If you look around on just about any forum or blog related to trans issues there are a few common themes among all the stories. Just about every TG talks about sacrifices they have had to make for their transition. I felt a little guilt, to be honest, that I have lost nothing since coming out. I've had no negative reactions from family or friends, I've even gained more then I had before.
Even my transition itself has been rapid and without many problems. I came out five months ago and I've been full time now roughly three weeks. Four months and the change is fairly drastic. It seems it's fairly surprising to people who know me, but I couldn't have it any other way. At the beginning of my transition if I could see any of the old me while presenting female it wasn't good enough.
I'm off track again. I was talking to my partner about where I am in life right now, basically. I was feeling down because, well, I don't have much. Not to draw a line down the family home but I brought little more then my baggage to this house, (literally and figuratively). I have no job now, and my career doesn't seem like something I'm going to be falling back on. Even emotionally and sexually I feel like I'm brand new, I don't bring much real world experience with either of those things any more.
She started to explain to me how I put myself in this situation. Yes I have nothing, but I am also starting over again, a clean slate so to speak. As she said it "Your brain was looking out for you even if you weren't."
That started to make me understand my past a little (itsy-bit) more. I guess she's right, I made my sacrifices before coming out, even if I didn't realize it. I wonder if that is something the brain actually does, if so I think I'm a good example.
Leaving your past behind is something a lot of trans people do. I've been told of people who, partially through transitioning, just left their... everything. Spouses, kids, careers, family, friends all left either in some combination or all of them by different transgender people. I see the appeal, even now. All of those things are a stark reminder of a time you want to forget. I sacrificed my past long ago, and I didn't bother starting to make a future. In fact my last 15 years or so is a series of building a small amount of friends and connections and just walking away from all of them at once.
I know I'm young so I take this at least a little more lightly then it sounds but I sacrificed my future as well. My education being a good example. Excuse the mild boasting but I think I'm rather intelligent, creative, a problem solver, several things to have been well educated and, well, at least accomplish that. My problem was I didn't want to apply any of that to something like school. The only education I was interested in was self education and I used everything around me to do it. I jumped around to every possible course you could think of in university and it took me a while but I found out I wasn't finding what I wanted there. I realized I wasn't going to find it in any school system. I had to experience life which caused me to head to Atlanta.
I don't know if what I did with my education is directly linked to my financial situation, but I suppose they could be. Even if not I made some sacrifices there too. I never had a steady job, difficult to do when you are leaving groups of people at a time. Also, as I started being more destructive to myself, I became more difficult employee. I may have burned some bridges, but I may have done that to myself on purpose.
I just see how all of these things would not have been if I wasn't TG, but my partner looked at it another way. I did all the things I've done to set myself for this transition. I stopped going to school before my debt became much. I haven't settled down in any way so I didn't get a large group of friends and connections to have to explain this to. I don't have a career I have to worry about ruining because they may or may not accept me. In the long run everything I've done was preparing myself for my transition, even if I didn't consciously make the decision.
A part of me still needs to get over how I've had little choice. Not to abolish myself of any responsibility but I didn't choose to be transgender, and I guess I didn't really have much choice on how to deal with it. I wish I came out earlier, but I have no reason to think that would have been better. It just appeals to me now because I would rather have felt like this for more of my life then not, I feel a little cheated.
There's a lot more to this then would be coherent to write down. I keep having memories of decisions and results and how they relate to be transgender. As one friend put it "It explains a lot.". I would say that before, but honestly I was always thinking from their perspective. It explains that much more to myself, and I'm seeing it now that I'm starting to look.
My older friends have asked what I've been doing over the last 15 years. My newer friends probably wonder about my past. I normally sum it up with "I've been figuring myself out." But this is what I've been doing. Going from pocket to pocket of people and lifestyles trying to understand who I am.
I'm at a time in peoples lives that they have honed or at least started to sharpen their expertise either by mistake or on purpose. It seems to me the only expertise I've honed is self reflection, and even that statement seems a little shady to me as I find out more and more that I don't know about myself.
I guess I should be grateful for the life I have apparently orchestrated. I have a supporting partner and family but little to no ties to much of any else. I can choose my career from here, my lifestyle, my friends. I can learn who I am with little pressure from the outside world. I think the key thing I need to remember is I haven't been transitioning for five months, it has been all of my life. This is how the music is played, now I'm performing the crescendo.
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