I'm not sure if I mentioned this here or not, but I posted on my facebook that I have this blog. Since I've done that I've gotten a fair bit of response. I've being writing this like no one is reading it, that's how I manage to be so candid, but it's kinda obvious to me now that people are reading it.
One of the main reasons I hesitated telling facebook was because of family members reading it.I kinda figured my parents would, but I have a few other extended family that also are, so I'm feeling a little reticent.
And I'm having none of that.
So, let's just press right through this, shall we?
My family had a huge impact on my dysphoria. No one puts expectations on you like your family does, and when everyone thinks you're a boy there are even more, especially from my parents generation. I was clearly different then the rest of my family but no one ever knew why, obviously. No one even had close to a clue, besides the fact that I became an expert con artist about this, it was simply not an option for anyone to think.
My youngest years, say under the age of ten was pretty simple. I was constantly given gender norms to adhere by, but at that time it didn't "bother" me. I had other things I would have rather done, like play with My Little Pony, but I listened to my parents and that was kinda it.
When puberty started setting in though, I started becoming aware of my very different personality. It was unbelievably frustrating going through what I was going through and having people chalk it up as being a "typical teenager". There has never been anything typical about me, except maybe a typical transgender kid.
I tried, and try, often to think of what my family thought of me back then. Just about everything about me was different then them. They thought school education is the end all to be all, I thought it was a bunch of people trying to make themselves feel more important. They were all very religious, I was.... not, and I enjoyed telling you. At that time, that wasn't a very popular thing to do. I enjoyed intelligent stand-up comedy and music, and their lyrics. They seemed to enjoy slap-stick like comedy and more mainstream/newfoundland music. I was an artist, they were not.
I also knew I had beliefs they hadn't even thought about. A lot of it centered around sex and gender. Like transvestites are people too, I was completely ok with homosexuals, I thought monogamy was a recipe for disaster, I was into BDSM. I thought sex could be something shared between any two people, (or three, or four, or...) Transvestism aside, I thought men and women should be able to wear whatever they wanted. I didn't think it was strange for a man to say "beautiful" (yeah, that's backwards times were then.) There were quite a few things.
Most importantly though, I think. I wore black all the time, gave thought to hard decisions, to hard world problems. I had started to become sensitive to my own lack of expression and I started feeling it in others. Ultimately, I was the depressed kid in the family and I think they had no idea how to handle me, and I'm sure I didn't make it easy.
I have a few examples of things that I remember about different relatives and how they related to my being transgender. There is no way I can talk about this without them knowing who I'm talking about so, here we go.
I have one cousin that has been a best friend to me. Time and responsibility has diminished that a little, but he still is one of my best friends. I am, four (I think?) years older then him and there was a time period where he spent more time with me at my house then he did at home. I joke about that time to people and say I "raised my cousin.", which is hardly true, but I felt motherly at the time. It was one of the first times I felt like I wanted to inside, but still had no one to share or explain it to.
There are another group of family members I am just going to lump together, because that's how much love I have for them. I seen this side of the family roughly once a year, for christmas, and... fuck them. I haven't met a single group of such arrogantly ignorant people in my life. They caused me a lot of pain. The other side of my family didn't know how to connect with me, and really left it at that. This side didn't know how to connect to me and that was MY problem that they needed to fix, apparently. No one in my life judged me as much as they did. I was depressed and wore black a lot, "cheer up and wear some color! what's wrong with you!" I had long hair "Only girls have long hair." I didn't want to go to university, "you're no one of you don't go to university."
Just about every core belief these people had was a polar opposite to mine, which is fine. The artistic qualities in me being a stark contrast to their inelegant ways. But when you start telling me I'm wrong, you're right, and there's something wrong with me because I feel that way (Which there FUCKING WAS, but not like they thought), you can go to hell. These people basically made me feel like how I was feeling was wrong, alien, and unforgivable.
One visit a year, quite the accomplishment.
During my university days I was getting rides with another cousin of mine who was also going to university. That became awkward for me. Why? You ask.
Well...
I started to become attracted to her. To start with, she is attractive, but as I started to get to know her during our drives I started wanting to be her, like I've done with many females in the past. I'd pick out qualities in her that I liked and wished I could be. I actually found myself hitting on her trying to get to know her (and therefore me) a little better. She was my cousin so I thought maybe there was a better chance for answers in her (not knowing at the time the answers were in me). I don't know if she ever felt it, but once I noticed what I was doing, I stopped.
I just remembered another time where an aunt and uncle tried to, I dunno, "man me up" for lack of better terms. Maybe it was "cheer me up." I'm not sure. I was given motorbike rides, the male version of the sex talk, a handful of other attempts to figure me out. I was so impossible to connect to though, it didn't last long, and I don't blame them even a little bit, I did appreciate it in fact.
