The Alpha And The Omega

I don't really have much to say here today other then I don't have much to say. January has become a month of change, some good, some bad, some on purpose, some not at all. It's the reason I haven't been keeping up and the reason I'm considering stopping this blog.

My running theme seems to also fit here. I can't say I won't be back, but I have no idea if or when that will be.

I still have a lot to say, so maybe in the future I'll sit down and say them but right now I need to stand up and do something.

Take care of yourselves everyone
Rebecca

Natural Disaster

I'm having a deeply introspective day today, so be prepared.

Well, I started the year off with this blog as I hoped, but then mother nature decided differently. For those who don't know, we just had a storm and cold weather here that caused blackouts and a province wide loss of power for several days. So writing in this blog sorta had to wait, heh.

But speaking of which, mother nature is who most of this post is going to be about, what her little storm made me feel and what the bitch decided to do with me to begin with.

It was a somewhat serious situation. In this house in particular we spent a good few hours with no power. We were in no real danger or anything. We had food, water and heat mostly figured out, though the car and driveway were literally buried in snow, and half the door.

Anyway, I sorta enjoyed the "roughing it" that we were forced to do, it was a few days in when I went to shave that my mind started thinking. I need to stop my self from thinking like this, but I sorta can't help it. I couldn't help but realize how screwed I would be if things suddenly went to hell. Really it's an even more delicate balance then that, it wouldn't take an armageddon for my medication to suddenly not be available, there are plenty of ways.

What it got me feeling though is one of the feelings that are deeply emotionally, exclusively, trans related and they are part of the pain we carry around with us. I've touched on a few of them before, but I'll try and make a sort of list this time. I'm sure I'll forget some.

My body isn't my own. What occurred to me when shaving during snowpocalpyse was how much of "this" (I was looking in the mirror) is completely reliant on things that are not my "natural" me. How to explain this? I've tried to others before and have gotten the annoying "oh all women are... blah blah" crap.

I don't feel a kind of dirty that no shower will ever clean off because when my mascara runs out my eyelashes won't look beautiful. I feel that way because if I didn't have many of the things I have available now I would look like a man. My emotions and day to day life would change back just as obviously as my body, and coincide. There is possibly a time where many of those things become unnecessary, but a few of them will be around forever and it will take a lot of time, and a whole lot of money.

I'm not sure if that, or how I would, convey how emotionally deflating that feels. I have a few more things like this that are not trans related, well mostly my eyes I guess. It bothers me from time to time that I'm colorblind and I need glasses, but I'm not thinking of getting surgery for that, and really, who cares?

There's something about this gender expression though that if it's not happening the way I (we?) feel it should, man do I get upset. I can't imagine anything else making me feel like I'm not me like this does.

I have no womb. I have mentioned this before. I can't really speak to how a FtM feels about this, but for myself, and I have heard other MtF say the same, it's not just that I can't have kids anymore. That wouldn't have bothered me before my transition. The reason it didn't bother me then is probably the same reason it does now and it is because I don't have a womb. Not only can I not have kids, but I can't, and never could have them like a woman, and I WANT to , I always have. That is something I certainly can't express. Please, someone explain to me how to describe the desire to use a part of "your" body that you don't even have and the utter negation of ability and hope the moment reality creeps in.

I can't *be* a woman, let me explain that before someone jumps down my throat. Of course, I'm as womanly, as feminine as I decide to be, just like everyone else does and should have the right to do. I'm a woman, and deserve, no, demand to be treated as such.

However...

I can't have a child of my own, I can't give birth to one, I can't have sex and get pregnant, I can't be pregnant, I can never experience that, and again, I want to and always have.

Lost time. This one usually hits me hard when I let it hit me. It's one of the things I envy about the young trans people I have met. How I wish I could have experienced my younger life as a happier female rather then how I did. It's rare for someone to know they are trans before puberty from my understanding so I imagine even these younger people I've met also wish they could have experienced being little boys and girls the way they would have wanted.

What a waste my life feels like to me. I had such a good home, and many opportunities and good experiences... oh but to have spent them as a girl. I would have loved to have been asked to the prom rather then done the asking. I could have hung around with "the girls" more in school, spent time doing whatever it is high school girls did back then.

