Sweaty Plans

A very close friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while stopped by yesterday, We chatted for a while about all kinds of things, his kid, our family, jobs, my transition, etc. In our talking I mentioned I just joined a gym, that day actually. I told him about the facilities there and that I'm excited to get back into a gym again. I paused for a moment, noticed that he was thinking about something and, guessing what was on his mind I said, "So that's a frontier to push past." to which he responded, "Yeah, some careful planning involved there I imagine."

The moment he said that I seen the reality of what I have been doing. I hadn't noticed how much mental effort I have put into going to the gym for the first time as a trans-woman in the middle of my transition. I'm not even sure I can remember every detail of what has gone through my mind as I try to make myself comfortable with going to the gym, something I really want to do. Before I get into this though, I want to explain something.

I'm sure it is easy for the cis-gender to think "I put a lot of thought to going to the gym as well, what is she complaining about?" Women, for example, may be concerned about if they look good for the gym. Do you put on make up? Maybe just a little? Do my clothes fit, are they flattering? etc. I can tell you with complete certainty, that this isn't the same. How? Because I am thinking these things as well. These are the basic worries and concerns I have. The other concerns go much deeper  for me, and for other trans people.

I'm sure we all think about what to wear. I'm not just thinking about how I look in them, flattering or not, I'm worried about if someone will notice I have a penis. I have a shirt that is long enough to go over it, I think, but I'm not sure. I may use my new found courage to just "do it" and let fate take over, which is probably what will happen. But it has been on my mind for days, in fact it has been what has  kept me from going for a good while now.

I'd like to go with no make-up and put it on after I'm done but that isn't an option. So I have been thinking about what to do, how much or how little to put on. Also, they have a pool, I would love to go swimming but that would remove any efforts with makeup and show everyone the beard shadow underneath it all.

That's all only about how I will present myself. There is also the change room. How do I make sure no one sees what I don't want them to see? I guess it will come down to me getting changed in a stall or something, and I certainly won't be getting a shower there, maybe on the days I go swimming, if I figure out something for that. What will I do, and what will happen, when or if someone finds out? What if that someone says something to the gym, what will their policy be?

I am trying to figure out a way to get from the pool to the change room with as little exposure as possible. My plan is to go to the gym, lifting weights or at the machines or something for a while to feel the place out and come up with a plan. So I'm planning on making a further plan just so I can do something I enjoy and most people just "do".

I shouldn't have these concerns. I should live in a society that doesn't care if a trans-woman is getting changed in the women's change room or wants to go for a swim. No cis-woman is thinking "Oh, what if someone find out I have a vagina? Will I get kicked, or ridiculed, out of the gym?" A part of me hopes a scene does happen. That's the advocate side of me that wants to be put in a situation that I have been discriminated against and can show the people the error of their ways and have the moral high ground while doing so.

Besides all of these worries there is a great deal of excitement involved. I am going to the gym! Every time I do something like this, something I want to do and haven't because it has been too far outside my comfort zone, I get excited. I get excited because it is something I want and I am about to get it, but I am also excited because I am doing something outside of my comfort zone. It gives me an example of my progress. It lets me watch it happen.

I never would have thought of going to the gym eight months ago. In fact, I recall talking to my partner at the time and saying I will "never" be able to go to the gym. Swimming was something I assumed I would wait until all surgeries were done before I would see the wet side of a pool. Here I am now trying to figure out a way to make it happen. My emotional and self confidence has been growing quickly lately, I feel like I am riding a wave of self discovery and coming to terms with some key emotions and each one is opening up new doors.