Struggle Within

After barely getting something written yesterday I spent most of what was left of my night thinking about what sort of things I could write about. As I've said, one of the main reasons I'm writing this blog is for new TG's to be able to see another TG going through what they are going through. I have been there and it can help you feel not so alone to know others are feeling the same as you.

So this post is directed toward the trans that are right at the cusp so to speak. People who are right now, or very soon will be thinking of every possible outcome of telling the one person you've decided to tell first. All my years not telling anyone has been a burden, and has done it's significant damage, but the few weeks to a month right before I told my partner was unbelievably hard. Forcing myself to face my biggest fear and enemy triggered every single "survival mode" thought that I could have. 

I very carefully selected who the first person I told was. It seems like I didn't, like I told my partner because she was the one who was around at the time, but that is not the case. If I didn't think she was the one, I would have eventually left, either the relationship or this world. 

Chances are you out there are doing, or have done, the same. If not, I don't know how to help you find someone, I'm sorry. There is a very good chance though you have one friend you can tell, one friend that doesn't think this is "weird" or has stuck with you through difficult times in the past. Drama free and practical, those were important qualities for me to find. If you can't find a friend, or family member there are always professionals. It is amazing how much less hard it is after telling just one person. Just to say those words to someone, anyone, will be somewhat relieving.

Like I said, I'm a little more talking to those who are on the edge of telling someone. I remember the constant, intense back and forth I would do. I'll tell her, no I'll leave.. no I'll tell her, no I'd be better of dead, maybe I'll tell her, leave, and die. The hardest thing about it is I still wasn't sure I was right. At that time I only had my feelings and years and years of utter depression. 

So how did I do it, and what did I find out along the way? Well how I've kinda mentioned before. Like I said I still wasn't sure, but I did have to reach a point that I felt like it was more true then false, that I am transgender. I realized I had finally started to believe that one day I was talking to my brother. He was going through a hard period in his life at the time and through talking he professed to me, "I hate myself." (he seems to be ok now, btw.) I felt for him right away, I know what it's like to hate yourself, and I'd hazard to say on a different level then the self hate he was going through, not to diminish his feelings, of course. I didn't know what to say because it was one of those times where I felt like if I said too much I'd give myself away. What I did find myself saying was crazy enough. I looked at him with as much compassion as I could past the sadness of the reality I was thinking about and said "I know how you feel trust me. Maybe I'll tell you some time."

I couldn't believe I had just said that. I understood what I was saying the moment after I said it. That little sentence was the most ever that I have ever given anyone any idea of the turmoil going on inside me. It also made me realize, I'm doing this, I'm going to start telling people. It managed to show me a little something else too, it felt good to tell someone even a little, "ya know, I'm not ok." but I also felt bad that I had not told him all of it. I remember getting in the car and thinking "I'll be back to talk about that."

That conversation was about six or seven months ago. As minor as it was, it was the crack in the shell that ultimately broke it open. I would think back to that moment from time to time tell myself I decided then to tell someone. My task now was to get the courage to tell my partner. 

I didn't feel when that change happened, when my constant self arguing switched from "Am I transgender or not?" to "How will I possibly tell someone?" but I do remember noticing that it had. That gave me courage. 

How did I get there? Well for me it was a long time. Ever since I could search for information on the internet I looked for anything related to being transgender. So approximately from 1998 until four to six months ago, that's all it took to convince myself...

Seriously though, I would constantly look for, well, things like this blog. People talking about their transgender experience, the effects of hormones, how to get hormones, all sorts of things. I would love looking at pictures of very passable trans-women, I thought they were just perfect. I'd also compare them to myself, like they are roughly my height/weight or my age or what ever just to feel even a little bit like them, the slightest bit of validation.

I didn't just look up information about being transgender, I looked up so many other possibilities. Maybe I'm not transgender, maybe I'm *this*, or maybe *this* happened. 

Before I started talking about those I want to say. Unfortunately after I came out was when I started seeing these excuses in other people and realizing, "Oh god, same here!." They are almost always written by trans people after they came out, perhaps like myself, they only seen them for what they were after they had the clarity to look back. Of course, I'd also say few struggling, in the closet transgender's are creating blogs to write about it. Anyway...

I'd look up ideas like, maybe I was born a hermaphrodite and my parents made a decision, or I had some surgery in some way. (the vein that goes from your penis to your anus being my "scar") I used to sexualise my transition often, in fact it became my biggest fantasy eventually. So I'd tell myself often that that was all it was, a sexual fantasy I haven't had the chance to do. That was my biggest blocker to my accepting I was trans, how much I turned it into fantasy. Linked to that I'd tell myself I was "just" a transvestite, or just a guy who likes panties.

Other excuses I used to come up with are:
I'm submissive (bdsm submissive) in bed, I just want to be told to do that
I'm gay and the only way I feel ok with it is if I'm a woman, so I'm not really trans, I'm just gay and I need to get over "not wanting to be gay" and then I'll be ok with being a gay man.
I've done poorly in life so I'm just using this as an "out" of some kind.
I'm jealous of women, so I just want to be one.

I'd come up with more with time,I'm sure.

There was one sentence I read while going through someone's blog that I wish I read 5-10 years ago. I read it somewhere around starting to come out. It was something like,

"Cis people don't spend their entire lives asking themselves if they are transgender."

Brilliant. Of course that only applies to those like me who come out late in life. And while I can't say with 100% certainty it's a true statement, it sure feels like it. Either way it was enough to convince me. It really was that combination of words that started to make things click.

I've been asking this question to myself as long as I can remember and I've been trying to work with every answer other then the one I'm mostly sure is true. I realize I've lived with and attached myself to doubt my entire life. It became my little motto for a while, "I've tried doubt all this time, it is time to try something else."

I hope that helped someone. I'd like to think if I read something like this post a few years ago, I would have been more sure of myself sooner. Seeing the familiarities of my thoughts and excuses would have help greatly.

I'm going to give some direct advice, which I usually like to avoid. If much of this resonates with you find someone to talk to. A friend, a doctor, a therapist, family member, trans support groups (there are lots online, and most likely some in your community.) or random trans people online, chat rooms etc are easy to find. Who ever it is, find someone to talk to.