While this last year seems to have gone by so very quickly, a lot has happened in that year. Just a little over a year ago now I would have been sitting in the living room fantasizing, worrying and being terrified of the decision I was about to make and the journey I was about to go on. I never would have imagined I would actually be where I am right now. I've been on hormones almost a year. My body, besides a few annoying "bits" is very feminine. I have breasts, a curvy-ish waist, long hair, a feminine ass, and soft, smooth skin. I pass every day, to every one, as a cis-woman. I get flirted with by co-workers, very warm receptions from strangers... I actually feel beautiful.
That's the most wonderful and amazing part of all of this, I feel beautiful. I still have trouble accepting compliments from people and I guess that's not the beauty I'm really talking about. When I look at myself in the mirror, aside from the bad days, I feel so content, so calm about what I'm looking at. Every now and then the reality hits me and I think, "Oh my, look at what I've done." and I can't help but smile. I remember one day at work I went into the washroom to change. On my way in I was talking to someone in the distance and the exchange was funny so when I got to the mirror I was laughing and smiling. My reflection actually made me gasp. I thought "What a pretty girl I am!". I could never had done that before. There was never a point in my life while looking male that I looked in the mirror and thought, "What a handsome man I am.". That day I stood there, smiling at myself, and the more I smiled the more it made me smile.
Imagine that. I feel wonderful most days now when I look in the mirror, or when I look down at my body, or when I run my hands over my skin. The emotional side of this transition has been just as wonderful. It has been a journey, and honestly not an easy one. The beginning, while taking hormones my emotions were everywhere. I didn't get angry as often as I used to, but how I felt about things, or how quickly I would cry, really just simply emotionally confused was obvious to me. The hormones were creating a lot of changes in my body and how I felt. I am much more comfortable with myself now. I have so many good days now it blows my mind when I stop to think about it.
I do work a lot, and I do wish I had more experience outside of work. I still find myself enjoying going to the mall just to have people look at me. Not that I'm suggesting everyone is staring at me, but to be around that many people and feel comfortable being out looking as I do is a foreign but exciting feeling for me. I am still not that comfortable interacting with strangers however. I'm still very conscious of giving myself away. I don't want anyone to miss-gender me, it has yet to happen and I don't want to know what it feels like. Well, I guess I don't want to be reminded of what it feels like. I've been miss-gendered for the majority of my life.
I had a lot of worries and fears before I started this a year ago. I couldn't foresee all of the things that were going to happen. I did expect a lot of bad things, and a difficult time of transition. While some of what I have gone through has been emotionally crushing, what I really didn't foresee at all was just how gratifying this whole process would be. How after my first day with makeup and female clothes on things felt better. After a few months on hormones an inner calm started to come over me, how each physical change those hormones did made me ecstatic. How even though nothing in my life made sense before, this transition did.
As the days go by and I become more comfortable and familiar with my body and emotions, I can finally be who I really am. I am the happiest I have ever been. I don't mean that in the way most people say it, like I graduated or I won an award or something. I mean I have an inner happiness like I have never experienced. Living as a man I was in constant turmoil, always wondering, worrying and being depressed over being a woman. Now living as a woman I don't think about living as a man at all.
I will eventually let go of the walls I have made for myself, eventually allow myself to truly feel like the woman I am. There will come a time when I have the confidence I feel everyone woman has just from being a woman. For now, I like myself. I have never been able to say that about myself before. I like the way I act, the things I say, the way I look, the general overall person I present. I can almost see myself eventually coming together as the woman I want to be. I'm even starting to see me as attractive, which seems unreal to me. I never thought I was attractive before.
There is something I keep thinking to myself. I remember has a child, when I was too young to feel the pressure from the outside world, I was an beautifully happy kid, always cheerful, always considerate, always welcoming of others. Over the years, when my confusion about who I am started to take it's toll all of that happiness went away and all that was left was bitter resentment and anger. I'm starting to believe I'm returning to that cheerful little child I was. My mother used to ask me over the years, "What happened to that happy little boy I used to have?" Well mom, that's the problem, you never had a happy little boy, you had a happy little girl. She's on her way back to say hello again, and she misses everyone, including herself.
Such a honest and heartfelt post, I hope the rest of your journey brings as much contentment and happiness xx.
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