Venom

Before I came out I was a fairly angry person. If you would have told me that then, I would have gotten angry while I denied it. I don't really want to call it that right now though either, back then I was lashing out. I felt trapped, judged and persecuted, the only thing I had left was to defend myself vehemently. It was also always covered in a cloud of emotion, I was acting on survival.

I don't feel right saying I was angry then because I'm angry right now and it's not the same as then.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about something I had said in a previous post. Over a week ago I mentioned how I had long hair and every single person in my life told me to cut it. It has been on my mind ever since. 

I loved my hair back then. I remember honestly feeling like it was the only part of me I didn't hate, which thinking back, makes complete sense because it was the only thing about me that was decidedly feminine. I took good care of it (until I started thinking only girls take care of their hair, and I had to keep the lie), I found it comforting, I used to snuggle up to my own hair when going to bed some times even. I loved it about me, and everyone, EV-ER-Y-ONE hated it about me. 

How many times did I hear, "get a haircut."? That fucking song was popular then too, "Get a haircut and get a real job.", you would swear I had a DJ following me around I heard that so much. I don't know how I managed to keep my hair for so long. I was in a constant stream of hits to my ego, I really, no exaggeration, didn't go a day without some negative reaction to my hair. 

How could something so simple cause people to just shut off their compassion and make sure you knew this is something they don't approve of? How the fuck does it effect you any way? Are you a fucking hair stylist and you want my money? Collecting hair for a wig? Back the fuck up.

God I wish I had the ability to stand up for myself then that I do now. Everyone's argument was always the same. "You look like a girl." That will show you the difference between people in newfoundland then and what they are like now. Back then the haters got the support, not the hated. 

I remember the day I cut my hair perfectly clearly,  it was 13 years ago. I remember sitting in the chair getting my hair cut. It was with a hairstylist who knew me and my family well enough. She was in my life so therefore she was one of the advocates of me getting my hair cut. I just sat there forcing smiles listing to this bitch tell me how it's about time I cut my hair, and I  look so much better now, etc etc. I felt awful. I felt like I just gave up part of my soul. The fact that I was finally breaking under the pressure was no small thing to me. I really felt empty after that. I cried the whole walk home, feeling the back of my head like an amputee victim. Then trying to suck it up before I walked into my house so I wouldn't have to explain to my parents why cutting my hair made me feel like I wasn't alive any more, like I was completely alone. Not just alone but alone because everyone wanted me by myself.

Was that everyone's goal? All these people that made fun of me and my hair, was that what you wanted, to make me feel like that? These ignorant simpletons have caused me years and years of pain, self doubt, self hate, lost friendships, lost relationships...

Who were these simpletons? Teachers, friends, cousins, brothers, parents, aunts, uncles, counsellors, girlfriends, store clerks, complete strangers, bank tellers, employers the list goes on.. Ignorance and conformity claiming every one of them. 

I want to find all of these people and yell at them until it makes them feel all of my pain. See if any of them give a fuck about the torture they inflicted on me over such a small stupid thing. Are any of them going to die thinking "I haven't done much in my life but at least I got that kid to cut her (I guess they'd say "his") hair in 2000."

Fuck you, fuck all of you people who think everyone/anyone needs to conform with the way you want your life to be. Fuck you people who are too simple minded to be able to handle someone different walking into your sterilized life. What would any of you do if you had to go through what you forced me to go through, where would you be?

I like to think I'm stronger then you, and you'd be in the ground now, weakling.

Struggle Within

After barely getting something written yesterday I spent most of what was left of my night thinking about what sort of things I could write about. As I've said, one of the main reasons I'm writing this blog is for new TG's to be able to see another TG going through what they are going through. I have been there and it can help you feel not so alone to know others are feeling the same as you.

So this post is directed toward the trans that are right at the cusp so to speak. People who are right now, or very soon will be thinking of every possible outcome of telling the one person you've decided to tell first. All my years not telling anyone has been a burden, and has done it's significant damage, but the few weeks to a month right before I told my partner was unbelievably hard. Forcing myself to face my biggest fear and enemy triggered every single "survival mode" thought that I could have. 

