I had a pretty fun day yesterday. I was out shopping for christmas with my parents and came home to putting up the tree with my partner and kiddo. Good times. :)
Ahhh, Christmas, oh how you've punctuated my life. I vaguely remember young christmas, visiting both grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Putting up the tree with my parents in that little apartment.
The couch I found Six-Shot hidden in, a transformer I wanted.
Many of those years had christmas's that made me very happy, like it's supposed to be. It was a time of nothing but pure joy, accompanied with plenty of snow to make forts in and hot chocolate to warm up with.
My teen years though, those changed everything. Christmas always felt like a time for family for me. It was the only time I seen all of them together, and honestly one of only a few times a year that I seen some of them at all. I always felt like christmas was a time of setting aside differences, forgetting about what's going on in your life and the world outside those doors, and getting in touch with your family and love ones. That feeling, ultimately made me feel so sad, so alone, completely lost and by myself. I felt christmas should be like that, but it didn't matter, I was forever shut away from everyone and I couldn't be myself and comfortable ever. Christmas became depressing for me. It didn't matter how well I forgot about my "problem" that year when christmas and new year's came around I was always reminded of how alone I was. I used to sit with my family and mostly listen because I found when I spoke I caused trouble. So I listened, just to feel something from everyone. I tried to revel in their passion for each other, since I wasn't really involved myself. After listening and not getting involved started to overwhelm me with reminders of WHY I'm just sitting listening, I always made my presence scarce. I imagine my actions made my family think I felt the complete opposite toward them that I did. I just felt the way they were thinking about myself, not them.
I can't express how strong the feeling of being alone was during this time of year, I really can't. The days between christmas eve to new years day was when I attempted suicide most often, maybe that'll help explain.
Wow some of those memories are hard...
So back to yesterday before this turns too depressing. Yesterday I was cooking a roast chicken dinner, working on the gravy while my partner and kiddo were decorating the tree. The sense of family started to creep into me, that feeling of christmas I used to have 25 years ago. I was a little distracted with dinner but I noticed the feeling and smiled. Dinner was ready before the tree was done, so we ate first and went back to the decorating.
When we started again I was doing some decorating as well. After a bit though, I sat down with my tea and watched the other two. Gradually that feeling of this being "real" started to well up inside me. I started associating the kiddo with me when I was younger and myself and partner as my parents. I noticed I was making memories (I actually noticed memories being made, yes, I'm fucked), and connecting everything happening. I realized I was living right *now* and I haven't felt that way since before my teens. I didn't feel alone in the slightest, I just came from my parents, and I was sitting with my family.
I realized I had felt this way for a fair bit during the last while, weeks or days. Feeling it in a setting I can compare it to from my past made me that much more aware of it, and aware of how different I feel now.
I started to cry. I was so overwhelmed I literally couldn't handle it. I was sitting, thinking, feeling, and crying and my partner asked me what was wrong. I couldn't talk so I said I'll explain later but she made me think even more, even deeper. I actually had to stop, I stood up and walked around the kitchen and tried to focus on something else. That feeling was as totally uncontrollable as terror except it felt so good all I could do was cry. Honestly the only reason I didn't ride the wave, so to speak, was because of the kiddo being there, I didn't really want to be an emotional mess in front of her.
The calm I bring to familiar situations now is starting to hit me more often then before. That was one of the biggest reasons that feeling was so hard to control yesterday. Besides how over whelming it was I also started to feel how calm, and content I felt. How simply at ease I was/am and how that has never been a feeling I brought to these situations before. Essentially I felt incredible about feeling incredible... it was quite a snowball effect. It's a feeling I trigger often, I notice how good I feel doing anything, the mundane to the complex. I find myself singing and dancing, while cleaning, or cooking. Walking around the mall... ok, ok.. bouncing around the mall, lip syncing every song I hear while out, sometimes while being very animated.
I'd have the desire, the ache, to do many of those things but never did because that's "not what guys do". Now I do something like that and I catch myself in this conversation..
"Psst, Becky. Whatcha doing girl?"
"I'm singing and dancing. :)"
"You're in Walmart, btw."
(look around) "I am aren't I? Hmm, well I probably look cute right?"
"Yeah, probably. :)"
"On with the dancing then!"
A situation that never would have had the chance to happen a few months ago.
God I love being a girl.
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