Humble Perspective

"Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have any in this BLOODY TOWN, I'll make you a deal. You provide the food, I'll provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947"
-Anton Ego "Ratatouille"

I write this post quite tentatively. It comes as a result of a few things. Firstly, but not most importantly, from trying to think of what to write, secondly I feel like maybe I have something worthwhile to say here. Let me set the table a little with an example.

The couple I'm staying with are fantastic, I really haven't met a more kind couple of individuals. They are a cute couple also, together I mean, and treat each other well. Besides that they both have great jobs, one a scientist waiting for a job and the other with a job that allows her to travel and meet interesting people. They both get paid at least moderately well, they own a house that I'm living in with them. They have great friends most of which will go out of their way to spend time with or help them both. I really could go on about how good they are, and things seem to be for them, I have nothing bad to say about them, whatsoever.

One day I got a text message from the woman asking me to talk to her significant other because they just got into a "fight" and she had to go to work before it was resolved to her emotional liking. I try to make it a point to not get involved in other peoples relationships but I did, a small amount, because I was asked. My talk with him didn't last long, and I didn't mean for it to. Now don't get me wrong, they are wonderful, like the picture I hope I just painted of them, but sometimes stress gets to people, and even great couples take it out on each other.

The main thing I want to get at here is my response to her afterward. I gave her my small explanation of what I felt was at the root of the problem. When I was done I said to her, "Next time you two are having a hard time, take a look at me a get some perspective.".

It was when thinking of what I was going to say to her and coming up with the idea of them getting some perspective from me and my situation that I felt I may actually have a real point. It's easy to lose sight of what's important when you are surrounded by it. That seems to be an unfortunate side effect of being human. Something I have learned through this ongoing purge I have come face to face with.

Her reaction to what I said was something like "Oh honey, *hugs*." I'm not sure how much she took into consideration but she seemed to understand what I was trying to say. They both can clearly see where I am in life right now, since I live with them. They know when I say I have "nothing" I am all but 100% literal. Materialistically, the only thing in my possession that was not given to me, or bought for me is my computer. That I bought several years ago before meeting my now ex-partner.

Emotionally they are able to see some. They know of my lost partner, it is the reason I'm here with them. They can see I have few friends, I very rarely go out, and never have I had someone come over. They can't see the turmoil of being between genders, of trying so damn hard to express who I really am only to have it shut down by my own body, or my own confusion over who I am. They probably can't really see how I have no idea who I am, where I come from or where I am going and how that plagues me daily. They've heard me speak of, but don't really comprehend the idea and feeling of loss time, or lack of meaningful accomplishment.

So I thought I'd make a little list for people of things we take for granted. The majority of this will be for both cis and trans people alike.

Having a past. Most people don't consider what it's like to not have memories to reflect on, some people probably wish some of them away, the bad memories. Before I started my transition I would reflect on my past and think of both good and bad memories and I'd wish some of them away. What it did though was give me a map of who I was and how I got to where I am. Now as I reflect it seems like I'm remembering someone else's memories, they don't belong to me. They are memories of a person that doesn't exist, that never really did exist, they are shadow memories. Some of my most powerful memories are the ones I've made over the last half dozen months or so, like the memory of putting up the tree with my partner and kiddo. People should cherish their memories, and especially the emotions they conjure. Don't forget they are the stepping stones of how you came to where you are now, they are the foundation on top of which you've built the most current "you". Your feelings toward them are basically screaming at you to give you direction in life.

The kindness of others. This is something I tried hard to feel appreciative of, but have failed at miserably. I did appreciate what people have done for me before but now that I'm getting kindness from people while needing it the most I truly have come to terms with how wonderful it is. Never forget that people don't have to help you, most people have just as many problems as you do. Most people could use the same amount of kindness they are giving you. Show them, somehow. I'd say how but this is the main reason I've failed so fantastically.

Knowing who you are. I say this rather cautiously. I have a personal belief that people live totally in their own illusions, myself included. However, there is something I am missing now that I'm transitioning that I thought I had before. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, with anyone. I guess really I've always felt that way it has just become brilliantly into the light now. Most people define themselves some how, some by their jobs, some by a sport or hobby they have or are involved in, whichever. Don't let that become mundane to yourself. Having some sense of "I am 'this'." does wonders to your emotional and mental well being that not everyone has.

