Getting My Fill

Wednesday of last week my night was rather mundane. I think I played some playstation and got a shower before going to bed, nothing special. I wasn't in a bad mood, or depressed, but neither was I in a particularly great mood either. Shortly after going to bed I fell asleep.

At one point I woke up, it wasn't from a sound, or needing to use the bathroom, I just opened my eyes. Suddenly I was feeling awful, I was thinking every sort of bad thought about my transition. Everything from doubting if I'm doing the right thing to not transitioning well enough to make me feel right, the things that I can't do in any foreseeable future to help my transition, for whatever reason, money and time being the main ones. I even started to get frustrated with how much effort I put into this daily. Things like plucking my entire torso every few days and having to shave and put on makeup every. single. day. Before I can look at myself in the mirror without wanting to tear my face off. My mind racing with these ideas until the last one.

I should kill myself and rid myself of the impossibility of what I am trying to do. To finally be free from the constant pressure and endless questioning and doubt.

I thought that and got upset with myself, how is it possible I'm back here again? Suicide is something I haven't thought of in quite some time, it feels like. Then I realized how the idea of it made me feel. It honestly made me feel good. Finally I would be finished with this endless fight. It was like making a hard choice that you've been putting off for far too long. Luckily I guess I was more devastated with the idea that I was thinking like that again than I was convinced I just made the final right choice to commit suicide because it felt so good to finally make that decision.

I remember one day, several years ago, after having a talk with my brother he said something to me like, "You just want to find a way to stop thinking." I laughed and agreed with him. That is what the decision for suicide was for, to just stop thinking. Did the idea of that ever sound relaxing.

I spent the rest of the day wondering why it felt so good. And I must admit, I did question, does it feel so "right" because it is? I've often said to myself, when I finally commit suicide I'll do it realizing I was meant to do it years ago.

 It took some time but I realized where the idea of suicide was coming from, if not the reason for the feeling. I hadn't felt any validation in what seemed to be some time now. I haven't been out with anyone for several weeks that is new to my life and knows only "Rebecca". Or even going out with my ex and doing something "girly" or feminine for lack of better words. Talking to my therapist, as well. Days like those give me validation. It makes me feel like a woman. Having days that I get validation fills me with confidence. Think of it like a cup of water with a slow leak. Over the days the water in that cup will go down to empty. I can keep that from happening by adding some every day, or adding a fair bit from time to time. Well, I was out of water.

I went home a little early. I spent some time before hand trying to decide if I should or not. It was when I finally decided that instead of getting off work early, going home and doing nothing which would probably fix nothing, I went home and got ready to go out. I went to a bar in fact. I decided while still at work that someone was going to kiss me that night, and someone did. I sat at the bar and had a drink. After looking around for a while I started to think I was going to leave. It seemed like nothing but couples there and/or people I wasn't interested in. Before I finished my drink I seen one guy step up to the bar almost straight across from me. He was good looking, tall, wide chest, dressed in a suit. I said to myself.

"This guy is buying me a drink."

I caught his eye and held his gaze for a bit before looking away. I would look around for a while and lock eyes with him again. After he finished his drink he called the bartender over. She turned around and looked at me, then back at him. She made him a drink then walked over to me.

"That guy just bought you a drink, so what do you want?"

"Not fucking bad.", I thought to myself, lmao.

Anyway, I ended up going over and talking to him and his friend. They both flirted with me, giving me wonderful compliments like "I'm the most classy woman in the bar right now." They wanted to take me home for a threesome, which, I'm sorry, but I'm taking that as a compliment these days. Before I left I was being kissed by the guy who bought me the drink. It was nice kissing him, it was nice to lay my hand on his chest, feel how solid it was, how much bigger he was.

Needless to say it was a bunch of new feelings for me.

The next day I was... holy fuck was I in a good mood. Not only did I have several new experiences, it was very validating for me, it gave me confidence too. I guess I know it isn't real. As my ex pointed out to me, this sort of validation is shallow. She's right, but it sure is invigorating. It is like a drug of sort, you get one hell of a high, but it doesn't last forever, and the crash usually sucks.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every second of that thursday night and the next few days afterward while I rode the high. There is a lesson to be learned in every situation and I learned a lot that entire day. I know I can sense when my self confidence starts to run out, and that confidence is what I need to battle the never ending self-doubt. I know the sexual advances and compliments from men make me feel great. I know when I'm feeling awful, I can do something about it that will at least work for the time being. From that, I know what I need to work toward. Making sure my cup never goes empty, ultimately finding a way that makes sure that cup never goes empty but does it with something more real, more stable.

Well, I have a lot I was going to write on but it is getting late, I'll get to them eventually.