Encouraging Extinction

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with this as much as I used to, things just have been conspiring against me getting some writing done.

When I seen Red Durkin a few weeks ago there was something she said that had stuck with me, well actually two things, this is one of them.

I don't remember everything leading up to this mini punchline, or really the whole joke. All I remember is one line she said, something like "Then you're left in the uncomfortable position of consoling someone over how they feel about you." I barely thought of it before hearing this, but she had just put a name on something I had felt many, many times. And while I understand, "uncomfortable" is an understatement.

There are so many factors here, I will try to include them all. To start, so often, almost daily, I find myself trying to make someone feel better over how they are feeling toward me. Not "enemies" who think TG's just need a good dose of the bible or something, I mean friends who are crying over what is going on in my life now.

Their crying is selfish, I'm sorry, but it is. I'm not calling anyone out for it, I'm just calling it what it is. I guess for a moment they see past the person in front of them and only think of the person they thought they knew. It is my biggest, most frequent, "damage control" I have to do with coming out. People miss the old me, will I still be who they know? How much of me will change? How much of me was a lie? For many of them, time hasn't fixed much yet, it has just given them the ability to be specific about the things they miss.

Sometimes when I'm trying to comfort people about the things they miss I can offer an alternative, but more often then not all I can offer is "You're right, that isn't the same any more, I'm sorry." I understand where they are coming from, I really do. To me this has been on my mind all of my life, to them they just had to start thinking about it now. It is something huge, it's strange actually. When you try to visualize it, it kinda seems like "meh, not so bad." but going through it, having it in your life seems to be something that grips the brain a little. I doubt there has been a single friend of mine that hasn't spent at least one night "wondering".

The more I think about it actually, while I understand, I have no idea what they could be thinking or feeling about it. If a friend were to tell me they are Trans my response would be "omg me too!" So I guess that puts me at a little disadvantage here.

That being said, What does the cis mind think of when it is made to think about this? Anyway..

It hurts. Every time I get approached like this I feel awful. I feel bad enough that I'm "taking" someone away from you. I feel bad enough that I've been lying to literally everyone in my life until now. When I`m faced with people feeling loss over who I was the emotions playing are not fair.

Before coming out this was actually one of my biggest fears. How people would react to seeing the old me go away. I don`t think people understood all of the implied changes. There is something I wrote in my diary a little over a month after coming out that I`m going to share here..

"... I told my partner and family that I'm still 'me' just now I'll look rather different. Professionals say the same... are they helping my lie or believe it as much as everyone else?"

I knew then what people were going to go through even if they didn't, and I tried (and still try) to peel back the layers as slowly as possibly so I don't startle anyone. I can't stop the changes of course, I'm just trying to stem them a little. Even so, people occasionally realize "hey this isn't the same any more." and they feel that loss.

How does it make me feel? Well, like I said I understand, I really do. A lot of my conscious thought is put toward helping others get through my transition. It seems like part of my responsibility while I transition, to help the people close to me understand and go through it with me with a better outlook. I'm sorry I'm putting you through this, I really am.

But..

I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I feel like I'm put in the position of defending a person that is a shadow, and conceding over the person that is actually really me. It makes me feel like this person that is right in front of you isn't as important as the person you thought you knew. It's a harsh reminder of having to hide my real self, and almost makes me wonder how much you wish I could "go back". People seem to look at it like I'm going from one person to a completely different one. What I feel like is I'm evolving from one to another. Perhaps a subtle but significant difference. I know where I started, and I have no idea where I'm going but the journey is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced in my life and I SO desperately want everyone around me to share that excitement.

Many of them can't though, I guess they are still caught up in however they feel like this effects them. This is the part that really makes my head steam. Like I said, the feelings people have are selfish. People only feel the loss related to how it effects them, if not they need to smarten up a little more even. If people are worried about how this effects me, stop worrying! I *want* this with all my being, the things I've already given up, the things I may still give up makes it clear to me how important and necessary this is for me. Believe me when I say, you, out there, are the only people concerned about the person I was. Me, in here, I couldn't possibly care less. I'm not sure if people really see that when they look at me, or really understand that when they talk to me. This transition is hard, yes, an understatement even. My day to day life is pretty close to total chaos, especially emotionally, which effects intellectually. Would I stop? No. Do I have any regrets? No. Do I miss my previous life?

What life?

If I don't, and I'm the one who really has to live with me all the time, then what is everyone so upset about? It's the one thing friends in the trans community just "get". No one I've spoken with has any concerns over who I was or may have been. When we are all talking, I (and I would assume many others) are hearing your past and placing the person we are talking to in it, not the person everyone else knew before. There is hardly a whisper of a feeling of loss for the past. Many, myself included, have a "good riddance" attitude toward it. Not having to defend or live up to any sort of past is one of the most relaxing new feelings I have, and comes almost exclusively from the trans community. It's an odd feeling "not having" a past, but the equally odd outcome of that is it frees up my mind exponentially to become the woman I am.

So I guess that is the duality of it. I feel like I was born 6 months ago. I happened to be born a reasonably intelligent, mature 35 year old, so that gives me a lot more tools to work with then the average infant but life began for me half a year ago. I can't help but admire the coincidence of my telling my parents on my birthday. Because I feel that way though, I have no past to be bothered with, but also my past has a thin thread connecting it to the people in my life. That's why one of the first things I wanted to do was take the people that are connected to my past and reconnect them to my present.

I wish everyone could see what I'm trying to say here and take it to heart, but I know how that is probably not possible. I'm also not insensitive, I'm not here telling everyone they are making my life that much more miserable either.... "teaspoon-ocean" effect there. A part of me wishes I could feel upset over my past just so I can understand where they are coming from more, but it's just not in me. I look back and want to throw up. Seriously, I can't express how unappealing, practically offensive, my past is to me. It just about blows my mind when I see someone feeling loss over...

...him