So now that christmas is over with for another year we can finally stop talking about it, however, I am going to force you to sit through one more talk about christmas. I kinda figure if you aren't sick of it by now you won't be. So anyway...
Boxing day is the big day for my family. Well it's the biggest day during christmas for my parents and myself, I'm not really sure how everyone else feels about it. When we were younger it was usually the entire family, but as we got older, people started going separate ways, and the gathering ended up being less then before for a few years here and there.
This year we were packed, just about the entire family was there, though a few couldn't make it. I was nervous as fuck, particularly before everyone was there. It was going to be the first time I was around them all while presenting female, and the first time at all for some of them.
I have come to the conclusion I am the luckiest miserable trans-woman on the planet. My family seemed to accept me with no trouble what-so-ever. The first relative to come did so when we thought it was my mother coming back with my brother. Instead it was my cousin. I was genuinely caught off guard when I seen her in the porch and heard her "hello!"
I have to say, it almost seemed like she was a little shocked, or maybe a little extra excited to see me. She exclaimed something and quickly came to me for a hug. I was a little taken back, which I'll explain a little more in a sec, but partially because I was just surprised that it was her and not my mother.
I'm glad it worked out like it did though, and I'm glad it was her first. I started to relax almost right after her hug. I started to feel something, and it was so apparent on my face that my partner pointed it out, but what I was feeling was actually being a part of the family. So often in the past the men/boys in the family were the only ones that approached me much, but god I had nothing to talk about so the conversations were rarely long. Besides, I was probably on my way to the computer to get away and just got caught by someone. This time I ended up sitting in with the family chatting with one of the groups of mostly women. I think that was pretty much the first time that happened.
There were a few "funny to me" moments. All the women in the family easily gave me hugs, the men were awkward as hell, lol. Oh men, so scared of their sexuality. But I had to navigate quite a few hesitant hand-shake, hug crosses and you could see the puzzle going through their head.
Oh god, does it make me sadistic that I enjoyed that? lmao
All in all I interacted with everyone far more then I ever would have. I'd say if you add up my word count that day it would be equal to the last 20 years. I had that "I'm here" feeling a few times as well. A couple of times I had to go to the bathroom to collect myself just from the emotion going on. Remember how I said having these feelings in familiar situations makes them more acute? It was exactly that. There were so many things that happened or situations I noticed that I know with total certainty that I didn't feel like this all of those other times. That was one of the main reasons I was so emotional, and it's something that makes me emotional whenever I think about it. The times I catch myself feeling calm, in control of my feelings, and happy on top of that it reminds me of how, all the time before, I didn't feel like that. Every time before I was feeling scared, confronted, confused, such inner turmoil I couldn't really feel the people around me.
So why was I taken back by the hug? What really caught me was her enthusiasm in seeing me, well she seemed so. I was always the outcast of the family, or at least that was how I always felt. To have one of them practically "squee" at seeing me was not something I was expecting. She is the sweetheart of the family though, so understandable.
It sort of set the precedent for the rest of the day. There were no questions or transition specific talks, and that had me feeling like I said it does. It's a bit of a reminder of how my uncle was treated. That being said though, I wasn't shunned by anyone, and everyone made a point to say hello, that wasn't always the case.
That day, all in all, ended up being a strong contrast to the feelings I was having monday morning, the loss for myself. In this situation, with my family on boxing day, it was made obvious to me the total 180 I have done from who I was before. I was there, I mean really there. I wasn't thinking about a hundred different things all making me feel depressed and detached from my own family right in front of me. I was feeling the feelings for what was happening at the time.
There is one moment in particular that sticks with me. I hope I don't make people paranoid by letting them know how minor of details I notice. Anyway, the moment was after supper was over. A few people had gotten up from which ever of the three tables they were sitting at and the rest of us were sitting there, chatting and sipping drinks. This happens just about every year, of course, and every year I was one of the few getting up, I was getting up to leave though, not help with dishes. This was the first year I stayed and talked. I don't remember what we were talking about and it's not important, what's important is I/we were talking. What really got me was when one of my cousins made it a point to get up from where she was and sit next to me. Never has that happened, never never never. It was around then when the feeling of being part of the family started to creep up and get noticed by me. I had to stop talking and just listen because the emotions were running so high.
I guess people are still used to me being fairly quite, and maybe now they understand why. I'm still quite at times, of course, being reflective is part of my nature now. The few times I stopped talking and just watched, I didn't feel like it was because it was the best thing for me to do. Some of the time it was me thinking about how much better this is then before, the rest of the time was watching my family interact, the constant observer I am. It created a new feeling in me, a feeling of belonging. A feeling like I'm watching the people I care about just be their beautiful selves.
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