Poof

Sorry about the long hiatus, between work, my computer not working and my internet connection not working it became quite difficult. Now I have another problem, I have no idea what to write about or how to write, I've kinda lost it a little after not using it for a while. So I'm just going to dive right in, in typical Rebecca fashion.

There has been something on my mind for a good while now, even before last writing here. I think I may have briefly mentioned it before, but it's something that is seriously on my mind and I just may go through with it.

What that is, is moving off, starting a new life. I don't just mean going to another city and trying life there. I mean doing all but faking my own death and disappearing away from everyone I know and starting my life completely new in a completely new city. From my understanding many transgender people feel this way at some point. Honestly, I'm surprised I don't personally know of any. I guess then that it would only make statistical sense that I be the trans person I know that has done this.

I feel this way for a lot of reasons. It seems to be another one of those decisions I've wanted to make in a long time but haven't yet. What I have learned about myself is those are the things I always eventually do and after I do them I always find it was the right thing for me. I'm actually getting to the point that I let that feeling I get for these sort of decisions to make the decisions for me, if I find I can't come to one without it.

So why do I want to do this? Well I want to move for several reasons. I guess some of it is a "grass is greener" sort of view, but I live in a small city, a city I have always said was too small for me, and I think I would have more opportunities in a different/bigger one. This may be some what redundant but I'm also kinda done with this place. The available work, the weather, and to some extent even the people. The people for two reasons, one is the close-mindedness of too many people here, the other I'll get into in a moment.

That's just why I want to move. Why I want to disappear obviously has to do with people. I have to say the single biggest reason I want to disappear is to completely shed my past. Nothing reminds me more than people.

Here's the thing. I often reflect on my past, the "boy" I used to be. I really have become to see her as the young very confused and lost trans-teen. These reflections however, are mostly me sorting out where being transgender came from. Something I often say you shouldn't try to do I know, but it's impossible not to. I pass by places in this small city that remind me of past relationships, or stages of my life and some of them make me think "meh" some of them make me wish in the worst way I was a woman at the time, and those are the ones that get to me.

What people do is not let me let go of the emotional baggage of being transgender and they also trigger just about everything that makes being transgender difficult in your own mind.

For example, people who knew me in the past and either refuse to call me "Rebecca" or forget to so much that I just as well not have changed my name. The holidays were more or less the last straw for me. I seen a good bit of family and the majority of them got my name wrong most of the time. Yes yes, I know, I should be patient, they have been calling me that for 30ish years... blah blah blah. However, I am sick of it. It has been almost two years, my name is Rebecca. It has gotten to the point that it has become a major reason to move and disappear. If I never hear that name again, or be called "him" once more it would be worth it.

I also met an old co-worker that flat out refused to call me Rebecca because she "knew me as <insert name here>." If I wasn't in a nice restaurant at the time I would have completely lost it but I managed to keep my cool and just eat my app without any bloodshed.

I guess to these people, it's simply a matter of it being "no big deal" to them. I can even sit here and admit that that is a reasonably good way for them to be, it's kinda nice that they don't see the difference.

However.

I forget where exactly I read this, it was something that I scrolled by on facebook. It was someone talking about, and to, our transgender allies. Or actually now that I think about it, it may have been a lesbian who wrote it. Either way, it is the perfect message to our allies and it sums up nicely how I feel and that "no big deal" isn't as nice as you may think. Essentially what this person said is that that isn't enough. We don't want you to just be blind about it, we want you to see us. I may want the general public to just look at me and think "she" because that's how I look and act, etc and that's how I want to be. My family and close friends and allies though, I want them to call me by my correct name (because it is legally changed) and use proper pronouns because they know who I am. They know I am transgender, they see it, they fully accept it and they call me the correct things out of respect for who it is that I am.

Knowing I'm transgender and continuously calling me my old name and pronoun hurts far more than some random person. If a store clerk looks at me and thinks I warrant a "sir" then that's "my fault" for not looking feminine enough (oh please oh please, let's just leave this as is for now and not kill the poor clerk or get into how that's an awful frame of mind on my part.) But if my family, or friends call me sir, they know. They know that hurts me, they know that reminds me of a time of my life that was nightmarish. They know better.

Besides that, I find myself still catering to the people of my past a bit when it comes to my personality, interests, lifestyle and life choices. Many of which, I feel, are more suited for a larger city anyway. There are still some people I spend time with and ever so subtly start feeling like that old person and it makes me want to jump in a shower...

...of fire ants

Which brings me to another point. If I move to a place full of strangers, at this point in my transition, I would simply be "she". Everyone would treat me as a cis woman and I LONG to know what that feels like. Right now I live two lives, the people that think I am a cis woman and the people that know I am not. I am a different person around both groups of people and I like everything involved in everyone thinking I'm a cis woman a lot more. Imagine never talking on the phone to someone that might accidentally call me "him" from memory. Or not being on the outside of the social dynamic because people don't know where you "fit" anymore.

As I said, I have been thinking about this for quite some time. During that time I have slowly eliminated the various things that were keeping me from this decision. One of those that is gone is giving people time to "get used to it." whatever that was about. People expect you to change your language instantly on a regularly basis, some people in my life can't be bothered with it for my sake. Another that is slowly going away is my fear of doing it. In fact, I'd say that is gone now too. And honestly, that is usually the last step for me in these big decisions.

Also, there are a handful of people that I wouldn't want to leave behind, people that I would tell where I was going and talk to while I was there. I used to feel like that was half assing it, honestly. If I'm going to vanish, then vanish 100%. This is something else I have gotten over.

The main thing currently holding me back is money and knowledge. I need to pick a spot, I need to find out costs, living arrangements, etc. It is possible I will overcome the financial situation in a reasonably short amount of time.

All of this being said, dear reader, I will keep everyone here filled in and probably won't be giving it up as part of my disappearing act.

Well, a short one today, I had to get back into the mindset, sorry if this one isn't up to par.