I must not be the only one. I started seeing people in a very different light. I started to see individual struggles. How the people with the worst ones tend to be the most quiet, and how, like me, they have a hard time accepting help. I developed an empathy or these sort of people, something I think my friends picked up on, as I have mentioned before. A part of me wishes I choose a career path that would have lead to me helping those people but I had other things on my mind.

There is a point to this whole post. Yesterday I took a picture of myself. (wtf does all of this have to do with a picture, I know.) This picture is of me with no makeup. I took this picture and posted it to facebook and immediately contacted the few friends I have to take a look, even called my parents. People don't seem to understand what this picture means to me. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like I was faking being a woman. Right or wrong there is a part of me that gets utterly disgusted when I try to look feminine and when I look in the mirror all I see is a crossdresser, basically. (No offense CD's out there). This time though, I came out of the bathroom and walked in front of my full length mirror and had to stop and go back to it to look some more. I couldn't get over how feminine I looked while totally naked, makeup and all.

That changed my entire outlook instantly. It has been so powerful that I could feel my state of mind, emotions, self awareness, sexuality, and more starting to shift all day yesterday. To see a genuine woman looking back at me in the mirror is finally allowing me to feel like a genuine woman in general. My body is beginning to feel like mine now, like it never did before. I'll admit to being a little "catch phrase-y" in the past when describing how significant things have been but this time I'm not sure what to say. I feel like my whole being has started to change. It's hard to imagine such an impact coming from such a simple thing. A picture that, admittedly, doesn't make me look gorgeous, but does make me look decidedly female, and with no make up, no "faking it".

The change is real though, I actually feel like a woman, I am now able to picture myself doing things, like typing on this computer, and see the woman I always felt I was. What is changing is many of the things I started talking about on this post. My self worth especially. I'm starting to feel attractive, desirable even. I'm starting to feel power in my femininity.... power. Imagine?

I feel like I'm running out of ways to articulate myself now so what I will do is leave you with said picture. I barely stop looking at it, I can't believe that is me in the picture. Anyway, take care everyone.

Number One

Well everyone guess what. I have finally had sex with a man. And holy god damn was it ever fun.

I met him over the internet. Of course right? Who actually meets people in person anymore? We talked a bit over a few days and I invited him over. This isn't the first time I have met someone from the internet and every other time was kinda lame. Honestly, the main reason I had him over was I was getting to the point that I had to do this.

Not to long before this actually happened something changed in me. I mentioned a while ago the changes that had happened in my breast, we those changes happened everywhere. My body has gone under some major changes in the last few months, and still is. (more on that later). Along with the physical changes I started to become more comfortable with my body emotionally. It feels so much more like a woman's body, a difference I notice regularly.

Ok, off topic, but I want to say this. Over the course of the last year and a half of being on hormones there have been times that I have felt like I am actually supposed to be a man, not a woman, and I'm screwing up here. 90% of the time that feeling comes from seeing or picturing my body or how I move or how I emotionally react to my body. Essentially it is what is left of my dysphoria now. To use my therapists favorite word, the "incongruence" triggers my dysphoria.

This new change has started to keep those feelings at bay. I found that at first the HRT made me feel better for a few reasons. I knew I was doing something to start my transition, the hormones in my body started to level out to where they should have been, and I would see changes being made, like my skin softening. What is happened now though makes those earlier changes seem almost superficial. At almost 2 years, my body is now beginning to really fill out as a woman's. Honestly, my figure has changed more then I had expected it to when I started and I easily see more changes coming. Right now, there would be no way for me to pass as a man. Not shave for a month I guess. But clean shaven, and maybe foundation and I could stand in front of you in my panties and you would not tell I was a man without looking quite closely.

Almost done with my tangent. what I want to say about this, is this. Over the years the dysphoria we face as transgender people is oppressive.... smothering, it can leave you doubting everything about yourself and it can leave you feeling like it will never end. I'm here to tell you it can, and it will. Those of you out there finding it hard to carry on, like I have so many times before, keep on pushing. Transitioning is the hardest thing someone can do, in my opinion, but I promise, it will be worth it in the end. It will be worth it as you go along, I am finding out.

