So here I am again. I'd apologize for taking so much time off, but I'm about to explain it. I don't want to get into any detail out of respect but what has finally happened is I no longer have the family I once had. Myself and my partner have parted ways. I always worried, and often talked about this happening, but I never thought it would, never.
I guess for my first post back in a while I'll talk about what changes and results have happened from this.
Probably the biggest impact has been my depression and general mood. I've certainly become more depressed, I think I've had one happy day since. I had a hard time making myself believe I could be meaningful to someone when I had a family, now I'm almost certain I won't be to anyone. Who will find me attractive? Cis men will almost certainly not be interested once they know what's between my legs. Cis women are unlikely to even be attracted to me in the first place. Cis gay men and lesbians would most likely become uninterested for the inverse reasons. I can say from my own feelings that a trans man or woman isn't looking for someone like myself either, some would be, perhaps. That doesn't leave many "fish in my sea". I know there are plenty of people out there that are attracted to trans-women, but it's almost always on a fetish level. Which brings me to another point, who wants to start a relationship with someone who they can't start a family with, especially at my age?
I actually find myself combating these feelings by thinking "Ok, that just means I need to come to terms with being alone for the rest of my life.". That thought helps until it starts to sink in how utterly depressing that is in and of its self.
I am all but surrounded by friends now. I live with one of the "League" I wrote about before and his partner, and they have people around often. I also go out more with people from the trans community, and have been invited to go out with co-workers (another post I'll get to, I just started) but haven't from lack of time and money. You would think this would be great, and at the start of my break-up it was exactly what I needed, especially my new roommates. Now that I've been here a while, and made a few appearances at trans related parties and gatherings I'm starting to see my place again. The trans community here is very young, and it makes me feel awkward (a feeling I'm not super used to) while I'm around them. Thirty-five isn't old by any means, but when I'm the oldest one at a party, and I'm obviously there just to connect to someone, anyone, it makes me feel creepy. These people understand what I'm going through, but I'm too old to have much of a connection. They are involved in plenty of things that my age makes me either not allowed, or painfully inappropriate. And really, what does a thirty-five year old cook have in common with twenty-something year old university students?
My cis friends are great people, but none of them are even close to the emotional turmoil I am in. I feel much like a separate entity then the rest of them, and they have no idea what I'm going through. I often get the "Welcome to being a woman." type answers from them that are painfully ignorant and it makes me see how alone I am, even when surrounded by them. I've gotten answers like "I know what you're going through, I used to live with a lesbian." from best friends. Maybe, former best friends that I'm working on building, is more accurate. Either way, I can't sit down with one of them, people my age, and really let it all out and get understood rather then condescended on. Hell, I can't even tell them the good changes that happen and get any more then a "uhm, that's mundane" sort of attitude back. They don't understand enough to know that my soft skin, or losing muscle mass makes me feel like a million bucks. To them it's just "ok, neat." No one to get excited with me for the little accomplishments, and little accomplishments are all I have.
Something else that kills me is how much I'm relying on other people. I just got a job, I've had three shifts, so I haven't received a paycheck yet. Since leaving my family I've had no money so my roommates have been doing everything for me. I eat their food, I use their shower and grooming supplies, I'm sleeping in a bed belonging to them, I'm typing on a computer desk they own and my clothes are being kept in a dresser of theirs. I don't feel like my own individual at all, I feel like a parasite.
One good thing that has come of this is I am presenting my real gender all the time now, always. I make it a point to wake up and get a shower before my roommates wake up every day. I'm out and putting on my make up before they are out of bed most days. and the few times they woke up before I expected them to, or that I slept in more then I wanted to, I run by them to my room and don't come out until I'm looking presentable. Most times with my shirt or hands covering my face. It's a fair bit of effort, and there are days I curse the fact that I even have to do this, but in the long run it has been good for me.
What this has all done, losing my family, seeing how I really don't seem to fit in with the friends I have and being unbelievably poor, is it has given me a totally new perspective on life. Things I seen as problems before, huge issues, are so ridiculous to me now I don't know why I used to spend energy thinking about them. So many of the problems people talk about just come across as petty to me, I guess they aren't to them. It is hard for me, however, to take their complaints about work, or friends or not being able to buy something in a certain color when I just lost my family, I'm poor and with no one to talk to while going through probably one of the biggest emotional and physical challenges a human can go through, all with no solution in sight.
Not to mention being as suicidal as I have ever been in my life.
I don't know how I managed to make it through the last month without killing myself, but I have so far. I've heard over and over again how transitioning is very hard, but ultimately worth it. All I'm hoping for is I'm going through the very hard now, and the worth it will eventually come. Though my patience is wearing thin while I wait for something good to happen.
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