Essentially that's what it comes down to I suppose. I was impossible to connect with on any level. Anything you could get me engaged in was something people didn't know about, didn't want to hear, or didn't know want to say about. Probably mostly the latter. I had one side of my family that tried, failed, and I think felt bad. The other side of my family couldn't care less and only gave me enough thought to wonder why I wasn't jumping on their bandwagon.
There is one large thing though that happened that really made me put my head in the sand. When my uncle came out as gay it opened my eyes. I wasn't directly told until he told me, many years later. It still is something that our family claims not to be ashamed of, but are so quiet about I hardly see the difference. How quiet it was kept made me go completely into my closet about being transgender. My thoughts of someone being gay at the time was "Is that all?" I was comparing it to me who wanted to change genders, act and present like a woman rather then the boy I was born, AND I also had homosexual fantasies.
Lol even my fantasies were confusing to me, which ones were homosexual and which ones were heterosexual? Anyway..
Their reaction to my uncle gave me no hope for myself. One of the contributing factors of my trip to Atlanta. I think it's great, I'd like for him to take his boyfriend to our christmas dinner some year (if he has one. See? I don't even know that). I've always felt that way. I always thought it was total crap that my cousins, aunt, myself and my brother all brought boy/girlfriends and my uncle never did. I think actually, once.
All of this being said, very little of this was done intentionally. Clearly they had no idea I was transgender, being sensitive to that wasn't even in our culture then. When it came to me hiding the little girl inside me everything and anything could have set me off, or made me feel worse, or more alone. For the most part they had no idea what effect the things they did and said had on me.
Saturday, 30 November 2013
Friday, 29 November 2013
Makeover
If you were able to listen to Crosstalk yesterday you would have heard me being ask what I thought about transgender related surgery. Honestly I know I can be wordy so I ended up saying as little as possible so I thought I'd give a more thorough answer here.
It's probably the most delicate subject in the trans community, not to make assumptions. Mainly because for the non-transgender mind it seems to be their biggest curiosity, and for some transgender it is a topic of pain for many reasons, Not to mention it's our genitals, doncha think that's a little personal?
The fact that none of us can give anyone a straight answer, or the same one probably doesn't help. That is part of our point though, not to get side tracked, people are different.
So, to answer the question, "what do I think of surgery." I'll take two swipes.
First. I think it's something that should be covered by mcp, here in newfoundland and without all of the red tape. Face it, we are the ones leading our own health care. We each will, and are the only one capable to, tell you if we do or do not want surgeries. It seems to ultimately come down to this decision, "Will 'replacing' what I have make me feel better?" If that answer is "no" then I can't imagine someone getting surgery like that because they think they "might" feel a little better, and the side effects would be worth it.
Besides that, we have the care here. It would save so much grief simply by letting people do their jobs. The jobs they want to do, the jobs people are going to them for.
Anyway, I don't feel like I really know enough about that to say much more then opinion, so..
The second part, what do I think of surgery for myself? Like I said it's something I'm strongly considering but it's quite the decision to make, so let me elaborate.
There are several surgeries that are available that I don't think I'll be needing. facial feminization, trachea shave, there are a few that I can't even remember that I probably won't be doing. The reason why, for me, is I don't need them. More accurately, I don't feel I need them. The hormones seem to be doing a reasonable enough job with my face, and body in general. My voice simply isn't worth slicing bits of me away to solve a problem I can do with practice. The majority of the rest of the ones I have forgotten (I seem to be only able to find that list when I want to feel bad about how much money I need to spend) fall under one or two of those options. Either something doesn't need to be fixed or is fixing it's self right now, or just isn't worth doing and/or other options are better.
The infamous top and bottom surgery however. Top surgery I was all but adamant on getting done say, less then 2 months ago. Now I'm not sure. My breasts are developing... not bad. From what I understand, it can take several years before they are finished growing. If that is the case, maybe I'll wait those several years and see what happens naturally. Or maybe I'll have enough of squinting into the mirror before that time is up and get it done anyway.
Not to mention all of the other problems that come with any surgery. The actual idea of getting that done.... I haven't even broken a bone before, never mind getting surgery.
Hah, I actually laughed to myself when I thought of this, so I'll say it here. Surgery is only something I would have done to myself if I could have AT ALL made that possible considering some of the things I have done.
So yeah, the usually complications too...
Of course there is the issue of money. Not to pick a fight but top surgery isn't covered by mcp at all for a MtF transgender. So if I want to get this done, on my own is my only option.
As for bottom surgery.... bleh.