Ok, so, where was I? Right, this guy. One of the side effects of the changes to my body was my confidence started to grow. As my confidence and appreciation of my body grew, the more sexual I found myself getting until finally I got to the point that I thought "Ok! Time to share this with someone!" I felt like a teen again, just wanting to have someone touch my body. I have to say, seeing that from a more mature age made it feel more passionate for me.

And speaking of passion.... this guy... damn. I can't say he was cut from marble or anything, but he had a wonderful body, nice smile, cute/shy-ish way of talking. However, he wasn't shy when we started to get naked... nope. Being on this end of things was amazing. Having someone pick me up, move me around, position me *cough* was different. That plus his touching me, enjoying my body, running his hands and lips... wherever. God it was different..

ok, I need to take a breather, lmao.

The experience was all together amazing. No offense to her, but it was far more passionate, and intense then my first woman. Being sexual as a woman, letting myself feel how I want to feel... or simply letting myself feel, is part of me like having sex before never was. Instead of being a locksmith I ride a wave of pleasure. It is exquisite.

Poof

Sorry about the long hiatus, between work, my computer not working and my internet connection not working it became quite difficult. Now I have another problem, I have no idea what to write about or how to write, I've kinda lost it a little after not using it for a while. So I'm just going to dive right in, in typical Rebecca fashion.

There has been something on my mind for a good while now, even before last writing here. I think I may have briefly mentioned it before, but it's something that is seriously on my mind and I just may go through with it.

What that is, is moving off, starting a new life. I don't just mean going to another city and trying life there. I mean doing all but faking my own death and disappearing away from everyone I know and starting my life completely new in a completely new city. From my understanding many transgender people feel this way at some point. Honestly, I'm surprised I don't personally know of any. I guess then that it would only make statistical sense that I be the trans person I know that has done this.

I feel this way for a lot of reasons. It seems to be another one of those decisions I've wanted to make in a long time but haven't yet. What I have learned about myself is those are the things I always eventually do and after I do them I always find it was the right thing for me. I'm actually getting to the point that I let that feeling I get for these sort of decisions to make the decisions for me, if I find I can't come to one without it.

So why do I want to do this? Well I want to move for several reasons. I guess some of it is a "grass is greener" sort of view, but I live in a small city, a city I have always said was too small for me, and I think I would have more opportunities in a different/bigger one. This may be some what redundant but I'm also kinda done with this place. The available work, the weather, and to some extent even the people. The people for two reasons, one is the close-mindedness of too many people here, the other I'll get into in a moment.

That's just why I want to move. Why I want to disappear obviously has to do with people. I have to say the single biggest reason I want to disappear is to completely shed my past. Nothing reminds me more than people.

Here's the thing. I often reflect on my past, the "boy" I used to be. I really have become to see her as the young very confused and lost trans-teen. These reflections however, are mostly me sorting out where being transgender came from. Something I often say you shouldn't try to do I know, but it's impossible not to. I pass by places in this small city that remind me of past relationships, or stages of my life and some of them make me think "meh" some of them make me wish in the worst way I was a woman at the time, and those are the ones that get to me.

What people do is not let me let go of the emotional baggage of being transgender and they also trigger just about everything that makes being transgender difficult in your own mind.

For example, people who knew me in the past and either refuse to call me "Rebecca" or forget to so much that I just as well not have changed my name. The holidays were more or less the last straw for me. I seen a good bit of family and the majority of them got my name wrong most of the time. Yes yes, I know, I should be patient, they have been calling me that for 30ish years... blah blah blah. However, I am sick of it. It has been almost two years, my name is Rebecca. It has gotten to the point that it has become a major reason to move and disappear. If I never hear that name again, or be called "him" once more it would be worth it.

I also met an old co-worker that flat out refused to call me Rebecca because she "knew me as <insert name here>." If I wasn't in a nice restaurant at the time I would have completely lost it but I managed to keep my cool and just eat my app without any bloodshed.

