I don't know what to call these things I'm about to write about other then "changes". I have started to see how different I am now then before far more clearly, I guess less afraid to admit to myself that I lived as a man, less afraid it would hinder my new beautiful femininity.
One of the things I have noticed that has changed just the way I feel from day to day is having nothing to hide. At every point in my life I had a stash of things I was terrified someone would find. I had a secret I was unwilling to share, one that I guarded with pain and anger. All of these things are everywhere in my life now, my desk is covered in them, make-up and "beauty products" strewn all over the place. My bras hanging off the back of my chair, panties tossed into the laundry basket. It wasn't that long ago that all of these things would have been under lock and key. It wasn't that long ago that if I had the slightest inkling someone was getting close to them I would reach a state of panic that nothing else could bring me to.
I want things now that usually most normal people want, but I never did before. Like money to take care of things like my new home, and most amazingly myself. I never cared at all about doing things for myself, being healthy being the only exception. Now, however, I want things like clothes, or ways to decorate or otherwise fill my new apartment. It makes me think about keeping my job, working more or finding other ways to make more money. All things that I never concerned myself with in the past. The difference is now I am someone I want to be, I am someone I want to take care of, someone I want to express myself to everyone.
As part of expressing myself to people, I find it actually matters to me what people think of me. Now, I'm not so foolish to think everyone will like me, or that I can make everyone like me but it would still hurt to find out someone did not. I think the main reason for this change is now I am someone I like where as before I did not like myself, so I did not expect at all for others to like me. These days I am so cheerful in general, so happy to be alive that it seems people can't help but enjoy being around me. I was in a great mood at work yesterday and one co-worker said to me how much she enjoyed it when I'm in a good mood. People make it a point to talk to me, or to say hello or good-bye as they leave. I have mentioned before how this transition effects everyone around me, I never thought I would see it effect co-workers as well and especially in a positive way.
It was talking to another co-worker who happened to be riding the bus with me one morning that made me realize something else. Before my default emotion was that of feeling attacked, or pressured some how. I always chalked that up to being angry all the time, which I mostly was, but now I see it as something else. I was defending this person I thought I was, or that I was pretending to be, every slight against me I took as a failure in being that pretend person. I would expect so much out of myself because I was trying so hard to be this person. I even think people could see through the act in a way. In the sense they could tell I was trying hard to be who I was, I wasn't just being who I was. They way I treated people, the way I treated women, was how I thought someone like 'me' was expected to treat people, it was a conscious decision until it became second nature. Now I am just myself, I treat people how I would want to be treated, I don't talk or exist with some sort of checklist of how to be who I am, and I think people see that as well. People see that I am genuine, eventually when people get to know me better, at work for example, they will find out how down to earth I can be even though I am a "bubbly little dancing girl".
I guess this goes along with having nothing to hide anymore, but I also don't feel this pressure to be something. I have always created ways in my own head to how I am, or could be exceptional somehow, a feeling that apparently I am not alone in having in the trans world. I always knew I was meant for something more, what I didn't know was I was meant to be who I am now. Now I do not have these illusions of grandeur. I don't need them, I'm happy with who I am. Sure I am intelligent, some have said off the charts brilliant, I am creative, I am empathic, I am in tune or getting more in tune with myself, but I do not feel the pressure to prove it. I am not looking for some way to make everyone stop and look at me, now I just want to do or use these things for myself, to make me happy, to be who I am meant to be. Feeling this way has shed a sort of arrogance, and in turn anger. Seeing examples of how I am not as 'special' as I wanted to believe I was would make me see how wrong about myself I am and make me angry at myself. Of course, anger being the force it is, I would almost always take it out of others. That anger now has given way to self acceptance and it is a large part of the calm I have mentioned before. Now I feel the opposite. I feel embarrassed when I catch myself trying to prove myself, I wonder why I bothered, there is so little need to. My actions and attitudes seems to be taking care of any sort of 'proving' I may want to do.
The calmness in and about myself has given me a completely different outlook on life Sure i have the occasional bad day where everything seems overwhelming but for the majority of the time now I see all the things I want and need to do as goals. Something I can do, and will eventually do, by and for myself. Even days or moments of doubt, (yes I still have doubt sometimes) are sharply countered by the wide variety of good experiences and feelings I have had recently. Emotional days usually ending with me feeling happy or better about myself because they remind me of how unbelievably happy I have been.
I also want to go out more, I'm almost sure I have mentioned this before. Before I was a hermit, for themost part I thought I didn't like myself, why would anyone else want to spend time with me. I have a few days off and today is a rare one with no doctor appointments and I don't really know what to do with myself, all I know is I don't want to spend it all at home. I will probably go to the mall and sit in the food court in between some window shopping. I need to save money for the apartment so I can't spend much, but getting out will be wonderful.
Anyway, I feel far more of these throughout my day that I just can't recall here in the moment while typing this out. I have had several people tell me of the vast difference in person I am from before to now and I take it as a huge compliment, it makes me feel amazing that my inner calm and happiness is shining so brightly to others that they can't help but mention it.
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