The ability to be your own individual. We have this in gargantuan amounts here in western society, take advantage of where you live. (I'm assuming I only have N.A. readers here I guess) As I've mentioned I haven't been able to do so for too long and I feel the effect all too powerfully. Seize who you are or who you want to be and don't be afraid to show it. This is something I learned by gaining it rather then losing it, I am doing exactly this, I've just been stopped for a while, or at least slowed to almost stopped. Everyone is different, don't forget that that is exactly what makes us all the same, it makes us human. Make it a point to learn who you are, according to you. No one can tell you that other then yourself. If we could all truly embrace our differences we could accomplish anything as a species.

The community you live in. I have never considered myself part of the community I live in, and still barely do. That being said, if not for my community I would not be where I am. There is the trans community that I have started to get to know, I have been to a few personal parties that involve them, but also a few events. Events that were started just to help each other. Besides the trans community I've also gotten aid from social workers, therapists and doctors, all of which stem from my community and what it has decided is necessary to have in place. There is so much out there, for so many different kinds of people. I've started to volunteer to try and be a part of it. I've offered aid to my doctor, and a support group for sexual health. Remember these people are out there and remember they are there to help you and everyone else in the community you live in.

Downtime. Something I've had a lot of lately. I find too many people think they need to be doing something all the time and only rest when they have to. If you are waiting until you're exhausted before you take a breather then you are doing it wrong. Do yourself the favor of telling everything in your life that you need to set time away for yourself. Remember, many of the things society calls important are not really that important.

Friends, family, loved ones. It is so easy to overlook the impact these people have in our lives because they are always there. Without them, who would we be? Much can be learned about yourself by stepping back and looking at the people you hold close. These people encourage us, give us a shoulder to lean on, help us relax, get excited with us, feel sad with us, help us get things done, these people are the most important of all things in our lives. You can have a great job, lots of money, cars, houses, anything but it is all worthless without the people in your life to experience them with.

Your mental health. This is something that those without mental health issues, I feel, easily take for granted. Not everyone goes through a day worried about nothing worse then their work or bills. Some of us are being attacked by our own minds. As I've said before, unless you've experienced it, you have nothing to compare it too. If you have always had good mental health, or have achieved it through whatever means, cherish it. It is the most dear thing one can possess, without it life becomes a constant battle with no sides, no winner or loser, just angst and terror.

The food you eat. This may come off as funny, and you may think it's only on this list because I enjoy cooking so much. There have been a few periods in my life where I could not afford food, or much at all. I have lived on onion soup because onions and water were all I could afford. The saying "you are what you eat" is incredibly true. I started to embrace it several years back and I have to say, without much gloating, it shows. I eat an unbelievable amount, but it is good, healthy food, and I am not overweight at all, nor am I underweight. I rarely get sick, to the point that a house full of sick people will not effect me. Be conscious of what you are putting into your body, next to your mental health, your physical health is the most important thing you can develop in yourself. It is something everyone has the power to do, and few choose to do it. Learn how to cook, learn how to take raw, unprocessed food and turn them into something delicious. I would choose onion soup again over the processed crap that money-making companies want to present to us.

Your sexuality. The world we live in, or the species we are, all but forbids us to express our sexuality, and feel comfortable with it. Western society tries as much as it can to dissuade the young to explore their sexuality. One of the main things that scares people about us trans is our sexuality. I find many trans are not afraid of their sexuality at all. Many of us have been forced to explore it on a level others never, or rarely do. Why are people so uptight about it? It is something we all do, something we all enjoy. There is as many different sexual preferences are there are people. Don't let your sexuality get away from you, don't let your wanting to explore it make you feel like less of a human being. Exploring your sexuality is something none of us should feel uneasy doing, and neither should we be worried about expressing it.

Your own body. Last but not least. I just mentioned how important your physical health is, but besides that, learn to love your own body. Horrible self image is rampant in our society.You can blame an incredible amount of sources that want nothing good to happen to you as long as you are giving them money. Ultimately the choice is yours. Embrace your body, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Hand in hand with embracing your body, take charge of it. Don't sit around complaining you are fat, or too thin, or not strong enough or whatever. Human beings have a near freakish ability to change our physical self, see the self you want and grasp it. Don't let complacency destroy your body. Don't let the idea that your body is nothing more then a vessel take precedence over your body being your temple. Worship it, love it, make it a place of comfort. It is after all, where you have to live your entire life.

I feel like there are few things in life as important as these things I have written about today. Like I said, I also feel like most people ignore them, or easily forget them because life is too hectic. No one makes life hectic more then yourself. Also, society has all but put a stigma on making people feel like these things should not be what's on our minds, what we would give up anything for. What is the point of living "large" when you have forgotten the basics? Stop for a moment and take a look around. Don't be afraid to admit you have forgotten about any or all of these things and do something about it. Maybe you have a child you should spend more time with. Maybe you have a friend you call whenever you need something that you should call to just say hello. Maybe you were depressed five years ago, and are not now, and you can recognize that and hold it close. Don't let things that are important in your life become forgotten about for no other reason then you have had them for so long.