I guess to these people, it's simply a matter of it being "no big deal" to them. I can even sit here and admit that that is a reasonably good way for them to be, it's kinda nice that they don't see the difference.

However.

I forget where exactly I read this, it was something that I scrolled by on facebook. It was someone talking about, and to, our transgender allies. Or actually now that I think about it, it may have been a lesbian who wrote it. Either way, it is the perfect message to our allies and it sums up nicely how I feel and that "no big deal" isn't as nice as you may think. Essentially what this person said is that that isn't enough. We don't want you to just be blind about it, we want you to see us. I may want the general public to just look at me and think "she" because that's how I look and act, etc and that's how I want to be. My family and close friends and allies though, I want them to call me by my correct name (because it is legally changed) and use proper pronouns because they know who I am. They know I am transgender, they see it, they fully accept it and they call me the correct things out of respect for who it is that I am.

Knowing I'm transgender and continuously calling me my old name and pronoun hurts far more than some random person. If a store clerk looks at me and thinks I warrant a "sir" then that's "my fault" for not looking feminine enough (oh please oh please, let's just leave this as is for now and not kill the poor clerk or get into how that's an awful frame of mind on my part.) But if my family, or friends call me sir, they know. They know that hurts me, they know that reminds me of a time of my life that was nightmarish. They know better.

Besides that, I find myself still catering to the people of my past a bit when it comes to my personality, interests, lifestyle and life choices. Many of which, I feel, are more suited for a larger city anyway. There are still some people I spend time with and ever so subtly start feeling like that old person and it makes me want to jump in a shower...

...of fire ants

Which brings me to another point. If I move to a place full of strangers, at this point in my transition, I would simply be "she". Everyone would treat me as a cis woman and I LONG to know what that feels like. Right now I live two lives, the people that think I am a cis woman and the people that know I am not. I am a different person around both groups of people and I like everything involved in everyone thinking I'm a cis woman a lot more. Imagine never talking on the phone to someone that might accidentally call me "him" from memory. Or not being on the outside of the social dynamic because people don't know where you "fit" anymore.

As I said, I have been thinking about this for quite some time. During that time I have slowly eliminated the various things that were keeping me from this decision. One of those that is gone is giving people time to "get used to it." whatever that was about. People expect you to change your language instantly on a regularly basis, some people in my life can't be bothered with it for my sake. Another that is slowly going away is my fear of doing it. In fact, I'd say that is gone now too. And honestly, that is usually the last step for me in these big decisions.

Also, there are a handful of people that I wouldn't want to leave behind, people that I would tell where I was going and talk to while I was there. I used to feel like that was half assing it, honestly. If I'm going to vanish, then vanish 100%. This is something else I have gotten over.

The main thing currently holding me back is money and knowledge. I need to pick a spot, I need to find out costs, living arrangements, etc. It is possible I will overcome the financial situation in a reasonably short amount of time.

All of this being said, dear reader, I will keep everyone here filled in and probably won't be giving it up as part of my disappearing act.

Well, a short one today, I had to get back into the mindset, sorry if this one isn't up to par.

Unison

It has been a while since I wrote something last (again) and I feel sort of bad about it. I've been busy, sure, but I've also been taking time to learn who I am now and to start living my life as I want to rather than how I think I "should". I do have a fair amount of good news to share, however.

First of all, I have gotten a promotion at work to assistant kitchen manager. Not too shabby for a trans-woman, I think. Honestly, it seems insignificant in the grand scheme of the world but at the same time it is an accomplishment and one I think other trans-women should see, for the same reason it makes my therapist happy. I am a new-ish trans-woman who is now flourishing in the workforce. It is nice to see that we can accomplish things just like anyone else. Also it shows how "settled" in to myself I have gotten.

That's really all I wanted to say about that. What I really want to talk about is me, my body and emotional state.

