Feel Me

I've been poking around my blog here trying to come up with something to write about for most of the day off and on. I seen my therapist today and I guess talking to her filled my "express myself" need for the day and I just haven't gotten the juices flowing.

I came across my post last month about feeling pretty for roughly the first time, so with the lack of much else to talk about I thought I'd give an update of sorts about my feelings.

I'm not sure how much the hormones have to do directly with bringing out my emotions, or feelings or whatever in the same sense that they are directly changing my skin. It's a bit of a chicken and the egg sort of situation. Am I able to feel more now because that's an effect of the estrogen, or is it because the other obvious effect it has has quieted my head enough that I can feel them more closely?

I'm inclined to think more the latter. There have been lots of subtle changes in me that make me think so. For example colors (wait a bit for those who know me to stop laughing) I'm "seeing" more colors now. I was even told the same by another trans person "colors will become more beautiful." or something like that, and I wasn't convinced, but it's somewhat true I'm seeing more colors.

Here's the truth though, I'm not black/white color blind but I have like.... seven colors on my palette lol. An exaggeration, of course, but my color vision is poor. I don't see more colors, I CARE about colors now. It matters to me what colors I'm wearing because of how they match me, or each other, or how some colors just look better in places then others... what ever. I'm still mix and matching the same seven colors, but I'm aware there are seven now, not black, white, grey +2.

What ever the case may be ultimately it has come down to a quieting of my dysphoria. Now that it isn't in the driver seat as much, or as often, it is basically freeing up my mind to be concerned about other things. I guess I'm the one who has made my own feelings my priority but it is the first time I have had access to them and I'm deciding to listen to them.

Some strange things too. For example I have always liked watching combat, I'm a fan of martial arts, whatever, and I still do. But I really can't handle watching butchery any more, or torture, the gratuitous gore and pain that you see in whichever media you turn on. My partner was watching something that I normally would have watched just too see what happened, but I couldn't even look at the screen, I didn't even want to hear what was going on.

I'm not sure if this belongs with feelings but I really have the desire to be social now. That is a complete turn around for me. Kinda related to that is video games. I've played my PS3 to death, poor thing, but these days I feel barely inclined to pick it up. I've watched more netflix in the last week then I have the entire year.

I guess that doesn't really sound like feelings but it's what I'm using to judge. I come downstairs, no one's home, I look at the PS3 and go... naahh. and flick on something to watch. Same with a lot of things. Things that may mean nothing to others but are great to me. Like not shaving my legs.... right. It wasn't long ago that if I felt my legs needed to be shaved there was no waiting until tomorrow, it got done now. Today for example, I was going to get a shower and I felt my leg and sure enough I needed to shave.

But I had stuff to do, and I was feeling lazy so, meh. Tomorrow.

Something as simple as that would trigger my dysphoria before. I'd start thinking things like "Why aren't you shaving your legs? Not much of a girl." feeling like I had to prove it to myself or I was proving I wasn't and that would spiral to a not happy place.

I'm much more relaxed now. Every thing I do isn't proving something to me about myself. In that calm I'm starting to organize my thoughts and emotions. From each other if nothing else.With the dysphoria at bay it has allowed me to do that, it wasn't so easy before. After talking to my therapist I've realized as the dysphoria goes away I'm slowly starting to make an identity for myself, finally.

Ugh, I feel like I'm struggling today so I'm going to stop here. I'd almost like to leave this an open post some how because the wonderful "new me" emotions I have are frequent but fleeting at this stage, it is difficult to remember good examples.