Trust me, you could lose it in a flash.

High Ho

So, as I said in my last post, I've started to work again, finally. It took me way too long to get a job, and not having one was really having a detrimental effect on me. Many of the negative feelings I've been having over the last few months have come from not having the freedom that having a job and money gives you. Personally, I find it difficult to feel like an individual when I need to go to someone else and basically ask permission to be able to do anything by having to ask them for money, or to pay for something for me. Even worse when that something is completely not for the person I'm asking. For example, I've been terrified I wouldn't get a job before my make-up ran out. Also, every time I've gone grocery shopping with my roommates I've felt like a child asking mom to get something for me when asking my roommates to pick up something they wouldn't normally pick up. It's a hard way to live, standing in the grocery store crying because you feel like you're a burden on every single person in your life. For some reason I doubt I'll never be in this position again, but there is little else I can think of that I don't want in my life anymore, or ever again.

That being said, here I am now only a week in to my new job and it's slowly starting to have the desired effect on me. I've needed a job for and unbelievable amount of reasons. Money, yes, but not just money to have money. It's the freedom that comes with it. Soon enough (assuming something drastic doesn't happen) I will be able to live as my own person. This is something I have never done, don't forget. Never mind I've had jobs and money to go with it in the past, that actually doesn't count. Rebecca, *I*, have never had money. *I* have never been able to live as I have wanted to. Even simply getting up in the morning and deciding I want to go to the mall that day and buy something, be it a game, or clothes, or make-up, dinner, hell even a cup of tea isn't something I've felt, or been able to do, comfortably. This part of having a job is something I can somewhat foresee, and I'm incredibly excited for, but there is more.

Probably the most immediate effect it is having is being around people. More specifically, people who don't know my past. This is something else I've been looking forward too, another reason I needed a job. I've never had a job before where people treat me like I'm female. I was so nervous on my first day, just waiting for someone to "out" me to the rest of the staff. That someone most likely being me. I've caught myself several times talking a little low for a girl but thankfully it's a bit noisy in the kitchen so I think people barely notice. 

What has happened instead I have few words to describe the feeling. It truly dawned on me today while at work. Without getting into the inner workings of a kitchen too much, usually everyone has a "station" they are taking care of. If something gets ordered that's made on your station then it's usually up to you to do it. Now, that's particularly set in place for when it's busy, otherwise it would be total madness, so when it's slow, it tends to be somewhat flexible. This time, when what I'm talking about happened, it was slow. I was away from my station doing some prep work and heard an order come in. I finished doing what was in my hand and looked over to see I had something up on my station and the kitchen manager had it started already. I went to him, watched for a smidge and asked, "Do you have this, or will I take over?" to which I received a "Yep, I got this Ma'am." I just said, "okie doke" (apparently my new catchphrase) and walked away, over to my prep. I was there for about, I dunno, a minute and thought...

Hey wait a sec.... "Ma'am"?

It was then I really started to comprehend how many times I've been referred to as girl, ma'am, missus, darling, sweetie, etc. etc. I'm being treated like a woman, not even like a girl, but a woman. The feeling that created is difficult to explain. I smiled, of course, and felt good. It was almost like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm not hiding any more and on top of that I don't need to be afraid of not hiding. At least, that's how it feels. I think this is another feeling I can't explain to any cis-gender readers I may have. Something I've been hiding away from everyone for years, something core about being *me*, is now just out in the open for friends, family, and strangers to see. All of the fear that comes with that is, dear I say, unnecessary. I can hardly fathom it.

Besides the pronouns and cute names, people treat me differently then before. Let me put an end to any sort of debate right now, men and women get treated differently in the work place, absolutely. I've experienced both, and there is no debate to be had, especially by men. Men do things for me I'm perfectly capable of doing myself. I can simply ask where something is, and instead of being told where it is (which I'd prefer, actually, then I can find it myself next time) someone will get it for me. I've yet to change a garbage bin, or even need to try to lift something heavy. Today, for example, I looked at a large pot of water and thought, "nope, can't lift that." I just said to a guy next to me that I don't think I can lift his pot of water and he did it for me, no questions. I'm given the "right of way" almost every time I cross paths with a man, and almost always with an "excuse me." or "sorry". I'm on the receiving end of unsolicited kindness quite often as well. People doing parts of my job "just cause" when before there was no chance because "whatever"

The way women treat me is different too. There's an older lady that I can't say talks down to me, but she does talk to me like I don't quite know what's going on, with a little too much praise. Besides that though, she treats me just like a human being. The younger girls are... funny from my perspective. They are all so much more interested in talking to me, so much less sexually threatened it's obvious. Honestly, the kitchen staff is mostly male, so I have little comparison as of right now with females.