The most significant change that has happened in a fairly long time has been my breasts. Which, I must say, is about damn time. I've had a small "A" for months now and besides that they have been "pre-teen" breasts. Not shaped quite like a breast normally is and my nipples have always been hard and sore. So sore I could barely touch them without wincing. In fact, I avoided touching them as much as possible, I didn't really like them. Apparently, according to my therapist, that is typical of young girls, many of them being fairly unhappy with their breasts when they first start to develop. Oh, and by "hard nipples' I don't mean just the tip of them, like I've been cold for the last few months. I mean the base of the nipple, just under the areola used to feel like I had a stack of quarters there. Also, the areola and nipple has always been tight and "puckered" for a lack of better words.

All of that has changed. The hardness totally gone, along with the soreness. My entire nipple and breast all feel the same, there is no distinction between where my breast stops and my areola starts other then the color, and they are very, very soft. I have even filled out a little more. I am a full "A" now and maybe even approaching a "B" in the near future.

The crazy thing about it is it all just happened one day, literally. I woke up Friday morning and went to work with the same "blah tits" I've had for a while now. Later that night when getting ready for bed was when I noticed they looked and felt completely different. I was off Saturday and I spent most of the morning with no shirt or bra on looking at and touching my breasts, the change was so fast and dramatic I was bewildered.

What an impact this has had. Honestly, it is the most significant change I have had in the last several months. I went from seriously disliking my breasts to utterly loving them. I feel like I have "real" breasts now, they even make me feel more like a woman. They turn me on, fantasizing about having someone enjoying them turns me on now too, rather than giving me a feeling of disappointment. I am suddenly proud of them, excited by them even. So much so that I went out that Saturday and bought my first two pairs of push-up bras. I never really liked the idea of a push-up bra, feeling fake, like I was trying to make them look bigger. Now I feel totally different about it, now it is to present them for everyone to see.

The emotional breakthrough this has created has affected my entire being. I am far more comfortable with my entire body now, I feel like a complete woman. The feeling of congruence has even reduced my doubt by a great deal. Honestly, the great impact it has had has been such a subtle change in my perspective and thinking that it is hard to explain. Having just my breasts change to what they are now has given me confidence in my entire body. Not just confidence, everything just feels "right" now. My body is mine now, and it is a woman's body, two things my mind has had a hard time accepting.

I think I have spelled out the majority of emotional changes I have gone through as well. I spent a lot of my life thinking "I am a man, I don't want to be, but that's the body I have.". That eventually changed to "I am nothing, an it. Neither man or woman.", having no concrete thoughts to attach my feelings to. I felt this way for a long time, before transitioning. Transitioning, up to now, has actually made that feeling stronger, all I seen was this body somewhere between man and woman. Very recently my thoughts have turned to "I am a woman in a woman's body and I feel complete."

What a strange feeling it is to feel this way now. I rarely question myself anymore. In my minds eye I am a beautiful woman, period. My transition now feels real, like something I can count on, attach myself to. I haven't let myself feel that about anything or anyone for countless years. My transition has always been the most important thing in my life but now it has become more that that. It has become nurturing, my security blanket. It is the one thing in my life I feel any control over, like I can call it "mine". Best of all, I now feel like it has been a success and will continue to be a success. It is the one thing in my life that I know is there for me and only me. I feel calm knowing it is in my life.

Everything has fallen into place.

I wish I could crack open my head and heart and let you feel what I am feeling. There is no way those words I have just written have done a complete enough job explaining how I feel now. I am not sure if this has all come from my breast development or if my entire body has changed as well. It seems like it could have been my entire body, just punctuated by my breasts. Either way my entire body and mind feels better, feels more complete. AND most powerful of all, my mind and body feel congruent with each other for the first time in my life.

That is no small thing. Only the transgender can truly understand what I mean when I say that. To anyone else it is just a bunch of words. So I'm going to say it again, for the first time in my life (36 years old here) my feelings, mind and body feel as one. I didn't know people could feel like this.

It's beautiful.

Transitional Empowerment

I have started to get comments and requests for advice through this blog. Many, no all, of the comments make me see the importance of what I am doing. I started to write this blog as a way of helping those transgender people that feel lost, or are doing as I did and have been searching for something to help them make sense of themselves. It also became a voice to the cis gender out there, seeing what it is we transgender go through has given a number of people the insight I hoped it would, now partially understanding how difficult our lives can be.