To have some young kid try to feel me up in the back of his dad's car...

So many experiences that many of us hold dear that I'll never have, the possibility is simply gone. The possibility was never there.

I've thought of a handful of other things, but they rest within these three things I've mentioned. I have had being transgender described to me as "nature's worse curse" and I'm pretty sure I've said that here before. Let me try to explain some though, and try not to be insensitive while I'm at it.

Honestly when I first heard that I immediately thought "well how about all those people born with autism, or without limbs, etc?" That's a pretty unfriendly "curse" to have. What made me understand this "worse curse" description a little better was the "curse" part of it because that's really such an accurate term.

The thing that makes this most difficult is the subtly of it. There was no doctor informing my parents they just had a transgender child. There was no psychologist working with me at a young age to determine if I'm transgender or going through a hard childhood phase. There is no help. In fact, there is nothing but hindrance. This curse starts off lightly but builds momentum as you get older while at the same time staying it's subtle, relentless self. Not only has it effected every portion of my life, but it has robbed me of a past I long to have and has made my future shaky at best. I had no idea all of this was going to happen to me until it happened, and when it happened I had no idea what it meant.

That's not a fair curse.

I must admit, I feel very pitiful when I think about this and let in all of the details that can only be conjured by the mind experiencing them. It all seems like such a fantasy story but it isn't. When I occasionally place "me" where I belong in history it feels like something I should have read in a book, until I remember it's not a book, it's me, Rebecca. These are the days (like I'm feeling today will be) that I feel inadequate. Inadequate to do what, exactly? Be human.

These are the days you see me, and I'd imagine other TG's, being very quiet. For me, it's giving my mind the space and time it needs to do it's constant war, keep going or give up. The happier days, even my angrier days are better then these. Those only happen when my mind is having a ceasefire. Though, to be honest my frustration over myself has a tendency to lead to angry lashes.

This all makes me wonder of my place in the world. I don't feel like it's being around people, it seems like the more I'm around people the more I show myself how much of a shade of a human I am. I've been alone for so long I'm the only one in my world. I talk to myself more then I talk to anyone else. Of course this effects the people I'm around, and more often then not I'm left feeling people would be better off without me, and frankly I have no reason to believe otherwise.

People talk to me about the bravery and strength I must have. Honestly their compliment feel like insults to me. Brave? Ha! Strong? lol! You have no idea, how scared and weak I am. Go inside my head on days like this and come back out, trust me you'll see nothing but a scared, confused, broken, and lost "person" who is so unsure of themselves they feel like person should be in quotation marks.

Fuck it, I'm done today.

Emotional Banquet

So now that christmas is over with for another year we can finally stop talking about it, however, I am going to force you to sit through one more talk about christmas. I kinda figure if you aren't sick of it by now you won't be. So anyway...

Boxing day is the big day for my family. Well it's the biggest day during christmas for my parents and myself, I'm not really sure how everyone else feels about it. When we were younger it was usually the entire family, but as we got older, people started going separate ways, and the gathering ended up being less then before for a few years here and there.

This year we were packed, just about the entire family was there, though a few couldn't make it. I was nervous as fuck, particularly before everyone was there. It was going to be the first time I was around them all while presenting female, and the first time at all for some of them.

I have come to the conclusion I am the luckiest miserable trans-woman on the planet. My family seemed to accept me with no trouble what-so-ever. The first relative to come did so when we thought it was my mother coming back with my brother. Instead it was my cousin. I was genuinely caught off guard when I seen her in the porch and heard her "hello!"

I have to say, it almost seemed like she was a little shocked, or maybe a little extra excited to see me. She exclaimed something and quickly came to me for a hug. I was a little taken back, which I'll explain a little more in a sec, but partially because I was just surprised that it was her and not my mother.

I'm glad it worked out like it did though, and I'm glad it was her first. I started to relax almost right after her hug. I started to feel something, and it was so apparent on my face that my partner pointed it out, but what I was feeling was actually being a part of the family. So often in the past the men/boys in the family were the only ones that approached me much, but god I had nothing to talk about so the conversations were rarely long. Besides, I was probably on my way to the computer to get away and just got caught by someone. This time I ended up sitting in with the family chatting with one of the groups of mostly women. I think that was pretty much the first time that happened.

