Stretching

Things have really changed since I last wrote something. So much so that I don't know where to start, and has been one of the reasons I have been away. Let's start there then. What I have been doing lately is living life more, that's probably my biggest change. I still think all the time but I don't dwell like I used too. As a result, I feel grounded, I feel more like I know where I should be.

All of that together, feeling grounded and more calm while I experience life has.... humbled me, for a lack of a better phrase. I feel now like what I have to say should be left to myself, otherwise I ruffle feathers and I'm also not into that so much anymore either. I've stepped away from the soap-box it seems.

I have even stepped away from the activism. Not only did I stop for ultimately selfish reasons, I did it to be selfish. I'm not sure how I got there, perhaps after enough therapy, but one day it just hit me, I had to drop all of the activism and take care of me. I was in a bit of a hard spot, mostly financially but very much so emotionally. As I did my rounds I got the most unexpected response from each person I apologetically bowed out of mutual plans with. Each one said something of the sort of "Good, I'm glad you're taking care of yourself" calling me either strong or brave for doing as such.

It didn't feel like it then, but now it is on my top 10 list of best things I've done in my life. I have discovered where "base Rebecca" is. By that I mean, reasons aside, I have found what makes me comfortable, what makes me happy or depressed, what it is that makes me pleased with life in general. Also, I have come to terms with some of my limitations, or at least the ones I've noticed.

It is something I never thought I'd find. Peace of mind of who I am. It even feels strange typing that sentence. That is the way to describe it though. Far more often I find myself thinking of ways, or currently in the middle of, just plain ol' enjoying the fuck out of my newly acquainted femininity than I do wallowing in turmoil over who I am, or what I am. I feel like celebrating on a regular basis who I have become.

and I do often ;)

Now for a little humility, who I have become is roughly the equivalent of a well thought teenager. I still don't know shit about shit but at least I'm wise enough to pay attention to what's going on. That being said, that excites me. I have the chance to learn myself again, but this time I get to listen to the real me. It's the part of me that yearns for my teen years to actually be back, in order to live life as a young girl. This is not that, and it's not better than that, but after finding my peace of mind I'm now able to see just how much potential for joy and excitement there is in my time ahead.

I find myself oddly feeling like I have no business writing these posts now though. That is not to say I am finished. It is just that after finding out how little I really know about myself I don't feel like it's my place to throw my opinion at people. Which is why this is going to be so short. I will write more, it's an outlet that I enjoy, I guess I've been attacked by an ebola-like version of writers block.

What has prompted this post is an opportunity I was given. I've been asked to join 3 others in a presentation to what seems likely to be several members of my local government. It started me thinking about things I haven't thought about for quite some time now and that led me here. What I've been thinking about is what to say. If you were given some time to promote the acceptance and wellbeing of transgender people, what would you say? There seems too much that they should hear, but what is it that they got to hear that will finally make this all make sense to them? As of right now, I'm at a loss. I'm afraid our presentation will degenerate to a listing of things trans people legitimately need but will sound like nothing more than another group making demands.

If I figure anything out, I'll let you know.

Well, a short one, getting my typing fingers back.