Today I want to speak to both sides, while giving some advice to those that have asked for it. I don't like giving direct advice, for one reason. In this, you must forge your own path. It is the nature of the hand we have been dealt. While following your own path is wise advice for the cis gender as well, for the transgender it is of utmost importance, in my opinion. No one, not even me, can tell you if transition is what you need to make you happy. You must choose that for yourself. I can't stress this enough. The last thing I want to do is somehow convince someone to go through the hurricane that is transition when they could have made themselves happy in another way, if only they, themselves, decided to choose that path. Not to mention, choosing to transition, yourself, is what keeps many of us going. It is the knowledge that I chose this, I know it is what I needed. I didn't do this for anyone else but me. When all becomes unbearable, many times that is the one thing that pulls you through. So with this in mind, I will continue.

I spent some time today reading over the things I have been writing in my journal. I have decided to share some of them, mostly unfiltered. I'm hoping it will do two things. For those who are wondering if transitioning is what they should do, I hope it shows you the vast difference between who you are now and who you can become. That may sound a little presumptions but while reading, the constant theme I seen was change resulting in happiness. Second, I hope this can show the cis gender why it is so important for those of us that need to transition to do so. 

One of the main things I realized was how much my aggression has slipped away. Before when I was pretending to be a man I was almost constantly angry. Most times my thoughts were taken up with some sort of violence. Be it revenge for slights that I felt happened, though probably didn't, or anger with the entire world for things not making sense to me. So rarely was I happy. If I wasn't angry I was depressed, turning my anger inward toward myself. Blaming myself for everything that was wrong in my life and the world around me. There were so many things that caused all of these feelings in me. I felt completely out of control. Not in the sense that I couldn't stop myself from the things I did, but that I had no say in anything including, and especially, my own life. After years and years of trying to understand myself, trying to understand what made the question "Why do I want to be a girl?" never cease, of trying to justify everything I desired so that it fit into the world I was surrounded by left me with a complete sense of hopelessness which eventually turned to anger toward everything and everyone. I don't know any specific examples, but I have no doubt whatsoever that I have thought someone was attacking me when in truth they were trying to help, that is how clouded I had become. My anger and aggression was the single emotion I had no control over, ironic that isn't it? How the lack of control led me to live nearly entirely in an emotional state I had no control over. It was also the main thing about myself that, upon reflection, I hated. I would hate the things I said in an argument, or that I caused said argument, or the actions I would take. It never felt to me that this angry person I was was the person I was supposed to be.

Now that I am a year into my transition, I didn't even notice my aggression slipping away. Of course this has a fair bit to do with replacing my testosterone with estrogen, in that it is chemical as much as it is psychological, but the result is the same. I have such peace of mind now it makes me pause every time I consciously realize it. It hasn't disappeared of course, everyone gets angry. The biggest difference is that my day to day life isn't consumed with thoughts of how to get back at someone, or how I would defend myself if certain things happened. Especially I no longer assume everyone hates me, or is trying to make my life worse, or trying to tell me how to live my life and being insulted beyond reason for it. I am far more calm. It just feels "right" it feels like I am being me, and not the monster I was.

Another thing I have come to realize is something that may be a little more difficult to explain. Many, many times in my past I had the thought, "If I was a woman people would see me for who I was." Writing it out like that and looking at it with hindsight seems like I was constantly thinking the answer I was looking for. Well, I guess I was, but I didn't see it that way. It was a form of envy, or jealously. I would think "women can say/think/do these things and people fully accept it, why can't I?" As I have said before, so many years of trying to hide this from everyone and so little information made me hide the truth from myself best of all. I assumed, and I'm fairly certain I am correct, that people seen me as arrogant or constantly angry (which I was) or thought less of everyone, thought I was a "know it all", etc. Honestly I assumed everyone seen me as just about every bad trait a person could have. I'm not sure if it is completely true, or if it was all just what I had convinced myself of because I hated myself so much. Either way, it was what I believed. 