There were a few "funny to me" moments. All the women in the family easily gave me hugs, the men were awkward as hell, lol. Oh men, so scared of their sexuality. But I had to navigate quite a few hesitant hand-shake, hug crosses and you could see the puzzle going through their head.

Oh god, does it make me sadistic that I enjoyed that? lmao

All in all I interacted with everyone far more then I ever would have. I'd say if you add up my word count that day it would be equal to the last 20 years. I had that "I'm here" feeling a few times as well. A couple of times I had to go to the bathroom to collect myself just from the emotion going on. Remember how I said having these feelings in familiar situations makes them more acute? It was exactly that. There were so many things that happened or situations I noticed that I know with total certainty that I didn't feel like this all of those other times. That was one of the main reasons I was so emotional, and it's something that makes me emotional whenever I think about it. The times I catch myself feeling calm, in control of my feelings, and happy on top of that it reminds me of how, all the time before, I didn't feel like that. Every time before I was feeling scared, confronted, confused, such inner turmoil I couldn't really feel the people around me.

So why was I taken back by the hug? What really caught me was her enthusiasm in seeing me, well she seemed so. I was always the outcast of the family, or at least that was how I always felt. To have one of them practically "squee" at seeing me was not something I was expecting. She is the sweetheart of the family though, so understandable.

It sort of set the precedent for the rest of the day. There were no questions or transition specific talks, and that had me feeling like I said it does. It's a bit of a reminder of how my uncle was treated. That being said though, I wasn't shunned by anyone, and everyone made a point to say hello, that wasn't always the case.

That day, all in all, ended up being a strong contrast to the feelings I was having monday morning, the loss for myself. In this situation, with my family on boxing day, it was made obvious to me the total 180 I have done from who I was before. I was there, I mean really there. I wasn't thinking about a hundred different things all making me feel depressed and detached from my own family right in front of me. I was feeling the feelings for what was happening at the time.

There is one moment in particular that sticks with me. I hope I don't make people paranoid by letting them know how minor of details I notice. Anyway, the moment was after supper was over. A few people had gotten up from which ever of the three tables they were sitting at and the rest of us were sitting there, chatting and sipping drinks. This happens just about every year, of course, and every year I was one of the few getting up, I was getting up to leave though, not help with dishes. This was the first year I stayed and talked. I don't remember what we were talking about and it's not important, what's important is I/we were talking. What really got me was when one of my cousins made it a point to get up from where she was and sit next to me. Never has that happened, never never never. It was around then when the feeling of being part of the family started to creep up and get noticed by me. I had to stop talking and just listen because the emotions were running so high.

I guess people are still used to me being fairly quite, and maybe now they understand why. I'm still quite at times, of course, being reflective is part of my nature now. The few times I stopped talking and just watched, I didn't feel like it was because it was the best thing for me to do. Some of the time it was me thinking about how much better this is then before, the rest of the time was watching my family interact, the constant observer I am. It created a new feeling in me, a feeling of belonging. A feeling like I'm watching the people I care about just be their beautiful selves.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Since I've spoken about them before, I guess this is a little bit of an update.

I've gotten in contact with many of my high school friends and actually found that a lot of them still make it a point to hang out every sunday. So, I've been joining them every sunday for the last month or so.

It has been... no big deal. It's totally crazy honestly. Not to pick on my friends but boy, are they ever traditional. I'm not sure if their political views are also conservative, I would think not for most of them, but they are typical middle class people. Now, I know these are assumptions, myself being the best example, but there isn't a single LGBT among them, those in relationships are all male-female. Their sexual experience seems... minimal, again not to make assumption, but the handful of sexual innuendo that has come about like it does with a group of friends their, shall we say 'conservative' approach to it is a little obvious.

So, all of that in mind, they have let me back into their lives like I was gone a week, rather then sixteen years, and nothing has changed, rather then the fact I'm transgender. Were we meet every sunday is in another city and I have yet to worry about rides because of them (I don't drive). I've been offered help in the form of rides to places, and someone to talk to. They all treat me like they always have, and new comers to the "gang", like partners and what not, are all following their lead, every one of them being a good friend in the making, it's absolutely surreal.

