Momentarily

 I realized how up and down my posts are. I even contradict my own feelings from day to day. What I say about my feelings in the past or of the past seem to disagree sometimes too.

Now I'm not sure, but I think this may be because of being transgender. I have always felt things in waves, is the only way to describe it. Maybe it's the depression that comes with it, that causes the waves, I'm not sure. They didn't always coincide with times in my life I was actively being feminine... I don't think so anyway, but those are the times that are easiest to explain now.

I'm also not sure if this is something other transgender people experience (which I'll get into in a sec) or if it's my personal experience of it. I have heard of others talking about doing similar things so I'm thinking this may be worth talking about in case there's someone out there reading this that this is troubling as much as it did me.

I do remember having weeks-ish of good days then the same in bad days and back and forth, emotionally. What I really can explain to you is how I would express my femininity in waves.

After I "decided" to hide all of this about me, around my early to mid 20's, I lasted something like three to four years, the timeline is just a little hazy now. During most of that time I had nothing to do with sex, I didn't even masturbate. It was actually getting a girlfriend which "forced" me to think about sex that ultimately brought my feminine side back. We lasted a few years and it was about half way through that the desire to be feminine started to come back. I found myself, again, compelled to explore it and I hated it. It was actually what led me to break up with her. I told her more times then she wanted to hear that it was all me and had nothing to do with her.

It's.... unfortunate how impossible it is to convince someone believe that.

Without telling them the whole truth I guess...

I'm sorry..

Anyway. This part of me that I already hated but simply was helpless to stop had once again ended something wonderful for me. That's how the back and forth started, well, again I guess. I didn't feel at all comfortable enough to express my femininity in any way that someone could tell, at least not consciously. So what I did was I sexualized it.

But I did it in waves. I would usually start with panties. First, I had to get the courage to get a few pairs, because let's be honest, one pair simply will not do. The first time I bought a pair after my "drought" the embarrassment of doing it was enough to turn the tide back the other way and I hid them in my closet without even putting them on and forgot about them for a while.

It didn't matter though, eventually I came around again, knowing I had a few pairs of panties in my closet I had to put them on. From there I would explore more and more until I got to a point that I wanted "too much", I was afraid of being caught, or I was starting to feel like I was doing something I needed to stop and I'd put everything away again. What I mean by "too much" is that I would very often start thinking "yes I'm transgender, this is something I need to do." That thought would almost always, excuse the pun, scare the panties off of me.

This is the part that is similar to some other TG's I've found. A sort of "binge and purge" as one described it. I started with panties, sure, because they are so easy to hide but I'd get as swept up in exploring more as my comfort would let me. Wearing them over night quickly became all day, which quickly became outdoors. It would just be the idea of taking them off that would make me go "Nope, no thanks." Eventually I would start shaving everything but my face (oh god, lol), wearing pantyhose, bras, skirts, and minimal makeup when no one was home. I'd start fantasizing about being a woman while I masturbated (yeah I started that again), about being with men. I'd eventually think "I want to be a woman."

Rather then do that though, I would always choose to put everything away, many of those times I threw it all in the garbage. I'd tell myself "no" and not understand why I would be miserable until I would come to some sort of neutral that would make me comfortable enough to go back to the femininity.

I still have these waves, clearly. One of the best things about them now is they are so much less confusing. I'm not driving myself crazy wondering why I feel the way I do about my gender and sexuality. That confusion is still there but I have very little doubt left in me now. Well today.