I very carefully selected who the first person I told was. It seems like I didn't, like I told my partner because she was the one who was around at the time, but that is not the case. If I didn't think she was the one, I would have eventually left, either the relationship or this world. 

Chances are you out there are doing, or have done, the same. If not, I don't know how to help you find someone, I'm sorry. There is a very good chance though you have one friend you can tell, one friend that doesn't think this is "weird" or has stuck with you through difficult times in the past. Drama free and practical, those were important qualities for me to find. If you can't find a friend, or family member there are always professionals. It is amazing how much less hard it is after telling just one person. Just to say those words to someone, anyone, will be somewhat relieving.

Like I said, I'm a little more talking to those who are on the edge of telling someone. I remember the constant, intense back and forth I would do. I'll tell her, no I'll leave.. no I'll tell her, no I'd be better of dead, maybe I'll tell her, leave, and die. The hardest thing about it is I still wasn't sure I was right. At that time I only had my feelings and years and years of utter depression. 

So how did I do it, and what did I find out along the way? Well how I've kinda mentioned before. Like I said I still wasn't sure, but I did have to reach a point that I felt like it was more true then false, that I am transgender. I realized I had finally started to believe that one day I was talking to my brother. He was going through a hard period in his life at the time and through talking he professed to me, "I hate myself." (he seems to be ok now, btw.) I felt for him right away, I know what it's like to hate yourself, and I'd hazard to say on a different level then the self hate he was going through, not to diminish his feelings, of course. I didn't know what to say because it was one of those times where I felt like if I said too much I'd give myself away. What I did find myself saying was crazy enough. I looked at him with as much compassion as I could past the sadness of the reality I was thinking about and said "I know how you feel trust me. Maybe I'll tell you some time."

I couldn't believe I had just said that. I understood what I was saying the moment after I said it. That little sentence was the most ever that I have ever given anyone any idea of the turmoil going on inside me. It also made me realize, I'm doing this, I'm going to start telling people. It managed to show me a little something else too, it felt good to tell someone even a little, "ya know, I'm not ok." but I also felt bad that I had not told him all of it. I remember getting in the car and thinking "I'll be back to talk about that."

That conversation was about six or seven months ago. As minor as it was, it was the crack in the shell that ultimately broke it open. I would think back to that moment from time to time tell myself I decided then to tell someone. My task now was to get the courage to tell my partner. 

I didn't feel when that change happened, when my constant self arguing switched from "Am I transgender or not?" to "How will I possibly tell someone?" but I do remember noticing that it had. That gave me courage. 

How did I get there? Well for me it was a long time. Ever since I could search for information on the internet I looked for anything related to being transgender. So approximately from 1998 until four to six months ago, that's all it took to convince myself...

Seriously though, I would constantly look for, well, things like this blog. People talking about their transgender experience, the effects of hormones, how to get hormones, all sorts of things. I would love looking at pictures of very passable trans-women, I thought they were just perfect. I'd also compare them to myself, like they are roughly my height/weight or my age or what ever just to feel even a little bit like them, the slightest bit of validation.

I didn't just look up information about being transgender, I looked up so many other possibilities. Maybe I'm not transgender, maybe I'm *this*, or maybe *this* happened. 

Before I started talking about those I want to say. Unfortunately after I came out was when I started seeing these excuses in other people and realizing, "Oh god, same here!." They are almost always written by trans people after they came out, perhaps like myself, they only seen them for what they were after they had the clarity to look back. Of course, I'd also say few struggling, in the closet transgender's are creating blogs to write about it. Anyway...

I'd look up ideas like, maybe I was born a hermaphrodite and my parents made a decision, or I had some surgery in some way. (the vein that goes from your penis to your anus being my "scar") I used to sexualise my transition often, in fact it became my biggest fantasy eventually. So I'd tell myself often that that was all it was, a sexual fantasy I haven't had the chance to do. That was my biggest blocker to my accepting I was trans, how much I turned it into fantasy. Linked to that I'd tell myself I was "just" a transvestite, or just a guy who likes panties.

