Terrestrial Alien

I feel like a broken human being this morning. Not the broken that comes from torture or something but "broken' like something isn't working right.

There are a few things today that are contributing to this feeling. First of all, yesterday I tried to get in contact with the majority of my high school friends through facebook. It was, and still is very difficult. It was one of those moments I just shut my eyes and went on. I haven't spoken to these people in 15 years, and 15 years ago I just walked away, no good-bye's, no I'll see you soon, not even a "hey did I mention I'm leaving?". I didn't even do that for most of my family. One day they were talking to me, the next I was in another country.

I felt just as bad then as I do now. I cared about them all but didn't think they cared about me enough for me to try to explain what I was going through (self hate, the helmsman). The only reason I can bring myself to come back to them and say I'm sorry is because I'm transitioning so I have something to show them.

I very deeply want to talk to them, tell them about me, maybe help explain why I was the way I was. I want people who knew me such a long time ago, who were my best friends, to finally get to know ME. Mainly I want acceptance from the people that accepted me before against all odds. I'm so scared to ask for it though.

Facebook isn't much of a measuring stick but I see from it that all of my friends seem to really have their shit together. Thirty-five years old and they are sitting comfortably in life, letting it go around them, taking what they need/want as they desire. I feel like I'm six years old struggling to make sense of anything and wanting so desperately to grow up.

I just don't want to fight anymore, with myself, my partner, with imaginary encounters. I keep preparing myself to defend myself against what my friends may say, things I have no reason to think they would. I used to feel very, aggressive for lack of better words, when it came to things I believed in, including defending myself.  The last few weeks my feelings about that have changed, I have no more points to prove, no desire to make people think I'm right. I just want to live life, not prove my personality, or my beliefs, or desires, or my gender. I feel like I have a different perspective on life, I think that's fair to say. Before, I would want to tell everyone that perspective, now I just want to make it make sense to me and feel free of any obligation to make it make sense to anyone else.

So as a person this morning, I feel quite lacking. There is more to this feeling today too. Last night and this morning I was intimate with my partner, the first time in a while. I enjoyed it, more then I have in the past to be honest. I even got an erection, the first time in several weeks, and for a moment I thought "Hey not bad, I can be turned on still." but it was quickly followed by what I think is left of my dysphoria. I felt awful that it felt good, I felt like that is a feeling I didn't want to feel, the physical feeling of being hard. Then my partner started caressing me and it felt.... I can't describe it... electric. It felt so good, and it has been so long, that I started to cry.

 All of those emotions at the same time about my erection and being touched was really too much. When my mind inevitably brought the thoughts about my friends into the equation I felt broken. It feels like nothing about me works the way it should. I know I'm not like the majority of humans, I know my emotions are clouded, I know I don't really fit with the rest of the world.

I just want to stop feeling it.