Another thing I thought cute was when I was done my shift I went to the bar to wait for my ride. I was just drinking some water and a guy sitting half close came over to get a toothpick from a bunch of them sitting near by. He by no means crossed in my way, in fact if he didn't say anything I probably wouldn't have even noticed he was there, but yet he said " excuse me". Something else that struck me as slightly different treatment.

These are feelings and treatments that a year ago I never would have thought would happen to me. It didn't matter how much I wanted them, I thought people would never see who I really was, never treat me how I felt I should be treated. The descriptive words totally escape me, probably mostly because the reality of being treated this way hasn't completely sunk in yet. I see it all happening now, but it really hasn't dawned on me yet. The reason for that is because it seems too good to be true, I think. How is this happening now, after all this time? After spending my life afraid, defensive and angry, I can now be cute, and relaxed, it's surreal.

Starting Over

So here I am again. I'd apologize for taking so much time off, but I'm about to explain it. I don't want to get into any detail out of respect but what has finally happened is I no longer have the family I once had. Myself and my partner have parted ways. I always worried, and often talked about this happening, but I never thought it would, never.

I guess for my first post back in a while I'll talk about what changes and results have happened from this.

Probably the biggest impact has been my depression and general mood. I've certainly become more depressed, I think I've had one happy day since. I had a hard time making myself believe I could be meaningful to someone when I had a family, now I'm almost certain I won't be to anyone. Who will find me attractive? Cis men will almost certainly not be interested once they know what's between my legs. Cis women are unlikely to even be attracted to me in the first place. Cis gay men and lesbians would most likely become uninterested for the inverse reasons. I can say from my own feelings that a trans man or woman isn't looking for someone like myself either, some would be, perhaps. That doesn't leave many "fish in my sea". I know there are plenty of people out there that are attracted to trans-women, but it's almost always on a fetish level. Which brings me to another point, who wants to start a relationship with someone who they can't start a family with, especially at my age?

I actually find myself combating these feelings by thinking "Ok, that just means I need to come to terms with being alone for the rest of my life.". That thought helps until it starts to sink in how utterly depressing that is in and of its self.

I am all but surrounded by friends now. I live with one of the "League" I wrote about before and his partner, and they have people around often. I also go out more with people from the trans community, and have been invited to go out with co-workers (another post I'll get to, I just started) but haven't from lack of time and money. You would think this would be great, and at the start of my break-up it was exactly what I needed, especially my new roommates. Now that I've been here a while, and made a few appearances at trans related parties and gatherings I'm starting to see my place again. The trans community here is very young, and it makes me feel awkward (a feeling I'm not super used to) while I'm around them. Thirty-five isn't old by any means, but when I'm the oldest one at a party, and I'm obviously there just to connect to someone, anyone, it makes me feel creepy. These people understand what I'm going through, but I'm too old to have much of a connection. They are involved in plenty of things that my age makes me either not allowed, or painfully inappropriate. And really, what does a thirty-five year old cook have in common with twenty-something year old university students?

My cis friends are great people, but none of them are even close to the emotional turmoil I am in. I feel much like a separate entity then the rest of them, and they have no idea what I'm going through. I often get the "Welcome to being a woman." type answers from them that are painfully ignorant and it makes me see how alone I am, even when surrounded by them. I've gotten answers like "I know what you're going through, I used to live with a lesbian." from best friends. Maybe, former best friends that I'm working on building, is more accurate. Either way, I can't sit down with one of them, people my age, and really let it all out and get understood rather then condescended on. Hell, I can't even tell them the good changes that happen and get any more then a "uhm, that's mundane" sort of attitude back. They don't understand enough to know that my soft skin, or losing muscle mass makes me feel like a million bucks. To them it's just "ok, neat." No one to get excited with me for the little accomplishments, and little accomplishments are all I have.

Something else that kills me is how much I'm relying on other people. I just got a job, I've had three shifts, so I haven't received a paycheck yet. Since leaving my family I've had no money so my roommates have been doing everything for me. I eat their food, I use their shower and grooming supplies, I'm sleeping in a bed belonging to them, I'm typing on a computer desk they own and my clothes are being kept in a dresser of theirs. I don't feel like my own individual at all, I feel like a parasite.

