The Epiphany

Last night I had the most amazing moment of realization I have ever had in my life. It immediately changed my life and who I am. I am a different person today then I was less then twenty-four hours ago.

I was visiting my former partner and the kiddo on my day off. It wasn't planned this way when we first decided I would visit, but I ended up babysitting the kiddo while my Ex went out for something important. It was nice having some alone time with the kiddo, I read to her while she nuzzled into my side and started to doze off. My partner asked me to take care of the kiddo saying she would bring me home when she got back. That would have meant keeping her up fairly late, and besides that, my partner mentioned she would like to have some time alone with me as well. So I decided to put the kiddo to bed at her usual bedtime, and take the bus home, which would also give my partner a little bit of a break, because she looked like she needed it.

When she came home, I told her what I decided and she visibly relaxed. We chatted a short while, I mentioned some of the added difficulties I had thrust on me earlier that day, my solutions making her emotional. She then asked if I would come upstairs so she could have a smoke.

Before I go on, I am about to out myself to my family and parents if they still read this blog, so I should take a moment to do it delicately. I smoke pot, or rather I used to smoke it, regularly. I made the decision while moving out from my partner to give it up, and I've shared only two joints since, which is a better place for me, and it. I could write a separate and rather lengthy post about pot, why I smoked it, why I gave it up, why it's no where near as bad as those who have never used it think it is, how it should be legal and alcohol should not, etc etc. However, that's not why I am here today. I also want to add, and this comes with as much boasting as self awareness, I know how to handle the high, I'm far too intelligent to let it take me over. In fact, I am fully aware of the difference it creates, and rather then letting it consume me, I use it as a tool.

So we went upstairs. She knew I had given it up and didn't ask if I wanted any, but I asked if I could have some. I did it with total reason, I didn't want to get high, I didn't want to use it to "forget" or all of the other damaging reasons to use drugs, I wanted to do so for two reasons. I wanted it's effect on my perception, as George Carlin said, marijuana is a value changer. Also, I wanted to recreate a familiar feeling as much as possible. Sitting in my old room, smoking a joint with my partner because, as I have mentioned, I like being in familiar situations and feel how I am feeling now compared to the feeling I used to have.

Sitting there smoking the joint, talking with my partner was when this revelation started to hit me. It was not as powerful as it ended up being, at first, it was mostly a few "hmm, look at that." sort of thoughts. I started to realize how I slipped back a little more into my former self, feeling the need to comfort my partner, talking in a meaningful manner. I noticed how the female voice I've been practicing so hard with, didn't seem to fit this conversation. I'm not sure if I dropped much lower then I usually do, but I was a little concerned that I had.

I had a bus to catch, so I cut our talk a little short to go downstairs to start getting ready to leave. I gathered my things and talked a little longer. We hugged, and that was when the power of what I was beginning to understand started to truly hit me. She was not hugging me as a "see ya later" or for comfort, that hug was a good-bye. I felt like I was watching myself through a reality show, or a drama series or something of the like. In this story, I played the transgender woman who has, or is starting to, find her way. My partner playing the important people in my life getting left behind. The decisions I have been making, all selfish ones, every single on of them being one I needed to make. I had to make them to be myself, and for the first time in my life, they were decisions I made with me in mind. It was then that suddenly I started to see who I am. I really started to see me as people must see me.

I let her hug me as long as she wanted, until it became time to catch the bus. I can honestly say I have never been held as tightly, or with so much intensity, as she held me last night. I left, making the decision to think about her later so I could think about this new feeling and understanding I was having. Waiting for the bus was cold, and made me think of little else other then getting on the bus. When I did, I sat down and fished out my headset to listen to some music. I listen to a lot of Tool, like I say to friends, "Everyone else plays music, Tool plays art." They have several songs about the clarity drug use gives us, and about exploring yourself to find who you are. One specifically where they mention not having a pen to write it down, and finally the epiphany I was having overwhelmed me.

I actually laughed at myself, I had no pen and nothing to write on. Then I realized I had a few mechanical pencil leads in my purse, and a bus schedule. I got them both out, and started writing on my schedule, breaking the little leads so many times, I had no pencil to put them in, I was just trying to use the lead itself. Besides how difficult it was to write with that sort of implement, on a shaky bus, on a bus schedule resting on my lap what I wrote came out with amazing clarity. I had to switch buses once and on my second bus I was sitting in a more open area, facing sideways and more or less encroaching on a group of three friends. Sitting sideways made me notice my reflection in the window, which drove home what I was coming upon. I must have looked like an absolute nut case, or totally brilliant, using what I could to pour out my thoughts to paper, naked pencil refills, and a bus schedule. I was frantically trying to write down what I could on such a poor medium to be able to remember everything I was thinking and feeling at the time.

I finally seen myself. I finally felt myself. I finally knew the person I was presenting. I have talked so many times about this "super woman" I picture myself becoming. It was on the bus that I realized there was no "becoming", I have become. People already see me as the person I want to be, I am the only one who has not. My old male self forgotten and I didn't see it happening. I live exactly like, and as, a woman. Not just "a" woman, but "the" woman I want to be. Sure I have some hurdles to overcome, but they are not who I am, they do not make, or decide me, they are just things to do. I am here now. I have been piecing myself together, in my mind, for survival. The reality of it is I have pieced myself together in ways that make me comfortable, ways that make me "me". Again, I see "improvements" but I am doing what I can, with what I have. Not just "doing" I am expressing myself.... EXPRESSING MYSELF how *I* want to express myself.

I said many posts back that when I finally see that I have lost all of the male side of me, of how I have become the woman I want, or that I am incredibly amid my journey that it will be a powerful sight. Well everyone, here I am. It didn't hit me the way I thought it would. I thought I would cry in a combination of happiness and sadness. What happened was complete elation. My mood became... unfamiliar. I started to smile at myself, hysterical laughter leaking out of me as much as I could while in a crowded bus. When I got off the bus, I didn't even notice the cold, I practically floated down the road to my house. My roommates were asleep, and it was fairly late so I was quiet as I went upstairs to get a banana to go with my medication. When I got to my room I threw everything down and ran my eyes over what I had written over and over, I lost count. I wanted to write this post then, but I decided to wait until I woke up and see how the clarity felt. Everything has changed for me it seems. The clarity, still there, is showing me who I am, who people see me as, how I can express myself in a way that makes me feel glorious and what I can do to make myself, more "me". I have direction and definition in my life, and it didn't come from a job, or a friend, or family, it came from inner peace.

I just took a moment to re-read what I already wrote in the post and I have one concern. I am concerned I have not been able to really stress how life altering this has been, how much it has changed everything, how truly magnificent this revelation was. People throw around those sort of words often, "amazing", "incredible", "revelations". However, I truly mean them. I simply cannot communicate the astounding feeling that has washed over me. This goes beyond a good idea, or something that makes me a little more comfortable with myself. This is an epiphany in its truest form. People say they are shocked, or surprised, or have their breath taken away as descriptors far more often then as truth. I can honestly say, I felt all of those things as this feeling, this acknowledgement, washed over me.

I thought this post would be longer, actually. It could be, if I wanted to get into detail of how every thought came over me, and that was my initial intent. I think though I'll leave this as is, people do not want to watch my brain tick away, trust me, it is chaotic.

What I will leave you with is how suddenly excited I am to be me. So much of my transition before now has been mainly for health reasons, really no different then someone with an ailment taking medication. Now my transition is about me. About living life how I want to, about expressing to people who I really am, the person I want everyone to see. I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to make sure people see me, I just need to live life as me, what makes me comfortable, what makes me come out of my shell. Everything else will just fall in to place.