Well dammit, a feeling I did not think I would have for a while has crept up on me. I have today off, and I finally have a little money and all I want to do is go out. Which is expected of course. What crept up on me is..
I want to go on a date.
I just sat in front of my computer for the last twenty minutes or so looking for a transgender oriented dating site to sign up to, and I have to say they are all garbage. Us transwomen get fetishized in just about everything on the web. It's a little disheartening not to mention disturbing.
Hmm, I would like to say, I am not slipping into depression here again, just a little legitimately lonely. I am probably going to have a few drinks and watch some "Walking Dead" or go out someplace on my own to pass the night. It is just this is the first time I have really had this feeling since starting my transition so I thought I would write something down about it.
I would imagine it has come from a blatant sexual comment said to me at work. See? I told you work is exactly what I needed to do for so many reasons. It was a quick exchange of words between myself and a supervisor working in the kitchen that it came from. It went something like this..
Supervisor: "Hey can you guys get that (something made out of food) done right away?"
Me: "Hey, stop yelling at us."
Sup: "I'll yell if I want to"
Me: "Then I'll get this done when I want to"
Sup: "Just get it in the oven before I come back there and make out with you."
Me: *smiling* Damn, that was pretty cute, "Ok, I'm already on it."
It was so unexpected, and unsolicited I can not help but see the sincerity of it. I never would have thought I would have gotten a comment like that from anyone, and he is a pretty good looking guy. If we did not work together I would probably go on a date with him. It also explained a couple of looks earlier in the day that a comment of mine generated. The kitchen manager and a co-worker standing next to me were calling across the kitchen to each other, playfully talking tough to each other, claiming all around beatings and whatnot. The manager honestly looked like he was having a rough day, though he was not taking the banter harshly. I called out to him, with my arms open wide,
"Hey (insert name here) do you need a hug!?"
He did not answer me back, instead he looked in the direction of the supervisor I just mentioned with that look that guys give each other when they are thinking the same sexual thing, a sly smile and nod. I did not think anything of it at the time. Honestly, I thought I may have overstepped or something, since he did not say a thing back. But I am thinking now, that was not the case.
So anyway, it made me feel like a sexual being again, what can I say? It cast away the shadow of thinking I will never been seen as attractive to anyone. Of course reality sinks in and I know if I were to go far enough they would find something that, chances are, they would not be interested in. That only bothers me when I let it, and frankly, I am not letting it.
I just want to go on a date. I would love to go to a movie, or dinner, or both, just something warm, it is freezing here these days. I want that experience because I never have. I want to be on the receiving end of someone's attraction, to be desired and have the holder of that desire try to show me.
And I want it from a man.
I feel that feeling with sheer disbelief. I am more then a little surprised I am sitting here writing about feeling what I am feeling because I did not think I would feel it. Me? Want a man? Since when? Now at least, apparently. I am sitting here between sentences fantasizing about how great it would be to go on a date with one. Since it is a fantasy I am not concerning myself with what could go wrong, I am thinking more about what their reaction would be to how soft my skin is now, or what it would feel like to have them touch me and run their hands over my curves. Besides that, how the date itself would go, what would they say, how would they let me know they want to be with me like that.
It does make me wonder though, how can I possibly make, or let, this happen? It is not as simple as finding someone to date, that's not too hard. It is finding someone I can trust as much as I need to, someone who will not be all but disgusted when they find out what I am, or offended. I don't want to think of what could happen to me if that is the case.
Anyway, I guess ultimately I am happy I have this urge today, it is a step forward in my development. As I said, it is one I thought I would not have for quite some time. I guess it means I am becoming more comfortable in myself, and with my own body. How much I want someone to touch me is overwhelming sometimes today. I have stripper-like soft skin and it is craving to be touched. It does make me feel more like a woman, besides the idea that I want it to be a man who touches me, which is reason enough, it is also because of what I want from the encounter. I want to be treated like a woman. "Taken care of" in the sense of what happens on dates, and I also want to be treated like a woman in bed, being touched, caressed, and well.... taken. I guess I am not sure if that is what it is like to be treated like a woman sexually, it is just more or less the opposite of what I feel a man would want.
It is how *I* want to be treated, and I am a woman.
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