One good thing that has come of this is I am presenting my real gender all the time now, always. I make it a point to wake up and get a shower before my roommates wake up every day. I'm out and putting on my make up before they are out of bed most days. and the few times they woke up before I expected them to, or that I slept in more then I wanted to, I run by them to my room and don't come out until I'm looking presentable. Most times with my shirt or hands covering my face. It's a fair bit of effort, and there are days I curse the fact that I even have to do this, but in the long run it has been good for me.

What this has all done, losing my family, seeing how I really don't seem to fit in with the friends I have and being unbelievably poor, is it has given me a totally new perspective on life. Things I seen as problems before, huge issues, are so ridiculous to me now I don't know why I used to spend energy thinking about them. So many of the problems people talk about just come across as petty to me, I guess they aren't to them. It is hard for me, however, to take their complaints about work, or friends or not being able to buy something in a certain color when I just lost my family, I'm poor and with no one to talk to while going through probably one of the biggest emotional and physical challenges a human can go through, all with no solution in sight.

Not to mention being as suicidal as I have ever been in my life.

I don't know how I managed to make it through the last month without killing myself, but I have so far. I've heard over and over again how transitioning is very hard, but ultimately worth it. All I'm hoping for is I'm going through the very hard now, and the worth it will eventually come. Though my patience is wearing thin while I wait for something good to happen.

The Alpha And The Omega

I don't really have much to say here today other then I don't have much to say. January has become a month of change, some good, some bad, some on purpose, some not at all. It's the reason I haven't been keeping up and the reason I'm considering stopping this blog.

My running theme seems to also fit here. I can't say I won't be back, but I have no idea if or when that will be.

I still have a lot to say, so maybe in the future I'll sit down and say them but right now I need to stand up and do something.

Take care of yourselves everyone
Rebecca

Natural Disaster

I'm having a deeply introspective day today, so be prepared.

Well, I started the year off with this blog as I hoped, but then mother nature decided differently. For those who don't know, we just had a storm and cold weather here that caused blackouts and a province wide loss of power for several days. So writing in this blog sorta had to wait, heh.

But speaking of which, mother nature is who most of this post is going to be about, what her little storm made me feel and what the bitch decided to do with me to begin with.

It was a somewhat serious situation. In this house in particular we spent a good few hours with no power. We were in no real danger or anything. We had food, water and heat mostly figured out, though the car and driveway were literally buried in snow, and half the door.

Anyway, I sorta enjoyed the "roughing it" that we were forced to do, it was a few days in when I went to shave that my mind started thinking. I need to stop my self from thinking like this, but I sorta can't help it. I couldn't help but realize how screwed I would be if things suddenly went to hell. Really it's an even more delicate balance then that, it wouldn't take an armageddon for my medication to suddenly not be available, there are plenty of ways.

What it got me feeling though is one of the feelings that are deeply emotionally, exclusively, trans related and they are part of the pain we carry around with us. I've touched on a few of them before, but I'll try and make a sort of list this time. I'm sure I'll forget some.

My body isn't my own. What occurred to me when shaving during snowpocalpyse was how much of "this" (I was looking in the mirror) is completely reliant on things that are not my "natural" me. How to explain this? I've tried to others before and have gotten the annoying "oh all women are... blah blah" crap.

I don't feel a kind of dirty that no shower will ever clean off because when my mascara runs out my eyelashes won't look beautiful. I feel that way because if I didn't have many of the things I have available now I would look like a man. My emotions and day to day life would change back just as obviously as my body, and coincide. There is possibly a time where many of those things become unnecessary, but a few of them will be around forever and it will take a lot of time, and a whole lot of money.

I'm not sure if that, or how I would, convey how emotionally deflating that feels. I have a few more things like this that are not trans related, well mostly my eyes I guess. It bothers me from time to time that I'm colorblind and I need glasses, but I'm not thinking of getting surgery for that, and really, who cares?

There's something about this gender expression though that if it's not happening the way I (we?) feel it should, man do I get upset. I can't imagine anything else making me feel like I'm not me like this does.

I have no womb. I have mentioned this before. I can't really speak to how a FtM feels about this, but for myself, and I have heard other MtF say the same, it's not just that I can't have kids anymore. That wouldn't have bothered me before my transition. The reason it didn't bother me then is probably the same reason it does now and it is because I don't have a womb. Not only can I not have kids, but I can't, and never could have them like a woman, and I WANT to , I always have. That is something I certainly can't express. Please, someone explain to me how to describe the desire to use a part of "your" body that you don't even have and the utter negation of ability and hope the moment reality creeps in.

