That being said, here I am now only a week in to my new job and it's slowly starting to have the desired effect on me. I've needed a job for and unbelievable amount of reasons. Money, yes, but not just money to have money. It's the freedom that comes with it. Soon enough (assuming something drastic doesn't happen) I will be able to live as my own person. This is something I have never done, don't forget. Never mind I've had jobs and money to go with it in the past, that actually doesn't count. Rebecca, *I*, have never had money. *I* have never been able to live as I have wanted to. Even simply getting up in the morning and deciding I want to go to the mall that day and buy something, be it a game, or clothes, or make-up, dinner, hell even a cup of tea isn't something I've felt, or been able to do, comfortably. This part of having a job is something I can somewhat foresee, and I'm incredibly excited for, but there is more.
Probably the most immediate effect it is having is being around people. More specifically, people who don't know my past. This is something else I've been looking forward too, another reason I needed a job. I've never had a job before where people treat me like I'm female. I was so nervous on my first day, just waiting for someone to "out" me to the rest of the staff. That someone most likely being me. I've caught myself several times talking a little low for a girl but thankfully it's a bit noisy in the kitchen so I think people barely notice.
What has happened instead I have few words to describe the feeling. It truly dawned on me today while at work. Without getting into the inner workings of a kitchen too much, usually everyone has a "station" they are taking care of. If something gets ordered that's made on your station then it's usually up to you to do it. Now, that's particularly set in place for when it's busy, otherwise it would be total madness, so when it's slow, it tends to be somewhat flexible. This time, when what I'm talking about happened, it was slow. I was away from my station doing some prep work and heard an order come in. I finished doing what was in my hand and looked over to see I had something up on my station and the kitchen manager had it started already. I went to him, watched for a smidge and asked, "Do you have this, or will I take over?" to which I received a "Yep, I got this Ma'am." I just said, "okie doke" (apparently my new catchphrase) and walked away, over to my prep. I was there for about, I dunno, a minute and thought...
Hey wait a sec.... "Ma'am"?
It was then I really started to comprehend how many times I've been referred to as girl, ma'am, missus, darling, sweetie, etc. etc. I'm being treated like a woman, not even like a girl, but a woman. The feeling that created is difficult to explain. I smiled, of course, and felt good. It was almost like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm not hiding any more and on top of that I don't need to be afraid of not hiding. At least, that's how it feels. I think this is another feeling I can't explain to any cis-gender readers I may have. Something I've been hiding away from everyone for years, something core about being *me*, is now just out in the open for friends, family, and strangers to see. All of the fear that comes with that is, dear I say, unnecessary. I can hardly fathom it.
Besides the pronouns and cute names, people treat me differently then before. Let me put an end to any sort of debate right now, men and women get treated differently in the work place, absolutely. I've experienced both, and there is no debate to be had, especially by men. Men do things for me I'm perfectly capable of doing myself. I can simply ask where something is, and instead of being told where it is (which I'd prefer, actually, then I can find it myself next time) someone will get it for me. I've yet to change a garbage bin, or even need to try to lift something heavy. Today, for example, I looked at a large pot of water and thought, "nope, can't lift that." I just said to a guy next to me that I don't think I can lift his pot of water and he did it for me, no questions. I'm given the "right of way" almost every time I cross paths with a man, and almost always with an "excuse me." or "sorry". I'm on the receiving end of unsolicited kindness quite often as well. People doing parts of my job "just cause" when before there was no chance because "whatever"
The way women treat me is different too. There's an older lady that I can't say talks down to me, but she does talk to me like I don't quite know what's going on, with a little too much praise. Besides that though, she treats me just like a human being. The younger girls are... funny from my perspective. They are all so much more interested in talking to me, so much less sexually threatened it's obvious. Honestly, the kitchen staff is mostly male, so I have little comparison as of right now with females.
Another thing I thought cute was when I was done my shift I went to the bar to wait for my ride. I was just drinking some water and a guy sitting half close came over to get a toothpick from a bunch of them sitting near by. He by no means crossed in my way, in fact if he didn't say anything I probably wouldn't have even noticed he was there, but yet he said " excuse me". Something else that struck me as slightly different treatment.
These are feelings and treatments that a year ago I never would have thought would happen to me. It didn't matter how much I wanted them, I thought people would never see who I really was, never treat me how I felt I should be treated. The descriptive words totally escape me, probably mostly because the reality of being treated this way hasn't completely sunk in yet. I see it all happening now, but it really hasn't dawned on me yet. The reason for that is because it seems too good to be true, I think. How is this happening now, after all this time? After spending my life afraid, defensive and angry, I can now be cute, and relaxed, it's surreal.
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