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I don't really get infatuated with anyone anymore. I'm not sure if that is a feeling left for the younger but I don't usually find myself overly curious about someone, a borderline "crush".

There is a girl on youtube, I don't remember if I had mentioned her before. Violet4151 is her U.name. I stumbled on her while randomly looking at trans related videos. I watched all of her videos and I was quite interested. There is just something about this girl that I just "feel". I have no other words for it.

I met another trans woman yesterday, in person, and I felt the same toward her. A cross of curiosity, attraction, comfort, envy and contentment. There is just something about these two people that has me totally captivated.

It took having the two of them to compare each other to and re-watching a video by Violet4151 for me to figure out why I feel this way about these two people.

Now, I don't know either of them, so I don't know what's in their heads. That being said, I think I know what it is that I see, and it's confidence. More specifically they seem so natural, they way they move, talk, behave, interact with others. That's where the envy comes in, I wish I felt that natural.

The video I was watching she was talking about just letting the transition happen during the early stages. She didn't, she wanted to force it to happen sooner, recounting a time she was having fun and wishing she was fulling transitioned to enjoy it. She talked about how we keep that feminine side in a "shadow" before coming out and that shadow is what is coming to meet us as we transition. I didn't quite understand what she was talking about the first time I watched that video, but I get it now.

I have kept this feminine side in the dark for so long and by transitioning the parts that have really been kept in the dark are starting to scramble for light. I find myself right at the peak of this stage I think. I see myself not being confident, or feeling natural, and I know it shouldn't be that way. There is a woman I have made up that I know is me. I know because whenever I get an emotional handle on her I tear up. I can picture her perfectly, every movement, every action, her voice, everything. She's me, and I want to be her as badly as a little girl wants to be a princess.

To actually connect to her though seems impossible. I see in her what I see in these two trans people I've been talking about, particularly their confidence and dignity. You know, it's not impossible, it will just require me to break through a lot of self made barriers. God how I wish I could hold on to her but she's so in the distance that it's like I'm looking at someone else.

I guess this is exactly what Violet4151 was talking about, just let it go. I think I might be thinking too much about not thinking too much, lol. This is my next big step. I've set the table, so to speak. My appearance and voice are easily passable now, I have the support from friends and family, a therapist, HRT. It is approaching time to let out my personality.

This will be, I think, the second hardest thing I have done, or will do. It feels very much like coming out again. Like the first time was just giving people information and, even though I've been 24/7 for a month now, this time I'm showing everyone. The difference between telling people you are writing a book and letting them read it.