None of them realize how foreign this all is too me. Hand in hand with that is my not realizing I have been missing it. These people are all but the polar opposites of the sort of people I've been around, and there is simply no comparison to the points in my life that I was completely alone. I feel like a caged, mistreated animal being let out by a saviour instead of the cruel master I've always had. I'm slowly stepping into their world cautiously watching every move we all make.

If myself and either single one of them gets back to that super comfortable that teen friends have, and I fill them in on this part of my past, I'm sure I'll shock them, positive even. I've lived in the part of society that these people and most like them have only heard of on tv.

That actually has little to do with what I'm here to talk about today, but it may help to know so you can understand where I'm coming from about the rest.

The sunday before christmas we got together again, this time though more of our old friends were in town visiting family for christmas, and visiting the rest of us was part of their plan. It ended up feeling like we just took a slice of our teenage past and inserted it into our lives now, all of us talking and carrying on. The playful insults this group has ALWAYS done, two people arguing over something not serious, a slightly larger group all doing the same thing together, talking and having fun. I have no idea how I managed to get out of there that night with my emotions still intact.

I didn't, however, keep them intact the next morning. I started to get emotional when I got home but it was late and I went to sleep. When I woke up it was the first thing on my mind. I guess I should be careful what I wish for because I felt it, I felt loss for my past for the first time. I was a little weepy at first, but the more I thought about it the more I cried until I was sobbing into my pillow. I don't even know what I was feeling, loss, regret, cheated, deprived, all of those, and more that I can't describe. I remember the person I used to be for them, and I'm not that now. There are so may reasons, transitioning, my history, my lifestyle, time passed. I felt like I usually do, like the outside person watching the room full of people interact, but this time I felt like being on the outside wasn't were I belonged, I should have been my old self there chatting and talking about my life with everyone.

It's a feeling I can't reconcile, this feeling of lost time, of feeling cheated. Feeling loss for myself was something I never had, but now it's still with me. Every now and then I'm reminded of who I was, and it makes me a little sad. It's a complicated feeling though, for me. I bounce back and forth between wondering what could have been if I wasn't transgender and wondering what could have been if I came out earlier. Two parallel worlds, neither of them real, but it's all I can think about when I feel this way.

I want to be inside my friends heads. During all my past I always assumed no one ever talked about me when I wasn't around. I simply didn't think of myself as important enough for people to give any thought too. Now though, maybe this is arrogant, I would imagine I've been a fairly hot topic among them all, hell among everyone who I know, I would guess. But what do they all think? What do they see when they look at me, or when they watch me do or act overtly feminine? How often, if at all do they think something like "fuck she's so different." and how many times does that bother them, if at all? What connections are they making with our past, have any of them thought back and thought how much this explains? I'd even take the bad thoughts just to know the truth.

I've been asked the usual list of questions, when did I know, when did I come out, how do I feel about surgeries the typical questions. None of them have gotten personal, I mean specific to me personal and if there was a group of people who should feel free to do that it's them. That being said however, I've had little time with any of them one on one.

I think I just realized something. I have nothing else to talk about other then being transgender. I want them to start conversations about something they are probably scared to talk about. People talk about their lives, work, children, hobbies, they all have all of those. Transitioning is all that is in my life. Sure I've worked, I have hobbies in the past but even then, not transitioning was what my life was. I worry about becoming one of those people who have a "problem" and that's all they talk about, but this isn't just a problem, it's a solution. It's happiness and sadness, it's exciting and terrifying, it's mundane and interesting. It's a full new set of "life" that people don't even know exists. This isn't just a bad back, or getting laid off, this is me. This is my entire life, who I am inside and out. Later in my new life, when I'm done transitioning and I'm a "woman" (whatever that means exactly) I'll still have the knowledge of me going through this transition, to be born male and now fully female, and I know I'll draw strength from it.

