Let Her Cry

I've mentioned before how often when I'm having a worse then usual day I come out at the end of it with some sort of silver lining. Yesterday's post was a rather emotionally charged post for me, and it was a hard day but a little something else happened at the same time and I am better for it. I was going to write about this yesterday, but well then things happened.

A few days ago now I woke up fairly slowly, rolling over to snuggle my blanket for two minutes before getting out of bed. When I did I sort of snuggled myself. I was naked and I started running my hands all over my skin.

It felt so... comfortable. I've mentioned before that, right now at least, the change in my skin is the biggest thing that makes me feel feminine. Usually though, I don't feel feminine when naked, but that morning I did. I practically hugged myself with such a content smile on my face, I loved the feeling I was having. Like my body is starting to feel right.

It was the same day I found my breasts more sensitive, and like I said those feelings tend not to stick around. I spend most of my time dressed though so I felt feminine most of the day and even off and on while naked or partially naked.

It was a difficult day yesterday. I talked to one old friend and it went well, but the day was filled with a lot of hard memories and thoughts, very emotional. It was late last night after I started to settle down a bit I realized I felt feminine the whole time, I still did. Usually that sort of emotional day the dysphoria can get it's grip easily if not for sure. I didn't really waver much this time. This time I just felt sad, I was a sad woman.

That was a revelation. It wasn't even it's usual "staggering" it just felt good. I analyze myself like I'm trouble-shooting a computer and seeing that I was feminine while so upset was reassuring. I really feel the dysphoria slipping away now and a bad day like that with such a safe underlining feeling shines the spotlight on it for me.

I've heard other TG before talk about the dysphoria just "going away" after starting HRT. Most of them didn't say, that I recall, but I usually got the impression they felt it all but instantly. I'm on my fourth month of HRT now and the dysphoria is starting o just go away, and quite honestly it feels relatively instant compared to how long it has been a part of me.

I can't say it's all gone, I would imagine it will be all gone for a while before I actually notice it, but when I do it'll be an emotional day. This is a burden I've had with me all of my life to finally be free of it's weight will be.. well I don't know. I'll describe it when it happens.

My partner finds it hard to watch me on days like yesterday. I spent most of the day crying, at one point I looked down to the floor to see a puddle of tears, not a lot of splats all over, a puddle I soaked up with a towel. I tell her it's ok, I want days like this. I've learned the value of being sad about something, or myself. Often it leads me to the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel." Besides that, it feels amazing to feel again. It felt so good to just feel sad for lost friends, like you should, rather then hating myself for it. It felt good to just cry and not feel like I shouldn't be. I'm starting to enjoy the full spectrum of emotions, and I'm starting to want to, finally.