I hate thinking about it, honestly. Regardless it's in the distant future, so there's that. But the absolutely tug-of-war that is the decision to do this or not is just not one my brain feels like poking at most nights. The difference between top and bottom is my genitals can only be changed by surgery, waiting to see what happens won't change anything unlike top surgery. So that almost seems like a "well, whatcha waiting for?" but it's sharply countered by, "You're about to remove your penis... Hello??"
It is a feelings vs intellect though. I look down at myself, or in the mirror. Especially putting on underwear or certain pants I feel pretty disgusted. I almost want to take the clothing off because it doesn't "fit right". Looking in the mirror I can be feeling great until I get to my waist then just feel like shit. So I figure, surgery it is. But as I think about it, and detail what would happen I get scared. Maybe that just means it's a matter of time, I don't know. I am just as curious as I am bewildered about having sex with a vagina.... not to make that sound like I'm talking about a sex toy of some sort...
There is also something else to consider. The reason I feel better about my breasts is essentially my dysphoria about it has lessened. That has happened for most of my body, though there are spots that still bother me a fair bit, between my legs being one of them. At this point I don't know how much, I guess, my "overall dysphoria" will lessen.... if that's a thing. What I mean though is I may get to a time that I'm comfortable enough with my own body that I won't feel the need to get any surgery.
I guess right now top surgery is a bit of a coin toss, and bottom is leaning more toward yes. As scary as it is, as many complications as their may be, thinking of going all of my life without knowing what it is like to have female genitals, or of looking at the same thing that is there now for the rest of my life makes me somewhat depressed.
That is the exact same way I felt about transitioning in the first place, so I guess that says a lot.
It's probably the most delicate subject in the trans community, not to make assumptions. Mainly because for the non-transgender mind it seems to be their biggest curiosity, and for some transgender it is a topic of pain for many reasons, Not to mention it's our genitals, doncha think that's a little personal?
The fact that none of us can give anyone a straight answer, or the same one probably doesn't help. That is part of our point though, not to get side tracked, people are different.
So, to answer the question, "what do I think of surgery." I'll take two swipes.
First. I think it's something that should be covered by mcp, here in newfoundland and without all of the red tape. Face it, we are the ones leading our own health care. We each will, and are the only one capable to, tell you if we do or do not want surgeries. It seems to ultimately come down to this decision, "Will 'replacing' what I have make me feel better?" If that answer is "no" then I can't imagine someone getting surgery like that because they think they "might" feel a little better, and the side effects would be worth it.
Besides that, we have the care here. It would save so much grief simply by letting people do their jobs. The jobs they want to do, the jobs people are going to them for.
Anyway, I don't feel like I really know enough about that to say much more then opinion, so..
The second part, what do I think of surgery for myself? Like I said it's something I'm strongly considering but it's quite the decision to make, so let me elaborate.
There are several surgeries that are available that I don't think I'll be needing. facial feminization, trachea shave, there are a few that I can't even remember that I probably won't be doing. The reason why, for me, is I don't need them. More accurately, I don't feel I need them. The hormones seem to be doing a reasonable enough job with my face, and body in general. My voice simply isn't worth slicing bits of me away to solve a problem I can do with practice. The majority of the rest of the ones I have forgotten (I seem to be only able to find that list when I want to feel bad about how much money I need to spend) fall under one or two of those options. Either something doesn't need to be fixed or is fixing it's self right now, or just isn't worth doing and/or other options are better.
The infamous top and bottom surgery however. Top surgery I was all but adamant on getting done say, less then 2 months ago. Now I'm not sure. My breasts are developing... not bad. From what I understand, it can take several years before they are finished growing. If that is the case, maybe I'll wait those several years and see what happens naturally. Or maybe I'll have enough of squinting into the mirror before that time is up and get it done anyway.
Not to mention all of the other problems that come with any surgery. The actual idea of getting that done.... I haven't even broken a bone before, never mind getting surgery.
Hah, I actually laughed to myself when I thought of this, so I'll say it here. Surgery is only something I would have done to myself if I could have AT ALL made that possible considering some of the things I have done.
So yeah, the usually complications too...
Of course there is the issue of money. Not to pick a fight but top surgery isn't covered by mcp at all for a MtF transgender. So if I want to get this done, on my own is my only option.
As for bottom surgery.... bleh.
I hate thinking about it, honestly. Regardless it's in the distant future, so there's that. But the absolutely tug-of-war that is the decision to do this or not is just not one my brain feels like poking at most nights. The difference between top and bottom is my genitals can only be changed by surgery, waiting to see what happens won't change anything unlike top surgery. So that almost seems like a "well, whatcha waiting for?" but it's sharply countered by, "You're about to remove your penis... Hello??"