I can't *be* a woman, let me explain that before someone jumps down my throat. Of course, I'm as womanly, as feminine as I decide to be, just like everyone else does and should have the right to do. I'm a woman, and deserve, no, demand to be treated as such.

However...

I can't have a child of my own, I can't give birth to one, I can't have sex and get pregnant, I can't be pregnant, I can never experience that, and again, I want to and always have.

Lost time. This one usually hits me hard when I let it hit me. It's one of the things I envy about the young trans people I have met. How I wish I could have experienced my younger life as a happier female rather then how I did. It's rare for someone to know they are trans before puberty from my understanding so I imagine even these younger people I've met also wish they could have experienced being little boys and girls the way they would have wanted.

What a waste my life feels like to me. I had such a good home, and many opportunities and good experiences... oh but to have spent them as a girl. I would have loved to have been asked to the prom rather then done the asking. I could have hung around with "the girls" more in school, spent time doing whatever it is high school girls did back then.

To have some young kid try to feel me up in the back of his dad's car...

So many experiences that many of us hold dear that I'll never have, the possibility is simply gone. The possibility was never there.

I've thought of a handful of other things, but they rest within these three things I've mentioned. I have had being transgender described to me as "nature's worse curse" and I'm pretty sure I've said that here before. Let me try to explain some though, and try not to be insensitive while I'm at it.

Honestly when I first heard that I immediately thought "well how about all those people born with autism, or without limbs, etc?" That's a pretty unfriendly "curse" to have. What made me understand this "worse curse" description a little better was the "curse" part of it because that's really such an accurate term.

The thing that makes this most difficult is the subtly of it. There was no doctor informing my parents they just had a transgender child. There was no psychologist working with me at a young age to determine if I'm transgender or going through a hard childhood phase. There is no help. In fact, there is nothing but hindrance. This curse starts off lightly but builds momentum as you get older while at the same time staying it's subtle, relentless self. Not only has it effected every portion of my life, but it has robbed me of a past I long to have and has made my future shaky at best. I had no idea all of this was going to happen to me until it happened, and when it happened I had no idea what it meant.

That's not a fair curse.

I must admit, I feel very pitiful when I think about this and let in all of the details that can only be conjured by the mind experiencing them. It all seems like such a fantasy story but it isn't. When I occasionally place "me" where I belong in history it feels like something I should have read in a book, until I remember it's not a book, it's me, Rebecca. These are the days (like I'm feeling today will be) that I feel inadequate. Inadequate to do what, exactly? Be human.

These are the days you see me, and I'd imagine other TG's, being very quiet. For me, it's giving my mind the space and time it needs to do it's constant war, keep going or give up. The happier days, even my angrier days are better then these. Those only happen when my mind is having a ceasefire. Though, to be honest my frustration over myself has a tendency to lead to angry lashes.

This all makes me wonder of my place in the world. I don't feel like it's being around people, it seems like the more I'm around people the more I show myself how much of a shade of a human I am. I've been alone for so long I'm the only one in my world. I talk to myself more then I talk to anyone else. Of course this effects the people I'm around, and more often then not I'm left feeling people would be better off without me, and frankly I have no reason to believe otherwise.

People talk to me about the bravery and strength I must have. Honestly their compliment feel like insults to me. Brave? Ha! Strong? lol! You have no idea, how scared and weak I am. Go inside my head on days like this and come back out, trust me you'll see nothing but a scared, confused, broken, and lost "person" who is so unsure of themselves they feel like person should be in quotation marks.

Fuck it, I'm done today.

Emotional Banquet

So now that christmas is over with for another year we can finally stop talking about it, however, I am going to force you to sit through one more talk about christmas. I kinda figure if you aren't sick of it by now you won't be. So anyway...

Boxing day is the big day for my family. Well it's the biggest day during christmas for my parents and myself, I'm not really sure how everyone else feels about it. When we were younger it was usually the entire family, but as we got older, people started going separate ways, and the gathering ended up being less then before for a few years here and there.

This year we were packed, just about the entire family was there, though a few couldn't make it. I was nervous as fuck, particularly before everyone was there. It was going to be the first time I was around them all while presenting female, and the first time at all for some of them.

I have come to the conclusion I am the luckiest miserable trans-woman on the planet. My family seemed to accept me with no trouble what-so-ever. The first relative to come did so when we thought it was my mother coming back with my brother. Instead it was my cousin. I was genuinely caught off guard when I seen her in the porch and heard her "hello!"