For some reason, and I know this is fairly different then other TG's, I want to scream it from a mountain top, or I guess Signal Hill for you Newfies. I'm not afraid of being transgender any more, in fact I'm very intensely ready to embrace every ounce of it, and I want others to know that. It seems to be the only counter to all of the regret and how cheated I feel about my past.

Ok, words are just flowing out of my fingers today, so I'm going to stop here before I end up writing all day. Back tomorrow.

Christmas Break

Well I've sat in front of my computer several times over Christmas, even got a few posts started but it has become apparent I won't be able to get much done during these days. Kiddos, Christmas, chores and shoveling all having separate plans for me then I do :p

So a quick post to say I'll be back in the new year for certain, and I will try to get a few posts done between now and then.

Take care and Merry Christmas

Take care of yourselves

Rebecca

Killing Us Softly

I'm about to write on a topic that I've been meaning to for a while but I wasn't sure how I would approach it. Before I go on here, I want to give a bit of a warning, or really ask some forgiveness. I'm going to set aside most of my empathy and understanding of other people's problems, and even get into a little of "my life sucks more then yours." but it's because of the topic.

The second thing Red Durkin talked about when I seen her in November was a short story about a few friends of hers. It was actually a little speech she gave before going on with her comedy routine. It was a little bit ago so I don't remember the details, but I do remember the important parts.

She was telling us of two friends of hers.The first was a MtF transsexual, I can't remember specifically but she had a good job, and plenty of friends and support going through her transition. Everyone seemed to think she was a good person, and I think I remember Red saying she was well liked.

She walked in front of a subway car one day.

The other person she was talking about was also in Red's circle of friends, also MtF. Someone who knew this first girl for not very long, only a few weeks if I recall. She was devastated when she heard, to the point of uncontrollable crying that she couldn't talk. When she finally could she asked Red,

"How many times have you had to do this?"

Her question dripping with implications. "How often do you watch a friend end their own life over this?"

This is our reality. There is one statistic I made a point to remember out of all of the random trans-stats I've seen. That is, in Canada, transgender people have a 50% suicide rate. To put that in perspective Canada's national average is less then 1%.

Think about that. If you know two transgender people, statistically, one of them will commit suicide. That is staggering. If there is anything that expresses how difficult a transgender person's life is, it is these two stats next to each other

I have thought of, and attempted suicide that often in my life it doesn't even bother me anymore. Thinking of suicide has become second nature. Look at what suicide is though, it is the ultimate "run away from your problems" sort of answer. 

Don't think that takes any measure of weakness at all, just because you (dear cis) think suicide is such a distant solution for you. Take myself for example. I am a pit bull, really. If you get me started, push me to defend myself or fix an "impossible" problem, or whatnot, I'll take you/it on without hesitation. And trust me, you best be prepared, and that problem is getting fixed, no questions.

When it came to myself though, you have to understand the unbelievable weight of impossible that is in my life. I hazard to say this gets worse and worse the more a transgender waits in life to transition, like myself. You have to understand how coming out, starting your path to recovery, feels about as comforting as killing yourself before you actually do it. It's a condition of the human mind, anything you haven't done before comes with it's measure of anxiety. Coming out is already the scariest thing on your mind, never mind you haven't done it before. You inevitably think of every worse possible outcome.

One of those worst outcomes is ending up totally alone. I was lucky, literally everyone in my life has accepted me. Most people aren't that lucky, you hear of many horror stories of teens being kicked out of their houses, adults loosing careers, husbands, wives. There was no good reason at any point in my life to think I wouldn't somehow end up in the same position, one thing I've learned is you never know people's reaction to this, even if you know them well.

What would you chose? Alive, but no friends, no family, literally no one in your life to talk to or be around, totally alone. On top of being totally alone, it's a result of this secret that even you have no idea about. Everyone knows this about you now and have shunned you away. Everyone knows the real you, and no one wants anything to do with you.

Or dead?

Not so much of an easy choice.

Your perspective doesn't give you much room to work with either. For me, I hated myself. This "problem" we have doesn't come with a set of rules, I just knew *I* wasn't "right", and I hated myself for it. Nothing about me seemed the way it should be. Every time I'd say or do something stupid, or something that made a friend think a little bit less of me, it would tear away at me. I wouldn't be that way if I wasn't so "fucked up". It affected every single part of my life.