It is a feelings vs intellect though. I look down at myself, or in the mirror. Especially putting on underwear or certain pants I feel pretty disgusted. I almost want to take the clothing off because it doesn't "fit right". Looking in the mirror I can be feeling great until I get to my waist then just feel like shit. So I figure, surgery it is. But as I think about it, and detail what would happen I get scared. Maybe that just means it's a matter of time, I don't know. I am just as curious as I am bewildered about having sex with a vagina.... not to make that sound like I'm talking about a sex toy of some sort...
There is also something else to consider. The reason I feel better about my breasts is essentially my dysphoria about it has lessened. That has happened for most of my body, though there are spots that still bother me a fair bit, between my legs being one of them. At this point I don't know how much, I guess, my "overall dysphoria" will lessen.... if that's a thing. What I mean though is I may get to a time that I'm comfortable enough with my own body that I won't feel the need to get any surgery.
I guess right now top surgery is a bit of a coin toss, and bottom is leaning more toward yes. As scary as it is, as many complications as their may be, thinking of going all of my life without knowing what it is like to have female genitals, or of looking at the same thing that is there now for the rest of my life makes me somewhat depressed.
That is the exact same way I felt about transitioning in the first place, so I guess that says a lot.
Wednesday, 27 November 2013
CBC Radio Noon
A quick post to let everyone know I will be joining three other people speaking on CBC Radio Noon with John Furlong tomorrow, Thursday the 28th from 12:15 too 1:30. Come have a listen
Choosing Choice
Spending time with other people from the LGBT community last week has taught me a lot. The most important lesson I received is that even though I'm trans myself there is an awful lot about the community that I am as unaware it's even an issue as I am uninformed about it. There is actually so much, and I feel so unable to speak of them from lack of knowledge that I am not going to.
There was one conversation that I had over the week that flicked the light switch on, so to speak.
This is why, by the way, I need to be involved with the community more. This was one conversation, that really boils down to one sentence, that...well you'll see.
The trans-person I was talking to was telling me about a meeting she and others had with health care professionals. They were asked the inevitable question, "So this isn't a choice right?" The answer that was given is what I have been thinking about since. The person I was talking to answered back, "Well it can be, and that's ok too."
I can almost picture their faces.
This is something I absolutely believe, but honestly I'm not sure it's so intrinsic in me that I would have given the same answer. The person telling us this story told it almost as a joke more then the seriousness behind that statement, intentionally or not I'm not sure (we were at a bar), or maybe I didn't realize her seriousness through the laughter. This one statement though is it, this is all we, or anyone in the LGBT community needs people to understand.
It begs to strain on the reasoning, "Why can't it be a choice?" Imagine how freeing it would be if our society accepted people choosing to transition, or choosing being homosexual. As it stands, it seems a completely alien idea for a straight man to choose to be gay, or a cis woman choosing to transition to male. Why the hell would they do that?
Why the hell do you need to know?
For a society that wants 500 choices of doughnut I find it incredible that the majority can't allow people to choose anything, ANYTHING, they want. Instead, you can have your coffee in 37 different flavours but when it comes to sex and gender, you can check two of four boxes and they better match up with what everyone else thinks you should check.
A world where there are no genders, or all genders. Where having sex with another human being, male or female, or both is just the beautiful connection it is, and not some perverted "fantasy". Sounds impossible right? Well here's a list:
India
Pakistan
Nepal
Australia
New Zealand
Thailand
Oman
Polynesia
Indonesia
The Philippines
Kenya
These countries either have a special place for a third gender in their society, or have actual laws protecting their right to choose a third gender. Options on passports, census etc. and there are more countries I haven't listed.
For all of our technical, economical, and educational advances here in western society when it comes to individual freedom and expression we are very seriously lacking.
However the second our culture and media earnestly grasps on to freedom of expression our worlds in the LGBT community would change. When it becomes socially acceptable to make it a choice to be gay, or trans, or whatever, then where will the problems come from for those of us who it really isn't a choice for?
The "I have no choice" argument was a reasonable one when it started. It was pretty much the only way to get the masses off our backs, convince them it's akin to an illness and this is your treatment. It is true for many of us, I for one. I had a minor choice, transition or stay miserable. Waving this around though like our flag is hurting us in the long run. We don't need to squeeze out a little sympathy from society, we need to beat it over the head until it remembers we are supposed to believe in personal freedom for everyone.
I was going to stop there but I wanted to add a bit of an hypothesis, for lack of better words.
