I don't feel right saying I was angry then because I'm angry right now and it's not the same as then.
I was laying in bed last night thinking about something I had said in a previous post. Over a week ago I mentioned how I had long hair and every single person in my life told me to cut it. It has been on my mind ever since.
I loved my hair back then. I remember honestly feeling like it was the only part of me I didn't hate, which thinking back, makes complete sense because it was the only thing about me that was decidedly feminine. I took good care of it (until I started thinking only girls take care of their hair, and I had to keep the lie), I found it comforting, I used to snuggle up to my own hair when going to bed some times even. I loved it about me, and everyone, EV-ER-Y-ONE hated it about me.
How many times did I hear, "get a haircut."? That fucking song was popular then too, "Get a haircut and get a real job.", you would swear I had a DJ following me around I heard that so much. I don't know how I managed to keep my hair for so long. I was in a constant stream of hits to my ego, I really, no exaggeration, didn't go a day without some negative reaction to my hair.
How could something so simple cause people to just shut off their compassion and make sure you knew this is something they don't approve of? How the fuck does it effect you any way? Are you a fucking hair stylist and you want my money? Collecting hair for a wig? Back the fuck up.
God I wish I had the ability to stand up for myself then that I do now. Everyone's argument was always the same. "You look like a girl." That will show you the difference between people in newfoundland then and what they are like now. Back then the haters got the support, not the hated.
I remember the day I cut my hair perfectly clearly, it was 13 years ago. I remember sitting in the chair getting my hair cut. It was with a hairstylist who knew me and my family well enough. She was in my life so therefore she was one of the advocates of me getting my hair cut. I just sat there forcing smiles listing to this bitch tell me how it's about time I cut my hair, and I look so much better now, etc etc. I felt awful. I felt like I just gave up part of my soul. The fact that I was finally breaking under the pressure was no small thing to me. I really felt empty after that. I cried the whole walk home, feeling the back of my head like an amputee victim. Then trying to suck it up before I walked into my house so I wouldn't have to explain to my parents why cutting my hair made me feel like I wasn't alive any more, like I was completely alone. Not just alone but alone because everyone wanted me by myself.
Was that everyone's goal? All these people that made fun of me and my hair, was that what you wanted, to make me feel like that? These ignorant simpletons have caused me years and years of pain, self doubt, self hate, lost friendships, lost relationships...
Who were these simpletons? Teachers, friends, cousins, brothers, parents, aunts, uncles, counsellors, girlfriends, store clerks, complete strangers, bank tellers, employers the list goes on.. Ignorance and conformity claiming every one of them.
I want to find all of these people and yell at them until it makes them feel all of my pain. See if any of them give a fuck about the torture they inflicted on me over such a small stupid thing. Are any of them going to die thinking "I haven't done much in my life but at least I got that kid to cut her (I guess they'd say "his") hair in 2000."
Fuck you, fuck all of you people who think everyone/anyone needs to conform with the way you want your life to be. Fuck you people who are too simple minded to be able to handle someone different walking into your sterilized life. What would any of you do if you had to go through what you forced me to go through, where would you be?
I like to think I'm stronger then you, and you'd be in the ground now, weakling.
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