Nothing I did would make it go away either, nothing. For a problem solver like me, that is brutishly hard. It wasn't even a problem I could think of something to try, maybe get a little results, and try again. I stone-walled myself every time. If I thought of anything, like the pathetic attempts I did do, it solved nothing, nada. In fact it always made things worse. I couldn't shove this away and not think about it, it plagued my life. I couldn't "squeeze" out a bit of comfort, like wearing panties, because when I did it would snowball to an uncontrollable place that I would have to turn away from.

I had no where left to go. Suicide was the only option that didn't leave me vulnerable... ironic, no?

Unless you've been suicidal I don't think I can explain how insurmountable all of these questions with no solutions are. It isn't exactly an "easy way out" sort of decision. For me it was one of two answers left for this impossible question. It was the easier way of the two, and quite honestly, only because it was the more sure answer I had. 

How did I not chose suicide? Honestly, I can't say I didn't. I wanted to, many times. I have... too many times. Funny enough, the HRT changing my skin has resurfaced a few attempts around my wrists. While I'm being honest, I can't say I still don't. I have far less days now with it coming to mind, but it still does. It's hard for people to see the daily challenges I face because of being transgender. I don't even have to get out of bed and my mind can find enough things to start feeling like I'm trying to move a mountain. 

If you can somehow manage to add up all of the pain I have written about so far, it is that plus more that makes a transgender life incredibly hard. There's another stat I remember, that is over 80% of transgender people have attempted suicide. That is mind blowing, and I know it's true. That means practically every transgender person you've spoken with has attempted to end their life at some point. I know every trans I have spoken with has.

This isn't the result of some massive pity party either. In fact, most people who commit or attempt suicide don't want your pity at all, otherwise they would have asked for it and not be suicidal right now. For me, it's a result of hating everything about me and having everyone around me, knowingly or unknowingly, despise the side of me that I feel most comfortable in. For me the idea of wanting to wear women's clothing, and be shaped like a woman is as simple as wanting to paint my room a different color. It's that simple for every other women, isn't it? But it has been made into my biggest issue I've had to deal with in life. Unless you've been there, I can't describe the frustration of being violently acted against just because of the colors, or materials I like close to my skin.

I've been sitting here writing this waiting for some sort of "ah ha!" moment to happen but then I realized, there isn't one. There is no "ah ha!" to explain this. For one, the road to and reasons for someone being suicidal are completely dependent on the person. Obviously there are some common grounds here, otherwise their wouldn't be so many of us thinking the same way, but how we all got here is probably different.

Besides that, how do you explain consciously, comfortably choosing to end your own life to someone who never has? How do you explain that because of society, because of things done and said by everyone closest to you from your parents to your best friend to your teachers to close and distant relatives, and even worse yourself, that you feel like ending your life is the better, more practical, most helpful to others decision you could make? I guess I can't. I guess you'd have to live my life and feel all the pain I've been put through, and most everyone like me has faced. You'd have to feel the pressure to be the complete opposite of who you are to your very core, and the dysphoria that creates, in a very real sense. Your mind just will not be content.

Like I said, this is the reality for many, should I say most, transgender people. I find we all put on a great facade. Every trans person I've talked to seems very happy with themselves now. They are those that have come out though, even if I happen to be the only one who knows (not true for anyone as far as I know) that person has still told someone, and that's taking them out of the dark at least that little. You can tell how hurt they haven been in the past by how easily they all speak of it. 

"Oh my father hates me, but whatever."

"I lost my wife but I'm better off now anyway."

"Yeah I lost my job but it gave me more options in the long run."

"Finding a relationship that I can tell will probably never happen, but I can be happy anyway."

Each of those are statements I've heard and they were spoken of and passed over as simply as dinner plans last weekend. Why? Because every single one of them has dealt with that or more, especially as those standing there as, at least, semi-confident women and men.

 It's the ones that haven't that scare me, if half of the trans-people that have come out will kill themselves what are the chances for the ones that haven't? 