Even for me, with my saying I had no choice but to transition, I still had a choice. I could have gone on my life like I have the last 30 years. Now that choice would be suicidal depression, but it was a "choice" in the strictest sense. What I have chosen is happiness, and being true to myself. Something all of you out there wish you had the courage to do. I think when people see the public version of us trans they only see the happy side and have that ignorant idea of "you're so happy, you didn't need this." To re-use a simile, it's like months after you end a bad relationship and you are happy, it's hard to see the sadness that made you leave.
People who don't understand see someone like me and I think it hits them right in the jealousy. Freedom of expression isn't just our fight, it's everyone's fight. I, and many like me, are grabbing that right and telling everyone to go to hell with their judgments. It HAS to be intimidating. The majority of society all have their own personal expression they wish society would be ok with but they are choosing to conform. They look at us and see how confident many of us eventually end up being and their jealously/envy gets the better of them. They have to try and take away from us the one thing they want themselves.
Stop fighting us and join us. Personal freedom; freedom of sexuality, freedom of opinion, freedom of choice, freedom of gender, freedom of voice... freedom of thought. These are HUMAN rights and up to all of us to make sure they are rights held by ALL of us.
There was one conversation that I had over the week that flicked the light switch on, so to speak.
This is why, by the way, I need to be involved with the community more. This was one conversation, that really boils down to one sentence, that...well you'll see.
The trans-person I was talking to was telling me about a meeting she and others had with health care professionals. They were asked the inevitable question, "So this isn't a choice right?" The answer that was given is what I have been thinking about since. The person I was talking to answered back, "Well it can be, and that's ok too."
I can almost picture their faces.
This is something I absolutely believe, but honestly I'm not sure it's so intrinsic in me that I would have given the same answer. The person telling us this story told it almost as a joke more then the seriousness behind that statement, intentionally or not I'm not sure (we were at a bar), or maybe I didn't realize her seriousness through the laughter. This one statement though is it, this is all we, or anyone in the LGBT community needs people to understand.
It begs to strain on the reasoning, "Why can't it be a choice?" Imagine how freeing it would be if our society accepted people choosing to transition, or choosing being homosexual. As it stands, it seems a completely alien idea for a straight man to choose to be gay, or a cis woman choosing to transition to male. Why the hell would they do that?
Why the hell do you need to know?
For a society that wants 500 choices of doughnut I find it incredible that the majority can't allow people to choose anything, ANYTHING, they want. Instead, you can have your coffee in 37 different flavours but when it comes to sex and gender, you can check two of four boxes and they better match up with what everyone else thinks you should check.
A world where there are no genders, or all genders. Where having sex with another human being, male or female, or both is just the beautiful connection it is, and not some perverted "fantasy". Sounds impossible right? Well here's a list:
India
Pakistan
Nepal
Australia
New Zealand
Thailand
Oman
Polynesia
Indonesia
The Philippines
Kenya
These countries either have a special place for a third gender in their society, or have actual laws protecting their right to choose a third gender. Options on passports, census etc. and there are more countries I haven't listed.
For all of our technical, economical, and educational advances here in western society when it comes to individual freedom and expression we are very seriously lacking.
However the second our culture and media earnestly grasps on to freedom of expression our worlds in the LGBT community would change. When it becomes socially acceptable to make it a choice to be gay, or trans, or whatever, then where will the problems come from for those of us who it really isn't a choice for?
The "I have no choice" argument was a reasonable one when it started. It was pretty much the only way to get the masses off our backs, convince them it's akin to an illness and this is your treatment. It is true for many of us, I for one. I had a minor choice, transition or stay miserable. Waving this around though like our flag is hurting us in the long run. We don't need to squeeze out a little sympathy from society, we need to beat it over the head until it remembers we are supposed to believe in personal freedom for everyone.
I was going to stop there but I wanted to add a bit of an hypothesis, for lack of better words.
Even for me, with my saying I had no choice but to transition, I still had a choice. I could have gone on my life like I have the last 30 years. Now that choice would be suicidal depression, but it was a "choice" in the strictest sense. What I have chosen is happiness, and being true to myself. Something all of you out there wish you had the courage to do. I think when people see the public version of us trans they only see the happy side and have that ignorant idea of "you're so happy, you didn't need this." To re-use a simile, it's like months after you end a bad relationship and you are happy, it's hard to see the sadness that made you leave.
People who don't understand see someone like me and I think it hits them right in the jealousy. Freedom of expression isn't just our fight, it's everyone's fight. I, and many like me, are grabbing that right and telling everyone to go to hell with their judgments. It HAS to be intimidating. The majority of society all have their own personal expression they wish society would be ok with but they are choosing to conform. They look at us and see how confident many of us eventually end up being and their jealously/envy gets the better of them. They have to try and take away from us the one thing they want themselves.