Other excuses I used to come up with are:
I'm submissive (bdsm submissive) in bed, I just want to be told to do that
I'm gay and the only way I feel ok with it is if I'm a woman, so I'm not really trans, I'm just gay and I need to get over "not wanting to be gay" and then I'll be ok with being a gay man.
I've done poorly in life so I'm just using this as an "out" of some kind.
I'm jealous of women, so I just want to be one.

I'd come up with more with time,I'm sure.

There was one sentence I read while going through someone's blog that I wish I read 5-10 years ago. I read it somewhere around starting to come out. It was something like,

"Cis people don't spend their entire lives asking themselves if they are transgender."

Brilliant. Of course that only applies to those like me who come out late in life. And while I can't say with 100% certainty it's a true statement, it sure feels like it. Either way it was enough to convince me. It really was that combination of words that started to make things click.

I've been asking this question to myself as long as I can remember and I've been trying to work with every answer other then the one I'm mostly sure is true. I realize I've lived with and attached myself to doubt my entire life. It became my little motto for a while, "I've tried doubt all this time, it is time to try something else."

I hope that helped someone. I'd like to think if I read something like this post a few years ago, I would have been more sure of myself sooner. Seeing the familiarities of my thoughts and excuses would have help greatly.

I'm going to give some direct advice, which I usually like to avoid. If much of this resonates with you find someone to talk to. A friend, a doctor, a therapist, family member, trans support groups (there are lots online, and most likely some in your community.) or random trans people online, chat rooms etc are easy to find. Who ever it is, find someone to talk to.

Feel Me

I've been poking around my blog here trying to come up with something to write about for most of the day off and on. I seen my therapist today and I guess talking to her filled my "express myself" need for the day and I just haven't gotten the juices flowing.

I came across my post last month about feeling pretty for roughly the first time, so with the lack of much else to talk about I thought I'd give an update of sorts about my feelings.

I'm not sure how much the hormones have to do directly with bringing out my emotions, or feelings or whatever in the same sense that they are directly changing my skin. It's a bit of a chicken and the egg sort of situation. Am I able to feel more now because that's an effect of the estrogen, or is it because the other obvious effect it has has quieted my head enough that I can feel them more closely?

I'm inclined to think more the latter. There have been lots of subtle changes in me that make me think so. For example colors (wait a bit for those who know me to stop laughing) I'm "seeing" more colors now. I was even told the same by another trans person "colors will become more beautiful." or something like that, and I wasn't convinced, but it's somewhat true I'm seeing more colors.

Here's the truth though, I'm not black/white color blind but I have like.... seven colors on my palette lol. An exaggeration, of course, but my color vision is poor. I don't see more colors, I CARE about colors now. It matters to me what colors I'm wearing because of how they match me, or each other, or how some colors just look better in places then others... what ever. I'm still mix and matching the same seven colors, but I'm aware there are seven now, not black, white, grey +2.

What ever the case may be ultimately it has come down to a quieting of my dysphoria. Now that it isn't in the driver seat as much, or as often, it is basically freeing up my mind to be concerned about other things. I guess I'm the one who has made my own feelings my priority but it is the first time I have had access to them and I'm deciding to listen to them.

Some strange things too. For example I have always liked watching combat, I'm a fan of martial arts, whatever, and I still do. But I really can't handle watching butchery any more, or torture, the gratuitous gore and pain that you see in whichever media you turn on. My partner was watching something that I normally would have watched just too see what happened, but I couldn't even look at the screen, I didn't even want to hear what was going on.

I'm not sure if this belongs with feelings but I really have the desire to be social now. That is a complete turn around for me. Kinda related to that is video games. I've played my PS3 to death, poor thing, but these days I feel barely inclined to pick it up. I've watched more netflix in the last week then I have the entire year.