I find now people see me with attributes I always wished they would. People see my passion instead of anger, my thirst for knowledge instead of being a braggart, my self reflection/understanding instead of arrogance. These seem to be the result of a combination of things. Probably the most important is I am being true to myself and people are able to see how genuine you are when you are indeed being genuine. Also, people have responded to the shedding of weight I have gone through, and am still going through. Every personal and emotional breakthrough I have gets reflected back at me through the reception of others. Perhaps least important is that I am being outspoken with being transgender and people have at least some small idea that it must have been difficult and see the strength I have gained through it. Which brings me to another point.

My confidence. Before I had no real confidence in myself. Yes, I thought I was good at some things, I was "confident" I was a great swimmer for example, but I had no shred of confidence in the person I was. I could not, at all, see myself as a whole person, or barely a person at all. I would think, and say often, that I must be from another planet or some such foolishness because I had nothing in common with anyone, I had no footing to gain purchase on the person I was. I was as lost in my person as someone living in an illusion. To me, there seemed nothing about myself that could be used to make a whole person, a person of any worth. I was as at odds with myself as one could imagine, never understanding who I was or who I was meant to, or could have been.

These days, people comment on my confidence often. There is no secret to it. I have searched myself far and wide, over years and years, to find who I am. I came to this understanding after as much inner reflection as is possibly reasonable. Something every single transgender person is forced to do. There is no way around it, no short cut. You have to deal with every bit of doubt, everything about you that doesn't make sense, because nothing, or little, about you seems "right". You question yourself endlessly. You question desires, emotions and thoughts. Not just "were they the right thing at the time" but "why do I have these thoughts?". Not only do you question these things, but you question things about yourself that no cis person would ever imagine doing. You question (in my case) why do I have a penis? Yes, that's right. I was born "male" according to some people, but I often questioned why I had a penis, having one making that little sense to me. I questioned if I would feel better with breasts, if I would feel better being called "miss" rather than "sir".

It is my experience that this confidence is something everyone in my life, and in the life of any transgender person who is going through or gone through transition can feel radiate from me and them. It is something I would always see in the past when looking at other transgender women. I would see the strength in them that I could not place, or see in anyone else. And that is something else that seems to be true in all of this. If there is one thing that being transgender and transitioning has given me is a confidence only people with those two traits can possibly have. No cis person has this confidence, they have never been forced to face themselves in such a manner.  The transgender person has to face questions that, not only are we the only sort of people that face them, we are ourselves, the only one with any answers to give our self. Everyone can face adversity in the outside world, but when you face it within you, and subsequently overcome it, the reward of confidence is unparalleled. 

There are two other things that I have gain from transition, and I would imagine any other transitioning transgender person would also gain. That is perseverance and self-reflection. These two things have been forced upon me, they have become tools of my survival and now that I am transitioning have become tools I can use to launch myself forward in both life and who I am as a person. As unforgiving as it is to the mind, being transgender is a harsh, but effective teacher of what is important. It forces you to learn everything about yourself that you can possibly learn, and at the same time it forces you to keep on going no matter how impossible something may seem. To the majority of people, the desire to want to be the "opposite" gender seems like something from an exercise in thought rather then a desire in reality. Yet there are many of us that live that reality daily. That this thing that seems impossible is the very thing we want... not just want but need in order to live our lives as happy, confident, flourishing human beings. We all see this impossible goal and say "Yes, I can do this.". I feel justified in saying a transgender person is the strongest person anyone can ever meet.

Getting My Fill

Wednesday of last week my night was rather mundane. I think I played some playstation and got a shower before going to bed, nothing special. I wasn't in a bad mood, or depressed, but neither was I in a particularly great mood either. Shortly after going to bed I fell asleep.

At one point I woke up, it wasn't from a sound, or needing to use the bathroom, I just opened my eyes. Suddenly I was feeling awful, I was thinking every sort of bad thought about my transition. Everything from doubting if I'm doing the right thing to not transitioning well enough to make me feel right, the things that I can't do in any foreseeable future to help my transition, for whatever reason, money and time being the main ones. I even started to get frustrated with how much effort I put into this daily. Things like plucking my entire torso every few days and having to shave and put on makeup every. single. day. Before I can look at myself in the mirror without wanting to tear my face off. My mind racing with these ideas until the last one.