Stop fighting us and join us. Personal freedom; freedom of sexuality, freedom of opinion, freedom of choice, freedom of gender, freedom of voice... freedom of thought. These are HUMAN rights and up to all of us to make sure they are rights held by ALL of us.
Monday, 25 November 2013
Castaway
I have the opposite problem this morning then I've been having the last while. I have so much on my mind, a lot of it blogable, that I'm not sure where to start or even if I can make this all coherent.
I've never forgotten how social I was as a kid, or teenage, did I ever like people. This may sound conceded but looking back I didn't feel like I had to try to be anyone's friend, or at least be liked by random students. Grade seven wasn't awesome for me but eight through high school I didn't have a lot of friends, but I was liked well enough by just about everyone.
More importantly though I loved being with the friends I had, the close ones. I spent every moment I could spending time with my friends. Sure they changed through the years, as do most people during those years, but I wanted to be around people more then just about anything else. Even when video games started coming into our lives, I'd always rather let my friends play and me watch. Let them have the fun and I had fun in that. Honestly I used to like watching them interact.
But then the reality of being transgender started to creep in and I, almost over night, became antisocial. It was an online game that led me away. My friends didn't seem to appreciate how into the game I was getting, but it wasn't entirely the game. Sure I can get sucked into a good game but I played this in my room alone. Why? Because the people playing with me, talking to me didn't know the 20ish boy going to university and seems to have everything moderately together. They knew an "elf" that had a very confused, but kind person behind it.
I started shutting out everyone in my life except those I was using to figure out who I was. That, of course, eventually led me to few friends, none actually. There have been several points in my life that the only people I talked to were co-workers and roommates. All of whom had separate lives from me, work or a house being the only things in common. After coming back from atlanta I didn't want to let anyone in that close again, ever.
I only ever approached people through girlfriends. I feel like I owe all of them an apology now. The reason they felt I got so close, the reason they felt so loved was because they were getting all of it I had, I wasn't sharing with anyone else. The reason I did get close was because I had to, almost every one of them came at a point that the lack of human connection was getting unbearable so I'd let someone in a little, and suddenly I'm in a relationship. I tell myself often that I tricked these people into liking me, but that's not entirely true, every emotion that came out was real, it was just half real. I was in a constant sword fight with my girlfriends and they never knew. Some of them certainly have the wounds though...
God fucking dammit that was brutal to say.
One of the large hopes, and astonishing real side effect of transitioning was that I'd become more social. I went from having three good friends (not including my partner) to several groups of friends, it's unreal. I've met so many new people over the last few months I know I won't be able to keep up with them all. Besides the hugging, and hand-shaking, and invites to places, and recognizing smiles reminding me how warm people can be. It has generated this new feeling in me. I've always felt outer space is actually where I'm from but now I feel like maybe I could be human after all.
It's like I've been stranded on an island for a long long time and I'm just now coming back to civilization. People sort of treat me like that too, and you know something? I like it, fuck it, I do. Before I felt like people would think of me like, "See that guy over there... Don't look! Jesus! He'll kill you.". Now it's more like, "You know, that's a woman over there who could really use some help." and they all do it so well. I don't know how the hell I got so lucky with the people I have met or re-met that every one of them seems to have a least a hint of that little bit of welcomed pity (something I would never have done before) but they wrap it up in such caring it makes me feel... warm. It makes me want to do something to give them one big collective hug.
Or a bunch of individual hugs, I could go for that too.
I've felt so attacked all my life it's like walking into a new world to have all of these people be so incredibly caring. And I believe them, that's the crazy part. Where the hell did that come from? I'm not very good at accepting help and that is a little of what I mean, but mostly I mean I actually believe their sincerity when they somehow express they care. Something I simply didn't have the peace of mind to allow to happen before. Not just peace of mind but self worth. I didn't think I was worthy of anyone's care before. Now, I don't think I'm really that much, at all, but I almost feel like I could be part of something now, and that's not bad, right? It's intimidating honestly, the caring attention, but it's quite invited I'm just left with nothing to say most times. I hope they all know how much it means to me.
I've never forgotten how social I was as a kid, or teenage, did I ever like people. This may sound conceded but looking back I didn't feel like I had to try to be anyone's friend, or at least be liked by random students. Grade seven wasn't awesome for me but eight through high school I didn't have a lot of friends, but I was liked well enough by just about everyone.
More importantly though I loved being with the friends I had, the close ones. I spent every moment I could spending time with my friends. Sure they changed through the years, as do most people during those years, but I wanted to be around people more then just about anything else. Even when video games started coming into our lives, I'd always rather let my friends play and me watch. Let them have the fun and I had fun in that. Honestly I used to like watching them interact.
