There are a lot of songs that affect me in different ways. I guess that is sort of obvious considering how much music means to me. I have songs that are a part of my soul, like "Lateralus", songs that remind me of people, that remind me of different points in my life and that remind me of different emotions or sway them one way or another.
There is one song that, while it isn't amazing, it just had the right combination of lyrics and timing that has made it a song that hits me, makes me pause or cry or some effect every time I hear it.
The song "Drops of Jupiter" is roughly about a girl heading out into life to find out who she is. This song came out when I was making my decision to go to Atlanta, right at the moment that the truth of who I am was becoming overwhelmingly obvious to me, like a drum pounding in my chest, reaching a loudness that demanded I do something about it. It was a song that you couldn't get away from. If you turned on a radio it was playing, bars and clubs played it, video stores, game rooms, everywhere. I heard it most while at work, a gas station where I worked overnights and had nothing but time to think.
I used to, and still do, feel like that song is about me. How I associate the lyrics to me is difficult to explain so I'll try to explain my thoughts and emotions of how I interpret them. It seems like the girl in the song had to, from her own need, go away like she did, she came back understanding herself and the world around her much more. Also it seems the writer of the song understands why she left, sees the new person she has become and finds her even more beautiful for it. I imagine it isn't hard to figure out what I was feeling from the song with it explained like this. I seen it as my theme music, the anthem leading me into the journey I was about to go on.
What killed me the most back then, what made that song stick with me and why it makes me cry now is this. I remember I was the only one of my friends that liked that song, I was the only one with the interpretation that I had, I remembered getting teased about liking it, like guys do to their guy friends. What no one else knew, and what I was the only one that did know, what attached me to this song, was that I knew I was a girl. I knew this song was being sung to my heart, a part of me that I shared with no one else. I couldn't explain it to anyone, how I felt about the song, because I was afraid of explaining myself at the same time. So I hid my enjoyment of this song like I hid myself, making it even more my anthem. I wish people could have seen me as the girl in this song, I wished they would understand why I just picked up and left to Atlanta without a word, or a care for anyone's feelings.
I wanted so badly for someone in my life to be the author of that song, to sing it to me with a tear in their eye and understanding in their heart. Instead, all I got was quiet reflective enjoyment alone with this song, mirroring my feelings at the time and for so long after.
When I listen to this song now it causes two reactions. I summon the feelings of the lost, alone, young trans girl. I wonder how she managed to survive and in turn I marvel at her courage. If only I had the knowledge to go with that courage, perhaps then I wouldn't have eventually become so scared of myself that that courage wouldn't have faded.
I must admit, I very deeply desire that someone in my life now looks at me and sees me as the solid, centered, well rounded woman that is described in this song, though I doubt people do. In a materialistic world like ours, with money, Ph.D's and their trappings being the center of importance, there isn't much notice given to the intangible. I don't have much in life, my greatest achievement is a broad, worldly acceptance and understanding of the world and people around me. The result of trying to find myself in as many experiences as possible and available to me.
A short one because this is becoming very emotional for me.
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