Lessons

So it has been a lot longer then I intended since I last wrote something here. The main reason is a serious lack of time. Between the bus and work my work days are 12-14 hours long, plus taking care of the random things in life, plus the occasional socializing leaves me with little down time. I actually purposefully didn't go out tonight just to write in this.

Also, I haven't been sure what to write about. This last month has had less good days then bad and I didn't want to write something else excessively negative. What I have decided to write about is what I have learned about myself this last month.

Where to start?

My therapist has diagnosed me with dysthymia, basically an on going, less acute form of depression. For me it has lasted years and as is typical for dysthymia I feel like these down, depressive days are just a part of life. Dealing with this diagnosis has been a large part of why the last month has been difficult. I see it now every time it happens and how powerless I am to stop it. I find myself thinking, "This is just this 'thing', snap out of it and have a good day." but my mind always has other plans. Now that I see the divide between the good and bad times so acutely now I find myself wanting to be rid of the bad days. It never occurred to me that I could be happy the majority of the time, and seeing myself slipping into depression makes me angry at myself, and then more depressed because it is something I shouldn't be like, but have little control over... like I need more of that in my life. So because of this, I'm planning on going on antidepressants. Apparently it is all but part of the regular regiment of treatment for transgender people. The thinking being more or less, "They have enough to deal with, let's help them be happy.". To have more happy days then sad or depressed days seems like a dream to me, it honestly doesn't seem like a possibility, or a reality that exists. I'm interested in seeing what happens.

I had thought transitioning would rid me of this depression, so the last month or so that I have started to have more bad days it started to bother me deeply, it started casting doubt. I would think if making the decision to transition was the correct one to make then shouldn't I be getting happier? Yet something else that has made my last month difficult, the ceaseless doubt. It seems whenever I rid myself of a source of doubt, a new one appears. I have come to realize I am impatient with my transition. I want it all to happen NOW, and it simply will not happen that way. When it is all said and done I very well may be rid of the depression, but I am a year in now, almost exactly. This is a process that takes many years. I am finding the waiting to be very very hard on me.

Another significant thing that happened this past month is I went on a date, with a man. It was completely random in how it came to happen, I was asked out for pool and drinks by a stranger. I went, despite my fear, and had a wonderful time. I learned quite a lot about myself, like how I do like the attentions of men. I feel like a virgin teen realizing that for the first time. I enjoyed having a man obviously pursue me, show interest in me, trying to get to know me, giving me compliments. It gave me validation as a woman. He made a lot of observations about me that my therapist has, my intelligence, my knowledge, my ability to do anything. Ultimately, I believe, it intimidated him too much and it has caused him to cancel on me for two dates now. Well cancel isn't the correct term, he didn't contact me at all on those given days. He mentioned these things far too often for it not to be a factor of some kind, and it doesn't seem to be one of attraction.

I wanted those other dates though. I bought myself a new blouse for the reason of him seeing me in it, prepared myself for the night, even. This is also something I have learned about myself. It was after the fact, after these two dates didn't happen and I was thinking back that I realized what I had done. The initial  date was attractive enough to me that I now know I want to try again. So, I have made a profile on a dating site. I have had quite a bit of interest sent my way, but I didn't realize it was a full pay site, meaning I can't even respond to them until I pay, with a credit card, which I don't have. Apparently I want this bad enough that I applied for a credit card last week, something I didn't really see myself doing in the future, credit cards scare me.

Dating means something very different to me now then it used to. Now I feel more comfortable in myself, more natural in the situation. I feel like I'm playing the proper role as the one being pursued, rather then the initiator of the interaction. Also, I'm looking for someone to fit me rather then someone I fit. I feel less inclined to sacrifice parts of me just to make a date go well, or to spark interest. I guess it is partially to do with the new things I have to be cautious about. Having to worry about someone finding out what is between my legs is a new concern for me, so I need to find someone I can be comfortable with and trust, and eventually be able to share this part of me without too much retribution. It has left me with little need to hold back who I am in other areas though. I am who I am, in many ways I am an intimidating person, from what I hear, but I have no need to be worried about scaring away people with my personality, if they don't make it past that then I have zero interest in telling them the things I'm almost certain will scare them away.

