Integration

I have lived just about a full year now presenting female to the world, and myself,  24/7. My life is fairly routine so I haven't had much opportunity to have a lot of different experiences. It is something I consciously am aware of and try to do at least once every couple of weeks. Go out somewhere I haven't been before, or meet people I haven't met before. Just to see what it is like to go through these experiences as the woman I am meant to be. What I am finding however is the difference between mundane things, mostly social interaction, now as a woman.

Years ago I knew a woman that had a personal cab driver. She would call him up, get a ride bringing her friends with her and when we would arrive at our destination she would just get out. A quick, "add that to my account" was exchanged and that was it. I thought it was fantastic, and have wanted the same for myself for years. I tried, in the past, to make the same sort of arrangements with cab drivers and have been flat out refused.

One day, about a month ago now, I called a cab from the grocery store. During the drive home the driver asked me if I was the one always calling for cabs from my work place and heading to the same street as I was today. I told him that was me and he quickly offered to give me his number so that I can call him directly for a ride, stating, "Now you have your own personal cabbie."

Just like that I ended up getting this little thing I wanted for a good while. Now, I know it isn't miraculous but it is a clear statement of how even the little things are different for men and women. On top of having a personal chauffeur, he has also been quite kind to me. He has given me breaks on ride fees for a night on the town, he has offered somewhat difficult to find food-stuffs knowing I'm a cook who loves food. He has even gotten a little pot from one customer and given it to me. All of these things would have never happened to me as a man.

There is another reason I mention this cab driver. A few weeks ago I was at a party, a rather large one. One of those parties where you know everyone but didn't get a chance to talk to them all, some of them being people you rarely talk to but see several times a week. As it was starting to wind down several of us were calling cabs. I called my own cab, and since it was my personal cab, and I was heading home rather then in the opposite direction as everyone else, I hadn't planned on taking anyone with me. As my cab driver pulled up the back seat filled before I even opened the front door. I got in anyway, and explained I had no idea we were going to be taking a full cab. My friends offered to get out and both I and the driver said no. I got my ride home and asked him to give the girls a good deal. We said our good nights and I got out of the cab and left them to their continued partying.

The next time I called this driver he mentioned that night to me. What he said stirred emotions in me I can't really recall having before. He said the three girls that were left after I got home think very highly of me. He didn't get into detail but he said he asked if they knew me, saying I was a "sweetheart" and they responded with several compliments.

I am not used to this, from many different angles. For whatever reason I feel like compliments given to others from people about me are more sincere then compliments given to me directly from those people. To hear a car full of people describe me as a "sweetheart" and "so nice" takes a serious chunk out of the old self image of the hard, bitter man I used to be. It allows the mental freedom to occasionally picture myself as a sweet, kind, thoughtful woman. An image that brings me inner peace and calm that I get from no other source. I have mentioned the concept of "emotional transition" before and it seems this true acceptance of being a woman now, of being the kind woman, among other things, that I would want to be, is a large part of that emotional transition. It has become apparent to me that I have a hard time accepting the fact that I am actually the woman I have always wanted to be.

I feel like this is something that is hard to explain to the cis-gendered. I imagine most people just are who they are, they picture themselves, exactly as they are. They may have goals they would like to achieve, gaining a house, losing weight, etc. but they ultimately have no reason to feel like they are something they are not, or that they have to convince themselves they are something that they are. That's the tricky part. For so many years now just about every source in my life has told me I am a man, even my own eyes. There has been one voice of opposition, my own feelings, and while it seems it is undeniable, it is something that is difficult to override when you are the kind of person that lets logic defeat emotion 90% of the time. It seems, this is my current battle. The accepting, the... amalgamation of my feminine emotions and desires with my inner dialog and daily self image. You would think this is something that would be fairly simple, but it would seem that after so many years of hiding who I am and wanted to be, it has made myself the most difficult person to convince that this is my life now.

Something else that the talk between friends and cab driver has done is make me again see my lack of self worth. For the majority of my life I have always felt like no one talks about me when I'm not around. I have thought this way for one reason, I am simply not that important or interesting enough for people to consider after I have left their presence. "Out of sight, out of mind." in the truest sense. To be told people were talking about me, and in such a pleasant way, feels out of place for me. Imagine, people finding me a topic of conversation? Why? Honestly, the idea baffles me so much that I find myself wondering if maybe the cab driver made that little story up for some reason. That not a single word was said about me. That makes far more sense to me then thinking people actually like me enough to talk about me to each other.

In a somewhat related matter. I find myself doing things I would not have done before in the past. Now that I'm out as transgender, now that I'm striving for this one thing I want more then anything else and I am letting nothing get in my way, including everything else that is important to me I find myself less inclined to not speak my mind. My reasons resting in two places. Now that "everyone" knows my ultimate secret, why should I be concerned with all of the little things I  think, especially the things I think about myself. Why be afraid, or embarrassed really, to tell people I think I'm intelligent, or that I am capable of anything I put my mind to? Any of that is nothing compared to what I have already told people. The other reason being I see the wisdom and importance of not being afraid to go after what you want. There is nothing but pure truth and wisdom in the words, "First, learn how to make yourself happy."

I had a conversation with my employer a while ago about my place in the business. I had two actually. The first I defaulted to my usual guarded self, being non-committal, not saying much about myself, my goals, ambitions or abilities. That meeting left me feeling unfulfilled. Honestly, in the past I would have blamed that on my employer not me. This time however, I seen the truth, that I did it to myself. How could anyone want to put any resources into an employee whose personal opinions and agenda have nothing to do with the company? So I asked for a second talk and I spoke to her like I speak here. I was unapologetic about the opinion I have of myself, where I am going in life, my potential and my goals. Something I would never had done in the past. This time the conversation went well, and I will leave it at that.

I wonder if it is easy to see how each of these things all come together to create a whole. Being treated differently as a woman then I was a man, learning of people talking about me showing me how low my self-worth is, the acceptance of the woman I have become and doing things I wouldn't normally do. They are all a result of my transition. The good and the bad coming to light now that the curtains are raised. Now that I am expressing myself as the woman I want, it is giving me permission to express myself in other ways that I want. There is more then the self confidence that came out with talking to my employer, I also express my happiness more readily, I have learned to let stress go, etc. I see the holes that my self worth has punched into my character and they are slowly (very slowly) beginning to mend themselves. Things happening to me now feel real, more genuine, because they are happening to the me that has always stayed hidden in the past. My transition, being myself, has let all of these things happen, they are showing me the person I am. It is taking time, but being true to myself, honest with my feelings, and honest with others is creating a me that I feel like I can begin to love. That is a feeling I have never had before.