Memories

I hesitated writing this all day yesterday to the point that I didn't write it. It's a rather private topic, but thanks to the anonymity of the internet here we are. Sorry this one is a little serious.

Oh and it'll come with a little advice for friends of TG's.

I realized yesterday how much I hate my own genitalia, how long I've felt like this, and how well I've kept it from myself. I remember when I first came out a friend of a friend mentioned something about the "genital hatred" he assumed every TG had (not here suggesting he's correct btw, just happened to be so for me.). I basically laughed at my friend when they suggested it to me.

I was wrong about myself though. Something I find myself doing often these days. I was having quite a good day yesterday, I was dressed up and looking kinda hot. I was wearing a homemade gaff that started to be a little painful, pinching my penis. I put up with it for a while, but finally went to the bathroom and took care of it.When I was there I seen how much I was "hurting" my penis, it was red and clearly pinched hard, it took a while for the skin to fall back to where it would naturally rest. I just absorbed the pain and thought to myself while staring at my penis.

"Well fuck you, I should cut you off anyway."

And it hit me. Like a flood of memories I started to remember how many times I've thought that in my life. How many times I've tried to make it look like it's not there, how many times I wished something would happen to it/me to give me the excuse to get rid of it. I remember a year ago or so I "injured" my penis during sex (another story.) and I couldn't have sex for a while. I wasn't upset, I was relieved. Thank you, I don't have to fool with this thing anymore. I also thought that maybe this was it, maybe it would get worse instead of better, (because I barely took care of it.) and I'd be "forced" to have something done about it.

All my life I have had thoughts like those, ALL MY LIFE. and I really, I mean really, had no idea, and it's very disturbing. I intellectually know that this is very not "normal" to feel like this. Hating your own genitals is probably as incongruent to good mental health as anything could be. Imagine having a loathing over something that everyone uses to identify you, that everyone uses to identify themselves. It's how we all interact socially. And it's your genitals folks! Most people receive nothing but happiness/pleasure from them. I know all of that, but I utterly don't feel it and that's what's disturbing to me.

I suppose when you look at it these feelings would be "expected" from a trans person like myself. But here's the new flash folks. If we were given a choice, none of us would be TG. None of us would choose to have the self-loathing, the shattered social life, the hurricane that is called "transitioning". If I was given the choice, I'd be HAPPY with being born male, I wouldn't spend all of my life wondering why I feel the way I do with no answers.

So whenever something like this comes to light it hits me pretty hard. It's a painful, powerful reminder of how much I haven't been happy. It's like all the moments of dysphoria come stabbing through like so many little knives

I've already let this go too long, so I'll leave the advice for my next post. Thanks for reading this one, I hope it wasn't too much information.I'm not sure how helpful this post would be for any other TS either, this one was mostly therapeutic.