I guess that doesn't really sound like feelings but it's what I'm using to judge. I come downstairs, no one's home, I look at the PS3 and go... naahh. and flick on something to watch. Same with a lot of things. Things that may mean nothing to others but are great to me. Like not shaving my legs.... right. It wasn't long ago that if I felt my legs needed to be shaved there was no waiting until tomorrow, it got done now. Today for example, I was going to get a shower and I felt my leg and sure enough I needed to shave.

But I had stuff to do, and I was feeling lazy so, meh. Tomorrow.

Something as simple as that would trigger my dysphoria before. I'd start thinking things like "Why aren't you shaving your legs? Not much of a girl." feeling like I had to prove it to myself or I was proving I wasn't and that would spiral to a not happy place.

I'm much more relaxed now. Every thing I do isn't proving something to me about myself. In that calm I'm starting to organize my thoughts and emotions. From each other if nothing else.With the dysphoria at bay it has allowed me to do that, it wasn't so easy before. After talking to my therapist I've realized as the dysphoria goes away I'm slowly starting to make an identity for myself, finally.

Ugh, I feel like I'm struggling today so I'm going to stop here. I'd almost like to leave this an open post some how because the wonderful "new me" emotions I have are frequent but fleeting at this stage, it is difficult to remember good examples.

The Silent Conductor

If you look around on just about any forum or blog related to trans issues there are a few common themes among all the stories. Just about every TG talks about sacrifices they have had to make for their transition. I felt a little guilt, to be honest, that I have lost nothing since coming out. I've had no negative reactions from family or friends, I've even gained more then I had before.

Even my transition itself has been rapid and without many problems. I came out five months ago and I've been full time now roughly three weeks. Four months and the change is fairly drastic. It seems it's fairly surprising to people who know me, but I couldn't have it any other way. At the beginning of my transition if I could see any of the old me while presenting female it wasn't good enough.

I'm off track again. I was talking to my partner about where I am in life right now, basically. I was feeling down because, well, I don't have much. Not to draw a line down the family home but I brought little more then my baggage to this house, (literally and figuratively). I have no job now, and my career doesn't seem like something I'm going to be falling back on. Even emotionally and sexually I feel like I'm brand new, I don't bring much real world experience with either of those things any more.

She started to explain to me how I put myself in this situation. Yes I have nothing, but I am also starting over again, a clean slate so to speak. As she said it "Your brain was looking out for you even if you weren't."

That started to make me understand my past a little (itsy-bit) more. I guess she's right, I made my sacrifices before coming out, even if I didn't realize it. I wonder if that is something the brain actually does, if so I think I'm a good example.

Leaving your past behind is something a lot of trans people do. I've been told of people who, partially through transitioning, just left their... everything. Spouses, kids, careers, family, friends all left either in some combination or all of them by different transgender people. I see the appeal, even now. All of those things are a stark reminder of a time you want to forget. I sacrificed my past long ago, and I didn't bother starting to make a future. In fact my last 15 years or so is a series of building a small amount of friends and connections and just walking away from all of them at once.

I know I'm young so I take this at least a little more lightly then it sounds but I sacrificed my future as well. My education being a good example. Excuse the mild boasting but I think I'm rather intelligent, creative, a problem solver, several things to have been well educated and, well, at least accomplish that. My problem was I didn't want to apply any of that to something like school. The only education I was interested in was self education and I used everything around me to do it. I jumped around to every possible course you could think of in university and it took me a while but I found out I wasn't finding what I wanted there. I realized I wasn't going to find it in any school system. I had to experience life which caused me to head to Atlanta.

I don't know if what I did with my education is directly linked to my financial situation, but I suppose they could be. Even if not I made some sacrifices there too. I never had a steady job, difficult to do when you are leaving groups of people at a time. Also, as I started being more destructive to myself, I became more difficult employee. I may have burned some bridges, but I may have done that to myself on purpose.

