Realizing Feelings

I watched a video a few days ago that gave me a new term to consider and it has started to mean a lot to me. It was a video of a young trans-woman talking briefly about her transition and she mentioned the idea of "emotional transition" that has stuck with me. In fact it has been what has been most on my mind since watching it. 

Just like the woman in this video said about herself, my physical transition has been what has been on my mind the most. Making sure I don't get mis-gendered, the changes the hormones have had and are having on my body, making decisions on surgeries and thinking about how I will manage to get them done. The idea of an emotional transition has never crossed my mind, or the truth or necessity of it anyway. The truth is, I never thought it was a part of my transition, or that it could be, or should be. In fact to think that I could or should change emotionally invalidated me, in my mind. Thinking, "shouldn't my feelings really be the only thing I have to cling to, and the rest is what I need to change?"

I am very grateful I watched that video. It has given me a sense of freedom. I no longer have to work within the confines of the person and emotions I used to have, or have now. I can start to become a new, different person that I love and am comfortable being, and being around people.

Who is this person? How do I do this? The physical transition is almost easy compared to this. With this I have no guidelines that I can readily see. All I have to work with is my own self, and to be honest, I haven't been a very good guide for myself in the past.

I have come to one hard fact, I have very serious internalized trans-phobia. It is so deep I don't know where to start thinking about it in order to unpack it all, let alone trying to think of what to write here. I do know I used to think all manner of horrible things about myself that were always related to knowing I was transgender. How many people in my life. and how many times, have I told I am not worthy of their love or affection or kindness. How many people have I let slip away from my life because I would think thoughts like "They don't want to talk to me." How many times have I told myself I am a pervert, a deviant, less then human. So many times I can't remember, all I can say is it has been all of my life, as long as I can possibly remember.

Writing that down speaks the gravity of the truth of it to me. All of my life I have thought these things about myself. Not just thought them, but truly, without a doubt, believed them. Twenty-something years of telling myself I am inadequate, that I am nothing, that I am something that isn't quite human, that doesn't belong with the rest of the world and will never, no, SHOULD never be loved.

If I were to talk to someone, or hear about someone that has felt this way for such a long time my heart would break for them. I would do anything I could to make that person feel better, if for nothing more then a few seconds, because no one deserves to feel that way about themselves... except me. That's how deep my self hatred, as a result of my own trans-phobia, runs.

How do I let this go and start to take pride in the trans-woman I am? To accept I am a part of humanity too. I am not part of the binary world view that is rampant in our society but I am still a person, maybe even a fairly decent person, and my place in this world is no less valid then anyone else's. I need to let go of this desire to be a cis woman. I will never be a cis woman, nothing I can do will ever change that. Instead of seeing that as a flaw, I need to start seeing it as a label of my strength. I am doing something that, to most people, is unfathomable. Imagine, I am drastically changing the body I was born with. I will eventually do so through the use of medication and surgery. The weight of my decision being overshadowed by the intense desire to do so. Whenever I had dissuaded myself in the past to start my transition I never thought "That's not me" or "I don't want that." or "I can't do that to my body.". It was always thoughts like "I'm sick." or "I'm a pervert." or "I can't do that to my parents."

All of those reasons are a result of my internalized trans-phobia. This seems to be the real, or at least beginning, of my emotional transition, learning how to not hate myself. I have, for the first time, accepted the fact (note "fact") that I have internal trans-phobia in a very real way. I have let the opinions of society, family, friends, loved ones, parents, the media shape how I see myself. How I love myself. Their opinions on sexuality, gender and gender roles being in direct conflict with who I was. 

I cannot let this go, I cannot forget about this tomorrow, or next week, or next month. I need to remember the real me is hiding under all of that fear and hatred. This is something that has been done to me, on purpose or not does not matter, and I need to never stop trying to undo it. 

It seems almost like a practice in philosophy to think of myself in this new light. The truth is it is a lesson in psychology. This is real, because it is real it can be fixed and god dammit, I am going to fix this.