Why do I not fear people knowing this about me now? There was a time in my life that letting people know I was anywhere near the transvestite, or the transgender I thought I was would have sent a terror through me that I simply cannot explain. I compared it before as the same as the terror of thinking I was about to die, like "sucked up in a tornado" kind of die. Yet when I think back to it, I realize, I can not find a specific point where the fear really left me, or at least was greatly enough outweighed by my courage that it seemed gone.
It wasn't when I told my partner, I had the courage to do it, yes, but I was far more terrified then I was brave at that moment. I was so scared all I could do was sit and think there on the bed about do I tell her or do I not and keep this fear forever for the rest of my life.
I've never really thought of it that way until this very second. What I was doing was letting my fear go. I've been frightened since coming out, yes. I was almost hit by a car today and I was frightened but I had this unbelievable fear inside me that was hurting me in every possible way. Whatever it is that created that fear in me is now gone, the feeling of fear is now gone. I never worry about someone finding out something about me. I'm not worried someone will come in to my house and find something that I don't want them to find. I don't mean mundane stuff, I'd clean the dishes and make the place presentable on different levels according on the company, sure. What I mean is I have nothing about me now that someone could find out that sends me to a pure sense of panic. All because I let go of it and simply told everyone.
That has to say something about my decision. Isn't the ultimate goal in a humans life really to not live with fear? Who would want to be afraid, ALL of the time? Could there really be a worse thing to feel for any sense of "always" or "forever"? Pain is bad yeah, but I'd rather live with pain then fear. Let me correct that, I'd rather live with physical pain then mental pain or fear, if they are actually two different things, though I'm not convinced they are. All sorts of people have said the phrase "like a great weight lifted" and I think I know what they mean, it does feel like that now, but it doesn't too. It feels like curing something that was killing me. I mean that figuratively and literally in that I've thought about killing myself so many times because of this, and if I were to ever tell someone, or someone would have found out, I would feel like I was about to die, and maybe before in my life, I would have done the deed myself.
But yet I told my partner. How did I ever manage to do that? After that I told my parents. The fear I would have had before of either of those people finding out about who I was would have terrified. I had things hidden away all of my life that would have terrified me if someone would have come close to finding, now I have no trouble talking about any of it. If my parents wanted to know about all of the things they found in my room, I would, now, answer them freely. Well I guess I have already told them the answer, probably nothing needs to be said now.
All of these things that had to do with who I was was generating a deep fear in me. The various paraphernalia I have had from dildos to lingerie, the websites I would visit, the tv shows I would watch, I done it all in secrecy completely out of fear. I guess it is true that the only way to remove your fears is to face them, as cliche as that may be. I had no other way to rid myself of this fear then to offer it up for everyone to see.
I haven't felt that utter hate for myself that I felt a little over a year ago, and all of my life before that either. A hate that has ruined so many things for me, believing myself unworthy of anything positive. The hate for who I was goes deeper then hating the person I presented as a means of hiding myself. That was actually a side effect of the true hate I had for myself. I hated being transgender, I hated not knowing who I was, I hated not being in a body that made sense to me, I hated feeling things that I felt I shouldn't feel. I hated everything about me, I even hated myself for hating myself. Just more negativity centered around being transgender. This too is mostly gone, with the fear, in me. I guess now that I think about it the only times I hate myself is when I see something that reminds me, or looks a little too masculine.
Again, clearly I have done something good for myself. Possibly the only good thing I have ever done for myself. Certainly the best, if there is a list. I can't really describe what this feeling is like. This shedding of the fear and self hate. Honestly, this is one of those times I feel like I haven't done an adequate job of explaining the severity of this whole post. The seriousness of the fear and hatred and the elation of feeling it gone.
Being true to this person that I am, this person I'm enjoying expressing so very much, has made me fear free. Free to be comfortable with everything about who *I* am. It is a feeling I have never felt before. I used to be so ashamed about so many of the things I would do in private. Things I now present regularly for everyone to see. All of what I'm doing, all of who I am expressing as me now making me feel so good about myself, so happy... stress free.
I think the main point I want to remember is this. I had to show everyone my biggest fear in order to get rid of it, and ridding myself of fear seems to be a healthy thing to do. My therapist explained to me how "happy" is our default as humans, that is when we are who were really are. An emotion like fear is meant to steer you in the direction of happy, making you do whatever it is to be rid of the fear. As I keep transitioning I keep shedding more and more of that fear, and in turn it is making me happy. Presenting as female to everyone, even at home by myself makes me happy, happier then I have ever been. Every now and then the realizing of this new found happiness has made me everything from ecstatic to what it is doing now and that is making me see the truth of who I am, shattering another block of doubt. How can I deny such feelings when they are happening to me on a daily basis, written on my face in the smiles, laughs and happy expressions I carry with me at all times now.
Understanding this loss of fear in me is something else that is making sense of who I am to me. So much so that I am almost crying here thinking of the truth and ramifications of this new thinking. I can stop being defensive because that fear is gone. I can start feeling who I am again. There is no other choice I have made in my life that has given me such a strong sense of "this is where I am meant to be, this is what I am meant to do." I am so happy now. It took this reflection and writing it down for it to make me finally see how happy I am. Why am I happy right to my core? Happy like I have never felt before? There is only one answer, because I am transitioning and presenting the female I have always wanted to present, I am feeling inside the way I have always wanted to feel.
Look at the woman I have become. Beautiful, intelligent, open-minded, understanding, experienced in life. I get called things like "tiny" and "delicate", adjectives that my fear would have made me avoid, made me hate myself even more. Now with the fear gone, I love them.
I guess what I have done is show myself I have nothing to be afraid of. With that fear mostly gone I have started to cast away the hate of that fear, or of the target of that fear. I guess it works like all fear, you hate the things you fear. This is a powerful emotional breakthrough I am seeing the me I have become, the me that has wanted to get out. The me that is a brand new woman, young at heart, learning how to be herself.
This is beautiful.
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