Shedding Weight

So I have been re-reading my blog the last few days and I have realized how much of an idiot I have been lately. What really made me understand was the post I listed a few things about being a girl that make me happy, but throughout most of the posts there are flickers of how much happier I have been now that I started to transition. What makes me an idiot is I have had so much negativity on my mind I have totally forgotten the main point of, well absolutely everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen.

I'm a freaking GIRL now!

I guess it took a feeling that hit me today while at work for me to link it all together. I was just doing some prep-work before the restaurant was open, slicing something with my knife which I find oddly, but undeniably, calming. I was there slicing some green onions and it just dawned on me, everyone in the building, a total of around fifty or more employees, see me as female.

I guess that seems pretty simple to some people but it was an amazing revelation to me. All of the ways I thought I would give my secret away haven't happened, all of my efforts, for what feels like the first time in my life have not been in vain. I go through my entire day, save for trips to the bathroom, without giving it a second thought;. I'm just being myself, being a girl. I dance in the kitchen (no knives out!), I sing (Yes I've gotten my singing voice well enough that I can sing and sound like a female while doing it), I act cute, all things I used to feel well up inside me and would even do sometimes or I'd burst, but there was always a comment given and/or I would make myself feel awkward. Now, I just do these things and they feel natural, and it seems everyone is just taking it as a part of who I am.

Besides how I'm behaving actively the things I'm not doing are something that made me realize how different things are. Today in the morning before open there were four people including me. The guys were talking about all sorts of stuff, from television shows to schools being closed today. There were countless times that I would normally have jumped in and given my opinion just to be heard. Every time I had that thought today I realized two things. One is that I didn't have the desire to make sure people knew what I thought, or that I corrected them on what they were saying, be it an actual correction or my opinion of a correction. Also how many times I had those feelings in the last week or more, or I guess, did not have them. I mentioned before how I really do not like how aggressive I used to be in the past and today was a solid understanding of how much that aggression has slipped away,

Back to my being an idiot. I have been holding so much negativity it has been slowly killing me, literally. The last few months, every time I thought I was starting to feel better about life it would only take a few moments before I started feeling miserable again. To be honest, I have plenty to be miserable about. What I have just begun to realize today it seems, is I have plenty to be the happiest I've ever been in my life. Regardless of what else is happening or not happening in my life right now, what is happening is I am transitioning. Isn't that what I've been waiting all my life to do?

Yes it is.

I think I may have stumbled on a breakthrough in my life, or mental health, or something important anyway. I find myself feeling bad about not feeling bad about some of the things in my life that are, from a realistic point of view, devastating. Like I need to feel bad about them to give them the respect they deserve.

Fuck that, fuck that all right to hell.

How am I suppose to embrace my new found womanhood if I'm wallowing in pain? I have been forgetting what it is I'm doing here while I have been feeling lost about things that are out of my control. Some of them are, or were, in my control but I made the choices I made with what was available to me. When I'm not thinking about the negative in my life I have days like today. Days that after working seven a.m. to three p.m. my manager looked at me and said "You. Can have a good day" implying I can go home. Know what my response was?

Arms spread wide, smile on my face, standing on my tip-toes, "I already had a good day! What do you want me to do now?"

Perhaps the first time that was said by someone at work at the end of their shift, ever.

I've been hurting for so long it is a difficult fact to accept about myself that I am a happy person when I'm not feeling pain. I don't just mean resent events either, I mean the majority of my life. The entirety of my adult life. If I let that go, I am the kind of happy person that is contagious, I watched it happen today. Why not choose being happy over being miserable, that's the whole freaking point of all of what I'm doing that is my transition.

That is why I'm an idiot.

So time to smarten up. I need to stop feeling awful about the things that are done and the things I had no control over. I'm doing nothing but generating a life of hurt that will do nothing but continue that hurt. I do not think it will be easy, I do not think it will be like flipping on a light switch. Realizing I'm not meant to be a miserable sorrowful person is the beginning, if you can imagine that somehow. That noticing what my general emotions are suppose to be in order to get this period of enlightenment to begin is how basic of a beginning I am working with.

I have talked before about this "wonder woman" I always pictured for myself to become. This could be the beginning. I never once pictured her as a sad, misguided, guilt ridden human being. She is always smiling, a big beautiful smile. She knows her place in life and has embraced it. She sees the hurdles and jumps them. She has her vulnerability but it makes her beautiful.

This fool needs to start smiling.