I just see how all of these things would not have been if I wasn't TG, but my partner looked at it another way. I did all the things I've done to set myself for this transition. I stopped going to school before my debt became much. I haven't settled down in any way so I didn't get a large group of friends and connections to have to explain this to. I don't have a career I have to worry about ruining because they may or may not accept me. In the long run everything I've done was preparing myself for my transition, even if I didn't consciously make the decision.

A part of me still needs to get over how I've had little choice. Not to abolish myself of any responsibility but I didn't choose to be transgender, and I guess I didn't really have much choice on how to deal with it. I wish I came out earlier, but I have no reason to think that would have been better. It just appeals to me now because I would rather have felt like this for more of my life then not, I feel a little cheated.

There's a lot more to this then would be coherent to write down. I keep having memories of decisions and results and how they relate to be transgender. As one friend put it "It explains a lot.". I would say that before, but honestly I was always thinking from their perspective. It explains that much more to myself, and I'm seeing it now that I'm starting to look.

My older friends have asked what I've been doing over the last 15 years. My newer friends probably wonder about my past. I normally sum it up with "I've been figuring myself out." But this is what I've been doing. Going from pocket to pocket of people and lifestyles trying to understand who I am.

I'm at a time in peoples lives that they have honed or at least started to sharpen their expertise either by mistake or on purpose. It seems to me the only expertise I've honed is self reflection, and even that statement seems a little shady to me as I find out more and more that I don't know about myself.

I guess I should be grateful for the life I have apparently orchestrated. I have a supporting partner and family but little to no ties to much of any else. I can choose my career from here, my lifestyle, my friends. I can learn who I am with little pressure from the outside world. I think the key thing I need to remember is I haven't been transitioning for five months, it has been all of my life. This is how the music is played, now I'm performing the crescendo.

Let Her Cry

I've mentioned before how often when I'm having a worse then usual day I come out at the end of it with some sort of silver lining. Yesterday's post was a rather emotionally charged post for me, and it was a hard day but a little something else happened at the same time and I am better for it. I was going to write about this yesterday, but well then things happened.

A few days ago now I woke up fairly slowly, rolling over to snuggle my blanket for two minutes before getting out of bed. When I did I sort of snuggled myself. I was naked and I started running my hands all over my skin.

It felt so... comfortable. I've mentioned before that, right now at least, the change in my skin is the biggest thing that makes me feel feminine. Usually though, I don't feel feminine when naked, but that morning I did. I practically hugged myself with such a content smile on my face, I loved the feeling I was having. Like my body is starting to feel right.

It was the same day I found my breasts more sensitive, and like I said those feelings tend not to stick around. I spend most of my time dressed though so I felt feminine most of the day and even off and on while naked or partially naked.

It was a difficult day yesterday. I talked to one old friend and it went well, but the day was filled with a lot of hard memories and thoughts, very emotional. It was late last night after I started to settle down a bit I realized I felt feminine the whole time, I still did. Usually that sort of emotional day the dysphoria can get it's grip easily if not for sure. I didn't really waver much this time. This time I just felt sad, I was a sad woman.

That was a revelation. It wasn't even it's usual "staggering" it just felt good. I analyze myself like I'm trouble-shooting a computer and seeing that I was feminine while so upset was reassuring. I really feel the dysphoria slipping away now and a bad day like that with such a safe underlining feeling shines the spotlight on it for me.

I've heard other TG before talk about the dysphoria just "going away" after starting HRT. Most of them didn't say, that I recall, but I usually got the impression they felt it all but instantly. I'm on my fourth month of HRT now and the dysphoria is starting o just go away, and quite honestly it feels relatively instant compared to how long it has been a part of me.

I can't say it's all gone, I would imagine it will be all gone for a while before I actually notice it, but when I do it'll be an emotional day. This is a burden I've had with me all of my life to finally be free of it's weight will be.. well I don't know. I'll describe it when it happens.