I have to say, it almost seemed like she was a little shocked, or maybe a little extra excited to see me. She exclaimed something and quickly came to me for a hug. I was a little taken back, which I'll explain a little more in a sec, but partially because I was just surprised that it was her and not my mother.

I'm glad it worked out like it did though, and I'm glad it was her first. I started to relax almost right after her hug. I started to feel something, and it was so apparent on my face that my partner pointed it out, but what I was feeling was actually being a part of the family. So often in the past the men/boys in the family were the only ones that approached me much, but god I had nothing to talk about so the conversations were rarely long. Besides, I was probably on my way to the computer to get away and just got caught by someone. This time I ended up sitting in with the family chatting with one of the groups of mostly women. I think that was pretty much the first time that happened.

There were a few "funny to me" moments. All the women in the family easily gave me hugs, the men were awkward as hell, lol. Oh men, so scared of their sexuality. But I had to navigate quite a few hesitant hand-shake, hug crosses and you could see the puzzle going through their head.

Oh god, does it make me sadistic that I enjoyed that? lmao

All in all I interacted with everyone far more then I ever would have. I'd say if you add up my word count that day it would be equal to the last 20 years. I had that "I'm here" feeling a few times as well. A couple of times I had to go to the bathroom to collect myself just from the emotion going on. Remember how I said having these feelings in familiar situations makes them more acute? It was exactly that. There were so many things that happened or situations I noticed that I know with total certainty that I didn't feel like this all of those other times. That was one of the main reasons I was so emotional, and it's something that makes me emotional whenever I think about it. The times I catch myself feeling calm, in control of my feelings, and happy on top of that it reminds me of how, all the time before, I didn't feel like that. Every time before I was feeling scared, confronted, confused, such inner turmoil I couldn't really feel the people around me.

So why was I taken back by the hug? What really caught me was her enthusiasm in seeing me, well she seemed so. I was always the outcast of the family, or at least that was how I always felt. To have one of them practically "squee" at seeing me was not something I was expecting. She is the sweetheart of the family though, so understandable.

It sort of set the precedent for the rest of the day. There were no questions or transition specific talks, and that had me feeling like I said it does. It's a bit of a reminder of how my uncle was treated. That being said though, I wasn't shunned by anyone, and everyone made a point to say hello, that wasn't always the case.

That day, all in all, ended up being a strong contrast to the feelings I was having monday morning, the loss for myself. In this situation, with my family on boxing day, it was made obvious to me the total 180 I have done from who I was before. I was there, I mean really there. I wasn't thinking about a hundred different things all making me feel depressed and detached from my own family right in front of me. I was feeling the feelings for what was happening at the time.

There is one moment in particular that sticks with me. I hope I don't make people paranoid by letting them know how minor of details I notice. Anyway, the moment was after supper was over. A few people had gotten up from which ever of the three tables they were sitting at and the rest of us were sitting there, chatting and sipping drinks. This happens just about every year, of course, and every year I was one of the few getting up, I was getting up to leave though, not help with dishes. This was the first year I stayed and talked. I don't remember what we were talking about and it's not important, what's important is I/we were talking. What really got me was when one of my cousins made it a point to get up from where she was and sit next to me. Never has that happened, never never never. It was around then when the feeling of being part of the family started to creep up and get noticed by me. I had to stop talking and just listen because the emotions were running so high.

I guess people are still used to me being fairly quite, and maybe now they understand why. I'm still quite at times, of course, being reflective is part of my nature now. The few times I stopped talking and just watched, I didn't feel like it was because it was the best thing for me to do. Some of the time it was me thinking about how much better this is then before, the rest of the time was watching my family interact, the constant observer I am. It created a new feeling in me, a feeling of belonging. A feeling like I'm watching the people I care about just be their beautiful selves.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Since I've spoken about them before, I guess this is a little bit of an update.

I've gotten in contact with many of my high school friends and actually found that a lot of them still make it a point to hang out every sunday. So, I've been joining them every sunday for the last month or so.

It has been... no big deal. It's totally crazy honestly. Not to pick on my friends but boy, are they ever traditional. I'm not sure if their political views are also conservative, I would think not for most of them, but they are typical middle class people. Now, I know these are assumptions, myself being the best example, but there isn't a single LGBT among them, those in relationships are all male-female. Their sexual experience seems... minimal, again not to make assumption, but the handful of sexual innuendo that has come about like it does with a group of friends their, shall we say 'conservative' approach to it is a little obvious.

