The Pillar

There is a person in my life that I want to talk about. He has been a friend of mine the longest of my current friends. I didn't know him in high school like some of the others, but he was there for a great deal of the time in between getting in contact with them again. He is the only friend I have had for the majority of my adult life.

Of all the people I know he knows me best of all. I honestly don't know how he managed to do it. I didn't open up to him any more then I did anyone else in the past. I remember a birthday of mine, I think it was my 30th, though they all string together at this point. He and I went out drinking, and for pizza... honestly the details of the night are rather fuzzy. What I do remember specifically is the present he gave me, a plaster tiger's head on a pedestal. I remember thinking it was the first gift I was given that really said "me", I have a thing for tigers and as far as I know he was the first person to notice, certainly the first to act on it. He had no idea I associated my love for tigers to my feminine side. I let out one of my hardest, loudest laughs ever when he presented me with it. He felt like my only real friend at the time and here he was with a gift that truly meant something to me AND it was attached to my secret that no one knew. The irony of it all couldn't be contained, hence the laugh.

He lives far away now and I rarely see him. In fact I haven't seen him since I started to transition. I told him I was transgender not long after I told my parents, via a text message. Not the best way to tell someone that sort of news. I was worried he wouldn't take it well, but I knew I had no reason to think that way. When I did tell him he changed, instantly. He changed entirely for me. He told me he would still talk to me about video games, something we both have always enjoyed, and since then he hasn't skipped a beat treating me like a woman. He has nicknames for me, calls me cutie, even minorly flirts with me, he treats me like he would any of his female friends. He has been the friend everyone should have, the friend every trans-person needs.

Besides transitioning with me flawlessly he has been my anchor, my shoulder to cry on, my comfort and my confidant on so many occasions I have lost count. There have been days that I don't know if I could have made it through if I wasn't receiving words of encouragement from him.

He worries about me, he has never once said so, but he does. He sends me a text every single day he is able, every one, and asks me how I am doing. He has taken the brunt of my worst days and always manages to snap me back to reality. He treats me with such kindness and caring I honestly don't know how to handle it. I mean that in a good way, I am just not used to being treated like that, and I find myself lost for words and usually only manage to say thank you.

He is also one of the few that sees my low self-esteem through what most people see as unshakable confidence. He tries to help me "see what he sees" and gives me compliments and says things about my character that I don't feel I deserve but he is convinced I do. He reads this blog and I remember one day after writing a particularly depressed post he sent me a message. I can't remember in detail everything he said, and I wish I could but what he said made me cry. I do remember saying they were all things I wished were true of me, that I wished people did see me as. To have someone saying them back to me was more then I could handle. To be so low at the time and suddenly be receiving these unsolicited compliments on my character and personality was a mixture that made my emotions have to pour out of me.

I will never know how to repay this man for everything he has done for me. My first year (almost my anniversary) has been a tumultuous one. I have gained so much, but lost as well. My moods and self-esteem have been sky high and rock bottom. I have been as confused with who I am and how others see me as I ever have been. There have been days that I thought suicide was my only solution and days I felt like I could take on the world. The only constants in my life have been this friend, his friendship and respect for me, and his unwavering faith that I can transition how I want and accomplish anything.

So, dear friend, I hope you see how much you and your friendship means to me. I am not sure if you feel like you have done much for me but to me you have been one of the most important parts of my ongoing successful transition.