For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to live by myself, the reason? I wanted to have the freedom to explore my feminine side without having to worry about dodging roommates. It would call to me every time I explored my female side in the past. I would imagine how I could come home from work, take all of my clothes off and get into something more feminine, more comfortable. I would also fantasize about how I would be able to take men to my home for.... entertainment. I would wonder, and try to think of how, I could live in two worlds. One world being my male self that just plugged through the day, going to work, seeing friends and family, running errands. The other world consisting of having people in my life that didn't know those other friends, or family, that thought I was a girl entirely, because that was all they knew of me.
Even though I had this desire to live alone centered around those thoughts and fantasies, I still didn't see them for what they were. I still thought I was just a guy exploring my sexuality. How stupid I was. I take a fair amount of pride in all of the self exploration I did, getting to know my own shortcomings and strengths. Regardless of how much of it I did, it still took me many years to realize those fantasies were pointing me in a direction I was avoiding at all costs, literally.
I had the ability during several parts of my life, essentially being able to afford my own apartment, but I always made excuses. I see now how those excuses were yet another way of me avoiding what I really wanted, to express my feminine side. It was always in the back of my mind, like I somewhat mentioned before, that I wanted to be a woman. Every time I explored my feminine side, wearing panties, shaving etc. I would always end up wondering "What would it feel like to be female?". Just like I used to eventually throw all of those things out to get away from the decision I was so afraid to make I had myself convinced it wasn't real, I also dismissed my ability to live on my own. Little did I know I was female, and I was aching to be myself.
The irony here is obviously that it has taken my coming out, many sacrifices, to finally see myself in the situation of having my own apartment. I no longer need one for the freedom from roommates to explore myself. I am here, as female, everyone in my life knowing I am taking this huge leap in life, in order for me to get the freedom I desired. My new apartment now being a part of my growing up, of becoming the woman I am, rather then as a tool to see if I am the woman I am.
My desire to live alone has shifted it's focus. I no longer want the isolation that it would give me. Now I see it as a step toward being myself. It is a huge step forward in my independence, and as a result a huge step in becoming the woman I am, or want to be. Instead of wanting two separate worlds, I want to be a part of the entire world. My new home, hopefully, eventually being a reflection of me. Rather then hiding, I want to have anyone over to see my new place. I have always had the desire to entertain dinner parties, the cook in me wanting an outlet. Now, money willing, I can have anyone over. I don't need to be concerned about who is in my home and what they may find, everyone knows who I am now.
Even people that I am more interested in keeping my past from, if they are coming to my house then either they already know, or are someone I would have little trouble sharing this with. The only thing in my life now that could give me away anyway is my own body and I guess my razor I use for my face. In every house I lived in before, I never had the feeling of home, even when I lived with my family, and my partner knows this, I didn't feel like it was my home. I always thought it was because I was always paying rent or living off the expenses of others, but I am paying rent now, at this new house. I am still not free to do 'anything' I want but what little I can I still feel like it will be my own, I feel like eventually I can make it my first home since leaving mom and dad.
To say the least, I am excited. I move there in a few weeks. Normally I don't like wishing time away, especially since coming out, I have already wasted enough but I can not wait to move to this new place and I wish it was happening tomorrow. I have already planned my first dinner party, most likely a few select people and a roasted leg of lamb. Every time I am out to a store, the mall or something along those lines, I am looking at things and thinking "Oooh, I would love having those at my place.", like a cute set of plates I seen and Winners.
I know these are things people do or think of regularly, but you have to understand how I never had these thoughts and feelings before. The desire to express myself through my residence was never there. Not only was it never there, it did not feel like my place to have it, that desire not being one I was meant to have. It is one of those feelings that is moving to me, emotionally, when I stop and think about it, and realize the dramatic difference.
Well, I guess there isn't much more I can say about what it feels like to want be moving, so I'll end this relatively short post here. I'll have more about my new place once I'm there.
My desire to live alone has shifted it's focus. I no longer want the isolation that it would give me. Now I see it as a step toward being myself. It is a huge step forward in my independence, and as a result a huge step in becoming the woman I am, or want to be. Instead of wanting two separate worlds, I want to be a part of the entire world. My new home, hopefully, eventually being a reflection of me. Rather then hiding, I want to have anyone over to see my new place. I have always had the desire to entertain dinner parties, the cook in me wanting an outlet. Now, money willing, I can have anyone over. I don't need to be concerned about who is in my home and what they may find, everyone knows who I am now.
Even people that I am more interested in keeping my past from, if they are coming to my house then either they already know, or are someone I would have little trouble sharing this with. The only thing in my life now that could give me away anyway is my own body and I guess my razor I use for my face. In every house I lived in before, I never had the feeling of home, even when I lived with my family, and my partner knows this, I didn't feel like it was my home. I always thought it was because I was always paying rent or living off the expenses of others, but I am paying rent now, at this new house. I am still not free to do 'anything' I want but what little I can I still feel like it will be my own, I feel like eventually I can make it my first home since leaving mom and dad.
To say the least, I am excited. I move there in a few weeks. Normally I don't like wishing time away, especially since coming out, I have already wasted enough but I can not wait to move to this new place and I wish it was happening tomorrow. I have already planned my first dinner party, most likely a few select people and a roasted leg of lamb. Every time I am out to a store, the mall or something along those lines, I am looking at things and thinking "Oooh, I would love having those at my place.", like a cute set of plates I seen and Winners.
I know these are things people do or think of regularly, but you have to understand how I never had these thoughts and feelings before. The desire to express myself through my residence was never there. Not only was it never there, it did not feel like my place to have it, that desire not being one I was meant to have. It is one of those feelings that is moving to me, emotionally, when I stop and think about it, and realize the dramatic difference.
Well, I guess there isn't much more I can say about what it feels like to want be moving, so I'll end this relatively short post here. I'll have more about my new place once I'm there.
No comments:
Post a Comment