My partner finds it hard to watch me on days like yesterday. I spent most of the day crying, at one point I looked down to the floor to see a puddle of tears, not a lot of splats all over, a puddle I soaked up with a towel. I tell her it's ok, I want days like this. I've learned the value of being sad about something, or myself. Often it leads me to the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel." Besides that, it feels amazing to feel again. It felt so good to just feel sad for lost friends, like you should, rather then hating myself for it. It felt good to just cry and not feel like I shouldn't be. I'm starting to enjoy the full spectrum of emotions, and I'm starting to want to, finally.

Terrestrial Alien

I feel like a broken human being this morning. Not the broken that comes from torture or something but "broken' like something isn't working right.

There are a few things today that are contributing to this feeling. First of all, yesterday I tried to get in contact with the majority of my high school friends through facebook. It was, and still is very difficult. It was one of those moments I just shut my eyes and went on. I haven't spoken to these people in 15 years, and 15 years ago I just walked away, no good-bye's, no I'll see you soon, not even a "hey did I mention I'm leaving?". I didn't even do that for most of my family. One day they were talking to me, the next I was in another country.

I felt just as bad then as I do now. I cared about them all but didn't think they cared about me enough for me to try to explain what I was going through (self hate, the helmsman). The only reason I can bring myself to come back to them and say I'm sorry is because I'm transitioning so I have something to show them.

I very deeply want to talk to them, tell them about me, maybe help explain why I was the way I was. I want people who knew me such a long time ago, who were my best friends, to finally get to know ME. Mainly I want acceptance from the people that accepted me before against all odds. I'm so scared to ask for it though.

Facebook isn't much of a measuring stick but I see from it that all of my friends seem to really have their shit together. Thirty-five years old and they are sitting comfortably in life, letting it go around them, taking what they need/want as they desire. I feel like I'm six years old struggling to make sense of anything and wanting so desperately to grow up.

I just don't want to fight anymore, with myself, my partner, with imaginary encounters. I keep preparing myself to defend myself against what my friends may say, things I have no reason to think they would. I used to feel very, aggressive for lack of better words, when it came to things I believed in, including defending myself.  The last few weeks my feelings about that have changed, I have no more points to prove, no desire to make people think I'm right. I just want to live life, not prove my personality, or my beliefs, or desires, or my gender. I feel like I have a different perspective on life, I think that's fair to say. Before, I would want to tell everyone that perspective, now I just want to make it make sense to me and feel free of any obligation to make it make sense to anyone else.

So as a person this morning, I feel quite lacking. There is more to this feeling today too. Last night and this morning I was intimate with my partner, the first time in a while. I enjoyed it, more then I have in the past to be honest. I even got an erection, the first time in several weeks, and for a moment I thought "Hey not bad, I can be turned on still." but it was quickly followed by what I think is left of my dysphoria. I felt awful that it felt good, I felt like that is a feeling I didn't want to feel, the physical feeling of being hard. Then my partner started caressing me and it felt.... I can't describe it... electric. It felt so good, and it has been so long, that I started to cry.

 All of those emotions at the same time about my erection and being touched was really too much. When my mind inevitably brought the thoughts about my friends into the equation I felt broken. It feels like nothing about me works the way it should. I know I'm not like the majority of humans, I know my emotions are clouded, I know I don't really fit with the rest of the world.

I just want to stop feeling it.

HRT Effect Update

The one thing that has been "behind" in developing for me are my breasts, I have a small A so its not like I have nothing, but them becoming more sensitive is usually one of the first changes you start to notice. As I have mentioned, that's not the case for me.

However, it started today. Well I guess it started yesterday. Going to bed last night I thought my nipples felt more sensitive but I wasn't convinced. While in the shower though, as I turned around to reach for something  the hot water on my breasts felt the heat much more. The rest felt wet, the area almost perfectly covering my breasts felt hot. I wasn't doing it on purpose and I turned away from the water with the speed of someone not intending on being in it anyway but the sensation surprised me. I went back in to test it, and yep, more sensitive.

So I'm pretty happy today. I actually felt feminine while naked today, that is a first for me. I do wish I knew for sure that these feelings will stay around, but they don't always. I find I need to feel them a few times before I really start believing it.

Anyway, a quick one today, take care :)