So, all of that in mind, they have let me back into their lives like I was gone a week, rather then sixteen years, and nothing has changed, rather then the fact I'm transgender. Were we meet every sunday is in another city and I have yet to worry about rides because of them (I don't drive). I've been offered help in the form of rides to places, and someone to talk to. They all treat me like they always have, and new comers to the "gang", like partners and what not, are all following their lead, every one of them being a good friend in the making, it's absolutely surreal.

None of them realize how foreign this all is too me. Hand in hand with that is my not realizing I have been missing it. These people are all but the polar opposites of the sort of people I've been around, and there is simply no comparison to the points in my life that I was completely alone. I feel like a caged, mistreated animal being let out by a saviour instead of the cruel master I've always had. I'm slowly stepping into their world cautiously watching every move we all make.

If myself and either single one of them gets back to that super comfortable that teen friends have, and I fill them in on this part of my past, I'm sure I'll shock them, positive even. I've lived in the part of society that these people and most like them have only heard of on tv.

That actually has little to do with what I'm here to talk about today, but it may help to know so you can understand where I'm coming from about the rest.

The sunday before christmas we got together again, this time though more of our old friends were in town visiting family for christmas, and visiting the rest of us was part of their plan. It ended up feeling like we just took a slice of our teenage past and inserted it into our lives now, all of us talking and carrying on. The playful insults this group has ALWAYS done, two people arguing over something not serious, a slightly larger group all doing the same thing together, talking and having fun. I have no idea how I managed to get out of there that night with my emotions still intact.

I didn't, however, keep them intact the next morning. I started to get emotional when I got home but it was late and I went to sleep. When I woke up it was the first thing on my mind. I guess I should be careful what I wish for because I felt it, I felt loss for my past for the first time. I was a little weepy at first, but the more I thought about it the more I cried until I was sobbing into my pillow. I don't even know what I was feeling, loss, regret, cheated, deprived, all of those, and more that I can't describe. I remember the person I used to be for them, and I'm not that now. There are so may reasons, transitioning, my history, my lifestyle, time passed. I felt like I usually do, like the outside person watching the room full of people interact, but this time I felt like being on the outside wasn't were I belonged, I should have been my old self there chatting and talking about my life with everyone.

It's a feeling I can't reconcile, this feeling of lost time, of feeling cheated. Feeling loss for myself was something I never had, but now it's still with me. Every now and then I'm reminded of who I was, and it makes me a little sad. It's a complicated feeling though, for me. I bounce back and forth between wondering what could have been if I wasn't transgender and wondering what could have been if I came out earlier. Two parallel worlds, neither of them real, but it's all I can think about when I feel this way.

I want to be inside my friends heads. During all my past I always assumed no one ever talked about me when I wasn't around. I simply didn't think of myself as important enough for people to give any thought too. Now though, maybe this is arrogant, I would imagine I've been a fairly hot topic among them all, hell among everyone who I know, I would guess. But what do they all think? What do they see when they look at me, or when they watch me do or act overtly feminine? How often, if at all do they think something like "fuck she's so different." and how many times does that bother them, if at all? What connections are they making with our past, have any of them thought back and thought how much this explains? I'd even take the bad thoughts just to know the truth.

I've been asked the usual list of questions, when did I know, when did I come out, how do I feel about surgeries the typical questions. None of them have gotten personal, I mean specific to me personal and if there was a group of people who should feel free to do that it's them. That being said however, I've had little time with any of them one on one.

I think I just realized something. I have nothing else to talk about other then being transgender. I want them to start conversations about something they are probably scared to talk about. People talk about their lives, work, children, hobbies, they all have all of those. Transitioning is all that is in my life. Sure I've worked, I have hobbies in the past but even then, not transitioning was what my life was. I worry about becoming one of those people who have a "problem" and that's all they talk about, but this isn't just a problem, it's a solution. It's happiness and sadness, it's exciting and terrifying, it's mundane and interesting. It's a full new set of "life" that people don't even know exists. This isn't just a bad back, or getting laid off, this is me. This is my entire life, who I am inside and out. Later in my new life, when I'm done transitioning and I'm a "woman" (whatever that means exactly) I'll still have the knowledge of me going through this transition, to be born male and now fully female, and I know I'll draw strength from it.

For some reason, and I know this is fairly different then other TG's, I want to scream it from a mountain top, or I guess Signal Hill for you Newfies. I'm not afraid of being transgender any more, in fact I'm very intensely ready to embrace every ounce of it, and I want others to know that. It seems to be the only counter to all of the regret and how cheated I feel about my past.

Ok, words are just flowing out of my fingers today, so I'm going to stop here before I end up writing all day. Back tomorrow.