Makeover

If you were able to listen to Crosstalk yesterday you would have heard me being ask what I thought about transgender related surgery. Honestly I know I can be wordy so I ended up saying as little as possible so I thought I'd give a more thorough answer here.

It's probably the most delicate subject in the trans community, not to make assumptions. Mainly because for the non-transgender mind it seems to be their biggest curiosity, and for some transgender it is a topic of pain for many reasons, Not to mention it's our genitals, doncha think that's a little personal?

The fact that none of us can give anyone a straight answer, or the same one probably doesn't help. That is part of our point though, not to get side tracked, people are different.

So, to answer the question, "what do I think of surgery." I'll take two swipes.

First. I think it's something that should be covered by mcp, here in newfoundland and without all of the red tape. Face it, we are the ones leading our own health care. We each will, and are the only one capable to, tell you if we do or do not want surgeries. It seems to ultimately come down to this decision, "Will 'replacing' what I have make me feel better?" If that answer is "no" then I can't imagine someone getting surgery like that because they think they "might" feel a little better, and the side effects would be worth it.

Besides that, we have the care here. It would save so much grief simply by letting people do their jobs. The jobs they want to do, the jobs people are going to them for.

Anyway, I don't feel like I really know enough about that to say much more then opinion, so..

The second part, what do I think of surgery for myself? Like I said it's something I'm strongly considering but it's quite the decision to make, so let me elaborate.

There are several surgeries that are available that I don't think I'll be needing. facial feminization, trachea shave, there are a few that I can't even remember that I probably won't be doing. The reason why, for me, is I don't need them. More accurately, I don't feel I need them. The hormones seem to be doing a reasonable enough job with my face, and body in general. My voice simply isn't worth slicing bits of me away to solve a problem I can do with practice. The majority of the rest of the ones I have forgotten (I seem to be only able to find that list when I want to feel bad about how much money I need to spend) fall under one or two of those options. Either something doesn't need to be fixed or is fixing it's self right now, or just isn't worth doing and/or other options are better.

The infamous top and bottom surgery however. Top surgery I was all but adamant on getting done say, less then 2 months ago. Now I'm not sure. My breasts are developing... not bad. From what I understand, it can take several years before they are finished growing. If that is the case, maybe I'll wait those several years and see what happens naturally. Or maybe I'll have enough of squinting into the mirror before that time is up and get it done anyway.

Not to mention all of the other problems that come with any surgery. The actual idea of getting that done.... I haven't even broken a bone before, never mind getting surgery.

Hah, I actually laughed to myself when I thought of this, so I'll say it here. Surgery is only something I would have done to myself if I could have AT ALL made that possible considering some of the things I have done.

So yeah, the usually complications too...

Of course there is the issue of money. Not to pick a fight but top surgery isn't covered by mcp at all for a MtF transgender. So if I want to get this done, on my own is my only option.

As for bottom surgery.... bleh.

I hate thinking about it, honestly. Regardless it's in the distant future, so there's that. But the absolutely tug-of-war that is the decision to do this or not is just not one my brain feels like poking at most nights. The difference between top and bottom is my genitals can only be changed by surgery, waiting to see what happens won't change anything unlike top surgery. So that almost seems like a "well, whatcha waiting for?" but it's sharply countered by, "You're about to remove your penis... Hello??"

It is a feelings vs intellect though. I look down at myself, or in the mirror. Especially putting on underwear or certain pants I feel pretty disgusted. I almost want to take the clothing off because it doesn't "fit right". Looking in the mirror I can be feeling great until I get to my waist then just feel like shit. So I figure, surgery it is. But as I think about it, and detail what would happen I get scared. Maybe that just means it's a matter of time, I don't know. I am just as curious as I am bewildered about having sex with a vagina.... not to make that sound like I'm talking about a sex toy of some sort...

There is also something else to consider. The reason I feel better about my breasts is essentially my dysphoria about it has lessened. That has happened for most of my body, though there are spots that still bother me a fair bit, between my legs being one of them. At this point I don't know how much, I guess, my "overall dysphoria" will lessen.... if that's a thing. What I mean though is I may get to a time that I'm comfortable enough with my own body that I won't feel the need to get any surgery.

I guess right now top surgery is a bit of a coin toss, and bottom is leaning more toward yes. As scary as it is, as many complications as their may be, thinking of going all of my life without knowing what it is like to have female genitals, or of looking at the same thing that is there now for the rest of my life makes me somewhat depressed.

That is the exact same way I felt about transitioning in the first place, so I guess that says a lot.