To connect this to the real world, that's why we can't have people in high profile places saying bigoted opinions about things they clearly have no experience with. These people are literally, as if gun in hand, killing people around us. How many of those 50% seen one too many religious zealots telling them they will go to hell and believed it? How many watched some TV show where the most popular of the cast spews some LGBT hatred and their popularity saved them, but kills the gender confused?

If there is anything I can inspire among my readers it is this; The lives of the LGBT community have been difficult. Speaking for transgender people specifically, our lives are nightmares. It's only when finally transitioning do we start to feel some calm, and that only happens if we have support from people around us. Much of our pain is feeling we will never be accepted, so that is the most important thing to many of us. Another good bit of it is never having a sense of feeling comfortable, never, with no sense of accomplishment. This thing you want to do the most is what you've been not doing for your entire life. It leaves you feeling like nothing will ever work out for you, it'll never be "ok". 

I really should stop here, obviously this is something I can talk about for a long time. I told my partner what I was writing about and she jokingly requested I say, "P.S. I'm not going to kill myself."

So well, I'll give the honest version. I don't think I'll kill myself. I often wonder if I'll be that woman Red talked about. Everything seeming to be going fine, but one day I can't handle any more. I guess I'm, in a sense, constantly on vigil about it and perhaps that will save me. I don't want to anymore, I want to keep transitioning and see how this turns out.

Quack

I almost conceded to the urge to write more aggressively, more accusatory about this whole Duck Dynasty business going on right now. I apparently can't resist the urge to say something about it, probably because it is freaking everywhere. I think, though, I'm going to take a slightly different approach.

I didn't watch it and don't intend too, but I have read several articles about it. The reason I don't intend too is simply because I don't watch that show or shows like it, not my cup of tea, and I'm not going to just for this. That being said, the issue now isn't really what he said it has turned into a freedom of speech debate, so that's what I'm going to talk about more.

Where do we draw the line, or does there even need to be one? Well, that's sorta tricksy isn't it? In theory, I would suggest no line what-so-ever, however in practice the line is decided by people.  What should vs. What is. Which one is "correct"?

I agree with the ideologists, there should be no line. Human beings should be able to do and say what they please. I am actually extremist in this view. I think people should be able to do anything, that isn't just limited to your voice and sexual/gender orientation, I include your political and social views. Everything in your lifestyle, what you wear, your education or lack of, if you want to do drugs, your job, financial situation, the words you chose to speak with, who you have sex with, "how" you have sex, hobbies.... whatever, really.

However, I actually completely agree with the realists. This isn't how the world works, it really doesn't seem how human beings are programmed. Laws and regulations are all made up, they are fiction. People know that but don't seem to "get it", *We* decided what is ok for people to do and say, public consensus decides how society turns, it doesn't have to be on a ballot to be that way. When society, I guess, "notices" something just feels morally wrong the tides of change are always inevitable. They may take a long time, many of our moral shifts we look back on while slapping ourselves in the face thinking "How the hell COULD we....?", but they happen.

Our society is on a gender/sexuality moral shift right now, and beware if you are on the opposing side. I promise you there will be a time when we look back and the LGBT discrimination and slap ourselves in the face. Right now, people need their face slapped for them, just like the beginning of any of these moral shifts.

You simply can't get away with being hard on someones gender, or sexual preference these days like you could before, people don't like it. As more of the community come out and more of the "normal" (that's a term I use loosely) world sees we are "normal" too we increase our influence exponentially That's not to say our job is done, and it's remarks like Mr. Duck's that remind us we aren't finished.

That's the problem, you remind us. You remind us of a time where views like that were wide spread, and it was dangerous to be LGBTQ (I don't think I know them all, sorry...) As it is, people are killed simply for not being straight-cis. Today, right now while you're reading this post of mine someone is being violently killed because they don't have sex like "you" do. Let that sink in a bit before you go on....

Do I really need to say "That's not ok."?

Freedom of speech is a very powerful thing, I guess we have too much of it so we forget. Like all powerful things it comes with responsibility. You have the power to say what you want, and what you say can influence things in ways unknown to you. You have the responsibility to deal with the consequences of your words, otherwise you are not ready to carry such power and society will be certain to let you know.

"Freedom of speech" doesn't equal "Freedom from responsibility."