I asked facebook friends if they had any helpful suggestions, since this would be my first time doing this on my own. I dyed my hair many years ago but it was a girlfriends idea and she did it all, I just sat down. I didn't get anything useful from friends but a good friend of mine sent me a message and offered to take me out and help me make a choice. Which was awesome. Shortly after she came to my house and we were off. She suggested we go to Target. One of their large stores opened up here fairly recently and it is still a bit of a novelty. I honestly had no idea where to go.
It was while we were at the store that what I want to talk about really happened. We did some looking around, she looking for things for her daughter, me just looking. We were chatting about all sorts of things and from time to time I either asked her for or received from her random helpful tips. It was when I asked about my concealer that I started to see what was going on. The center of the sponge on my concealer always falls apart on me and I was wondering if that was something that just happens or if it was the little bit of stubble left on my face after shaving that was destroying it. She told me it happens, then gave me a little tip. Apparently the liquid from the concealer tends to collect around the edges and you can press it out with your finger.
I realized then that, holy shit, I am a trans-woman learning how to be a woman. Then the whole outing changed. I was a little scared at first, to be honest. I remembered the young person I used to be craving to be doing exactly what I was doing right at that moment. That young person was scared to show it publicly and never did. That fear that always held me back before was starting to summon itself up again and I actually almost started to panic. Before that happened though, I seen what was happening again. Here were two women out shopping, I was in no rush, had no agenda other then getting hair coloring, so I just enjoyed the moment, and a euphoria washed over me. I felt how I was living that craving from so long ago, the fear just being let go, set adrift.
Along with that feeling came some acceptance. I seen the new woman I was, emphasis on "new". I started seeing everything around me differently, particularly the women specific products. Instead of seeing them as a way to hide who I was I started to see them as a part of my journey, part of learning who I am and how I want and need to live now.It was like walking into the most interesting classroom ever.
It always amazes me how the simplest little things can have such an amazing effect on me in this transition. Who would have thought I would bring so much out of a trip to the store to dye my hair? I have known for some time now that I needed to learn more about how to "be a woman" but I had no idea how, I didn't know where to begin at all. I had to experience it in person to see what it was I needed. It felt so good, the calm euphoria, so... cleansing, that made me relax after a long week at work, it was the break I needed. Because of how strong that feeling was, and how much I learned that I have much to learn, and how I can start doing that, I have decided that once a week on my days off I'm going to go out and just shop, maybe pick up something, maybe not, maybe bring someone for advice, maybe ask the store clerk. It is these stereotypical feminine things that I am scared of doing, and are holding me back in my transitioning. It took pushing through that fear to see how much I needed to start doing those things.
Now the picture :)
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