But then the reality of being transgender started to creep in and I, almost over night, became antisocial. It was an online game that led me away. My friends didn't seem to appreciate how into the game I was getting, but it wasn't entirely the game. Sure I can get sucked into a good game but I played this in my room alone. Why? Because the people playing with me, talking to me didn't know the 20ish boy going to university and seems to have everything moderately together. They knew an "elf" that had a very confused, but kind person behind it.
I started shutting out everyone in my life except those I was using to figure out who I was. That, of course, eventually led me to few friends, none actually. There have been several points in my life that the only people I talked to were co-workers and roommates. All of whom had separate lives from me, work or a house being the only things in common. After coming back from atlanta I didn't want to let anyone in that close again, ever.
I only ever approached people through girlfriends. I feel like I owe all of them an apology now. The reason they felt I got so close, the reason they felt so loved was because they were getting all of it I had, I wasn't sharing with anyone else. The reason I did get close was because I had to, almost every one of them came at a point that the lack of human connection was getting unbearable so I'd let someone in a little, and suddenly I'm in a relationship. I tell myself often that I tricked these people into liking me, but that's not entirely true, every emotion that came out was real, it was just half real. I was in a constant sword fight with my girlfriends and they never knew. Some of them certainly have the wounds though...
God fucking dammit that was brutal to say.
One of the large hopes, and astonishing real side effect of transitioning was that I'd become more social. I went from having three good friends (not including my partner) to several groups of friends, it's unreal. I've met so many new people over the last few months I know I won't be able to keep up with them all. Besides the hugging, and hand-shaking, and invites to places, and recognizing smiles reminding me how warm people can be. It has generated this new feeling in me. I've always felt outer space is actually where I'm from but now I feel like maybe I could be human after all.
It's like I've been stranded on an island for a long long time and I'm just now coming back to civilization. People sort of treat me like that too, and you know something? I like it, fuck it, I do. Before I felt like people would think of me like, "See that guy over there... Don't look! Jesus! He'll kill you.". Now it's more like, "You know, that's a woman over there who could really use some help." and they all do it so well. I don't know how the hell I got so lucky with the people I have met or re-met that every one of them seems to have a least a hint of that little bit of welcomed pity (something I would never have done before) but they wrap it up in such caring it makes me feel... warm. It makes me want to do something to give them one big collective hug.
Or a bunch of individual hugs, I could go for that too.
I've felt so attacked all my life it's like walking into a new world to have all of these people be so incredibly caring. And I believe them, that's the crazy part. Where the hell did that come from? I'm not very good at accepting help and that is a little of what I mean, but mostly I mean I actually believe their sincerity when they somehow express they care. Something I simply didn't have the peace of mind to allow to happen before. Not just peace of mind but self worth. I didn't think I was worthy of anyone's care before. Now, I don't think I'm really that much, at all, but I almost feel like I could be part of something now, and that's not bad, right? It's intimidating honestly, the caring attention, but it's quite invited I'm just left with nothing to say most times. I hope they all know how much it means to me.
Sunday, 24 November 2013
Simulacrum
Well, what a packed week I had. I did go out Friday to see Red Durkin perform. She is hilarious, and she had herself "screeched in" after the show, lol.
The entire week was great, I missed a few things unfortunately but it all went well from what I hear. We are doing a good job here in Newfoundland promoting trans awareness. There are constant changes being done to discrimination laws as well, there was a debate thursday morning in the house of representatives to include gender identity in the NL human rights act. It is exciting to see these changes even trying to happen, we have come a long way since my teen years.
Ugh, I hate stating dry facts so back to my feelings...
As I mentioned I wanted to talk about my speech. Well, that's not exactly true. My speech kinda is what it is. The video is there, it went well enough as you can see. I did get a great response from the crowd afterward, I was approached by several people who were appreciative of or moved by what I said.
Watching the video of myself though, that was a new experience for me.
I always hated pictures and videos of myself. There is not a single picture of my male self that I like, the sound of my male self speaking like a male always sounded wrong to me. If I ever listened to my own recorded voice before I would quickly turn it off and possibly throw it across the room in disgust. Every picture I look "wrong", like there is something underneath that I was missing. Like a painting with a hidden picture in it I just can't see. There is one actually that I always liked. It was of me in grade eleven with my long hair, and I look more like a girl then a boy.
That was how I expected to react when I watched the video of myself. I figured I'd turn it on, watch about twelve seconds of it and turn it off. Instead what happened was I was riveted to the video and I was smiling pretty much the entire time. I found myself watching it and thinking "aww this is going to be over soon." like I wanted to see more of me. That is a totally foreign feeling to me. Everything seems to "fit". Even my voice slipping in and out of being where I like it doesn't throw me off while watching it because it still seems to fit in a strange sense. My movements, facial expressions, everything about that seems so right. Even the nervous clap I did at the end because no one realized I was done just looks cute to me. Normally something like that would embarrass the shit out of me.