Anyway. Another thing I have started to become comfortable with is my own style. I'm slowly starting to see what I like to wear, and what I like other people to see me in. I'm starting to come to terms with how I show myself is how people perceive me and I'm starting to piece together how it is I want to be perceived. I bought two new blouses over the last few weeks and I can see the difference between what I bought and what I had before. What I had before either being bought for me, or given to me and worn out of necessity, I didn't have anything else. What I buy for myself is my own style, something I never really felt like I had, or even felt the need or desire to have. It has made me more comfortable in places like work. Now that I have a minor selection I can choose between work clothes, casual clothes, and "going out" clothes. I find almost any time I leave the house, not for work, I wear the nicer clothing I have, rather then just "something.". Knowing I have a style outside of work makes me less self conscious about what I wear to work. I don't really care much if people see me in the same shirt 2 out of the five days I work because those are my "work clothes.". I guess all of that may sound simple, mundane even, but it is a big step in my personal development.

Speaking of work that is something else I have learned about myself. I really no longer want to be in a kitchen, at least not in a restaurant setting, or catering or... well I guess not a commercial kitchen at all. I don't like the way I am treated, the things expected of me and the serious lack of individuality. The latter being the biggest issue. I thought I would be ok with being a "drone" at work and expressing myself outside of work. I've come to realize this situation is no good for me now. I spend far too much time at work and it is seriously affecting my ability to learn who I am. It is impossible for this new me to learn who I am when I'm spending 10 hours a day in the same uniform as everyone else, with my hair hidden, my nails having to conform to standards... nothing but our faces are different. Also in this environment I need to be loud and fast, a personality I find myself not enjoying anymore. I am good at it, fantastic even, one of the best new cooks I know, but I no longer belong in kitchens, and that is really that.

I haven't seen much change in my body in the last month. In fact, I seem to look mostly the same sine all of the big changes happened several months ago. This is one of the biggest things taking its toll on my mood the last month I feel like I have been staring at the same half breed every morning for the last month or more. I know not everyone wakes up loving themselves but the daily battle is becoming exhausting. Every morning I get out of bed, get a shower, dry myself off, comb my hair straight and away from my face, then put on my glasses to shave. First though I spend a varying amount of time trying to be happy with what I see in the mirror. My face is a total lost cause. After my shower, make-up gone and facial hair at its longest, I can hardly look at myself in the face. Occasionally I can glance by it and see my hair and feel ok. My hair being almost shoulder length now. But almost always I stare at my face and HATE it. Then I look down over my body and my breasts are not very feminine, at least they don't look that way on my male chest. While I have more ass then I used to, I had no ass to begin with, and I think it still looks masculine. I do have the slightest hit of a waist, and that is almost always what I end up focusing on. I'm not sure how much I can explain how unconscious this is every morning. It is a mix of emotions until my eyes land on a spot that makes me sigh and feel like everything isn't so bad. Some days all I can manage is swearing into the air and picking up my shaving cream just to get on with my day. Then occasionally what happens is the worst thing in my day. I'll start brushing my teeth, causing me to shake a little, or I'll lean in while shaving, and my penis will touch the bathroom counter and my heart just sinks.

Speaking of my penis, I have been waiting a week now for my application to CAMH to arrive in the mail. Apparently your doctor needs to contact them and then they send the application to you. Once you send it back your two year waiting period starts. I have been looking forward to this application with such impatience, and the feeling I get from those moments in the bathroom I just mentioned, it making me have very little doubt about this decision. I would do it tomorrow if possible, fuck that, I would do it myself if possible.

Well, it's getting late and time is catching up to me again. I have come up with a way to get posts done more often, so hopefully I will be back more regularly. What I am trying to do with all of these things I've written about is learn about me, and take those lessons as the main outcome of it all. My therapist told me something about the mind that I'm very happy she told me. She said, to paraphrase, when you are happy, that is "you" that is who you are, the other negative emotions, sadness, anger, frustration, depression, those are tools to lead you to who you are. Seeing these emotions in this light has helped me a great deal. I get angry, sad and/or frustrated when things aren't working toward my continuing transition. That tells me I should do something about those things to make them not hinder my transition. I am excited, happy, carefree when I'm nothing thinking about those things and I am able to focus on how feminine I have become or, mostly, how feminine I feel inside. That tells me the one thing I cling to like a childhood blanket. I am a girl.