Invisibility

Yesterday was "International Transgender Day of Visibility". I attended a presentation/discussion at the university here, and it was nice to see the turn out for a part of it. However, it brought to light something the trans community, here at least, is lacking and it also brought to light an emotion I have had all of my life. One I knew was there but was too depressed to think about it reasonably because as is, it brings me down all on it's own. So, for a little warning, this won't be a happy post.

When I was a kid, when we all are kids, what is one of the main things we do socially? We look around for like minded people and we attach ourselves to them, or I guess you attach yourselves to each other. It's more or less the bases of friendship. We don't even realize what we are doing, we just gravitate toward each other. For me it was DnD, Dungeons and Dragons that brought myself and my friends together.

I vaguely remember how it happened. I was always into those sort of games, I would play rpg games on my computer or whatever console I had at the time, when I was even younger still I used to enjoy pretending I was a superhero or something with my friends who were also pretending to be superheroes and we'd beat of the invisible bad guys together.

I spent grade 8 being quite popular in school but when the summer came around and we weren't going to school all of my friends vanished, mainly because of geography, so no I'm not placing blame or accusations on them or me. But when I got to grade 9 my popularity of the previous year was gone, something I didn't really take conscious notice of. But for the most part, it was easy to tell from an outside observer that I had little to no friends. I spent my lunch times sitting in my classroom and looking outside at all the people doing whatever they do at lunch. I was always lost in my thoughts, even back then. In fact being lost in my thoughts back then was one of the main contributors of my depression that I was rapidly slipping into as grade 9 went on.

So one day two boys approached me, I have no idea what brought them over to me at all. Pity, interest, the logistical need for another player, I just don't know. But they asked me if I would like to play DnD with them and I quickly accepted. What that led to was a long relationship with the two of them and others that I still have today, as tenuous as they may be.

Not that I wanted to, but I was powerless to turn away their offer. I had just started to get a vague idea of how "messed up" I was, I had no friends and suddenly here were two people asking me to being their friend, more or less. How could I have said no? They made me feel like maybe I wasn't so messed up, of course until my depression completely took over. I lived two lives back then. The one that was a friend to these other kids, I laughed and joked with them, occasionally fought even but our friendships became so strong that even fights wouldn't ruin it. And the other life that had desires, feelings and emotions that conflicted directly with the person I presented to everyone else. That split is what ultimately led to my completely insane depression. I would come home from school, go straight to my room and cry until supper time and then I'd go back to my room and cry until bed time. I did this literally every day for 7 or 8 months. I unconsciously realized that being around my friends kept this level of depression more or less at bay. I put more mental energy into them than myself while they were around, so I spent as much time with them as I could.

Even with such good friends as these, ultimately I felt alone. My main "hate myself" thought was that I was messed up and no one liked me, the real me. The dance I did every moment of my life was exhausting, and dancing with yourself is as sad in reality as the imagery suggests. I had plenty of people to explain how I wanted to make my next DnD character to, but not a single person in my life that I could explain how I was feeling to. Someone else who also had my feelings seemed impossible. I was the only one who felt like me, I was the only one on the planet that wanted to do the things to my body that I did.

Fast forward to yesterday, it was during a talk among 16-20 people that I realized the same is true for me now, and I can't help but feel it is true for many older trans people. As I mentioned I was at the university here, and of course all of the people there were university students, of which I am not one and was the oldest person there by 10 years or more. I went there with the intentions of offering support to what I knew was going to be a young group. While sitting there though, I couldn't help but notice how there is plenty of support for young trans people. These peer support groups, a trans-friendly/lgbt oriented summer camp, housing and support for homeless trans under 25 etc. The two biggest hurdles a young trans person has now is themselves, and simply locating these services. It is fantastic for them, I can't imagine how my life would have changed were these things around when I was young and totally lost.

But...

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, for trans adults. If you are over 25, you're fucked, time to fend for yourself. I guess the mentality is after 25 you're a "real" adult and should be able to take care of yourself. Well, this may come as a shock, but being alone is no good at any age. I know exactly zero trans people my age, and not for lack of looking, trust me. everywhere I go, no matter how trans-friendly they are, I am the transgender flag bearer. I represent the transgender world to them because none of them are trans themselves and if I do end up in a situation like yesterday when I'm surrounded by transgender people, I am still a transgender flag bearer, I'm the future that these young men and women are looking at.

Just once I'd like to sit down with someone who is my age, roughly my intellect, conversation ability and just let go of everything to them. To someone that isn't going to be surprised or deflated with how hard my life still is. Someone who knows, because they have felt it, how being transgender paints and accentuates every decision you make and thought in your mind, or how inhibiting it can be, even on good days. How I feel years behind everyone else, years behind where I should be at my age.

Similar interests and values are great between friends. They can even make strong friendships. Having no one in your life you can truly connect to will always weigh in on the side of loneliness however. Imagine being the only women you've ever met. The only other females you've met are kids. Sure you have plenty of attention from all of the men around, and are probably looked up to by these kids, but there is no one you can turn too that doesn't make you feel like you're fencing with them. Everyone you speak to has no idea at all of where you are coming from, by design rather than fault, and their expressions of sympathy or encouragement are more or less useless to you because they cannot take into account you or your experiences/values/morals.

I can't really end off with a point because I don't have one. I just needed to get this out somehow.