I don't really know how to describe the powerful feeling underneath it all. Yes everything feels "right" but the feeling of feeling "right" is euphoric... and astonishing. It's like being adrift for years and seeing the tip of an island over the waves of the ocean. You're not quite sure how far away it is but there it is, safety, hope, comfort... home. It's where I belong, after all this time of floating aimlessly.
When I take the time to think about it, like I am right now, I can't help but giggle, and laugh, and cry, and relax. That woman in that video can't be me can she? Yes it can, and is.
I could never picture my male self. I don't know if I can stress that accurately enough. I could never, still can't, just summon up a mental image of my male self. I just literally can't picture that face. I can picture myself now on a whim. I can remember how I looked doing something, or I can even make up a situation and picture myself in it. I actually have a self image now, an identifiable one.
Ok, enough for now. This week has left me with a good bit to talk about but I'm going to stop here for now.
Back soon
The entire week was great, I missed a few things unfortunately but it all went well from what I hear. We are doing a good job here in Newfoundland promoting trans awareness. There are constant changes being done to discrimination laws as well, there was a debate thursday morning in the house of representatives to include gender identity in the NL human rights act. It is exciting to see these changes even trying to happen, we have come a long way since my teen years.
Ugh, I hate stating dry facts so back to my feelings...
As I mentioned I wanted to talk about my speech. Well, that's not exactly true. My speech kinda is what it is. The video is there, it went well enough as you can see. I did get a great response from the crowd afterward, I was approached by several people who were appreciative of or moved by what I said.
Watching the video of myself though, that was a new experience for me.
I always hated pictures and videos of myself. There is not a single picture of my male self that I like, the sound of my male self speaking like a male always sounded wrong to me. If I ever listened to my own recorded voice before I would quickly turn it off and possibly throw it across the room in disgust. Every picture I look "wrong", like there is something underneath that I was missing. Like a painting with a hidden picture in it I just can't see. There is one actually that I always liked. It was of me in grade eleven with my long hair, and I look more like a girl then a boy.
That was how I expected to react when I watched the video of myself. I figured I'd turn it on, watch about twelve seconds of it and turn it off. Instead what happened was I was riveted to the video and I was smiling pretty much the entire time. I found myself watching it and thinking "aww this is going to be over soon." like I wanted to see more of me. That is a totally foreign feeling to me. Everything seems to "fit". Even my voice slipping in and out of being where I like it doesn't throw me off while watching it because it still seems to fit in a strange sense. My movements, facial expressions, everything about that seems so right. Even the nervous clap I did at the end because no one realized I was done just looks cute to me. Normally something like that would embarrass the shit out of me.
I don't really know how to describe the powerful feeling underneath it all. Yes everything feels "right" but the feeling of feeling "right" is euphoric... and astonishing. It's like being adrift for years and seeing the tip of an island over the waves of the ocean. You're not quite sure how far away it is but there it is, safety, hope, comfort... home. It's where I belong, after all this time of floating aimlessly.
When I take the time to think about it, like I am right now, I can't help but giggle, and laugh, and cry, and relax. That woman in that video can't be me can she? Yes it can, and is.
I could never picture my male self. I don't know if I can stress that accurately enough. I could never, still can't, just summon up a mental image of my male self. I just literally can't picture that face. I can picture myself now on a whim. I can remember how I looked doing something, or I can even make up a situation and picture myself in it. I actually have a self image now, an identifiable one.
Ok, enough for now. This week has left me with a good bit to talk about but I'm going to stop here for now.
Back soon
Friday, 22 November 2013
Transgender Day of Remembrance Speech
I finally got this thing figured out so here it is! After fighting with this video for a bit to get it up I'm kinda not in the mood to write atm. So! I'll throw this up here now and be back later today or tomorrow for my thoughts. I may head out tonight for more of the events for this week, so we'll see.
If so I'll have more to write about :)
Also, my speaking voice is rather quiet right now so I'm a little difficult to hear in the video, sorry. The whole audio is not loud though, so if you turn it up there should't be any points that you puncture your eardrum.
Grr, I had to upload it to youtube, anyway, without further ado..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWeteNdnUas&feature=youtu.be
If so I'll have more to write about :)
Also, my speaking voice is rather quiet right now so I'm a little difficult to hear in the video, sorry. The whole audio is not loud though, so if you turn it up there should't be any points that you puncture your eardrum.
Grr, I had to upload it to youtube, anyway, without further ado..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWeteNdnUas&feature=youtu.be
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