I should kill myself and rid myself of the impossibility of what I am trying to do. To finally be free from the constant pressure and endless questioning and doubt.

I thought that and got upset with myself, how is it possible I'm back here again? Suicide is something I haven't thought of in quite some time, it feels like. Then I realized how the idea of it made me feel. It honestly made me feel good. Finally I would be finished with this endless fight. It was like making a hard choice that you've been putting off for far too long. Luckily I guess I was more devastated with the idea that I was thinking like that again than I was convinced I just made the final right choice to commit suicide because it felt so good to finally make that decision.

I remember one day, several years ago, after having a talk with my brother he said something to me like, "You just want to find a way to stop thinking." I laughed and agreed with him. That is what the decision for suicide was for, to just stop thinking. Did the idea of that ever sound relaxing.

I spent the rest of the day wondering why it felt so good. And I must admit, I did question, does it feel so "right" because it is? I've often said to myself, when I finally commit suicide I'll do it realizing I was meant to do it years ago.

 It took some time but I realized where the idea of suicide was coming from, if not the reason for the feeling. I hadn't felt any validation in what seemed to be some time now. I haven't been out with anyone for several weeks that is new to my life and knows only "Rebecca". Or even going out with my ex and doing something "girly" or feminine for lack of better words. Talking to my therapist, as well. Days like those give me validation. It makes me feel like a woman. Having days that I get validation fills me with confidence. Think of it like a cup of water with a slow leak. Over the days the water in that cup will go down to empty. I can keep that from happening by adding some every day, or adding a fair bit from time to time. Well, I was out of water.

I went home a little early. I spent some time before hand trying to decide if I should or not. It was when I finally decided that instead of getting off work early, going home and doing nothing which would probably fix nothing, I went home and got ready to go out. I went to a bar in fact. I decided while still at work that someone was going to kiss me that night, and someone did. I sat at the bar and had a drink. After looking around for a while I started to think I was going to leave. It seemed like nothing but couples there and/or people I wasn't interested in. Before I finished my drink I seen one guy step up to the bar almost straight across from me. He was good looking, tall, wide chest, dressed in a suit. I said to myself.

"This guy is buying me a drink."

I caught his eye and held his gaze for a bit before looking away. I would look around for a while and lock eyes with him again. After he finished his drink he called the bartender over. She turned around and looked at me, then back at him. She made him a drink then walked over to me.

"That guy just bought you a drink, so what do you want?"

"Not fucking bad.", I thought to myself, lmao.

Anyway, I ended up going over and talking to him and his friend. They both flirted with me, giving me wonderful compliments like "I'm the most classy woman in the bar right now." They wanted to take me home for a threesome, which, I'm sorry, but I'm taking that as a compliment these days. Before I left I was being kissed by the guy who bought me the drink. It was nice kissing him, it was nice to lay my hand on his chest, feel how solid it was, how much bigger he was.

Needless to say it was a bunch of new feelings for me.

The next day I was... holy fuck was I in a good mood. Not only did I have several new experiences, it was very validating for me, it gave me confidence too. I guess I know it isn't real. As my ex pointed out to me, this sort of validation is shallow. She's right, but it sure is invigorating. It is like a drug of sort, you get one hell of a high, but it doesn't last forever, and the crash usually sucks.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every second of that thursday night and the next few days afterward while I rode the high. There is a lesson to be learned in every situation and I learned a lot that entire day. I know I can sense when my self confidence starts to run out, and that confidence is what I need to battle the never ending self-doubt. I know the sexual advances and compliments from men make me feel great. I know when I'm feeling awful, I can do something about it that will at least work for the time being. From that, I know what I need to work toward. Making sure my cup never goes empty, ultimately finding a way that makes sure that cup never goes empty but does it with something more real, more stable.

Well, I have a lot I was going to write on but it is getting late, I'll get to them eventually.