Sun Worship

My future is feeling a little overwhelming to me today. There seems to be an endless amount of things to do before I become the woman I want. Just about every task ahead has proven impossible for me in the past. The scale, the difficulty, the shear number of things I see to come has my mind spider-webbing off on thought after thought every time I get a second to pause.

I feel like I never get a break. I have fairly busy days, like anyone else. Things to do like anyone else. I've become a stay at home mom for the time being, so I'm cooking meals, doing laundry, cleaning the house. Now that I'm going out full time I run a hand full of errands. I take care of the kiddo since my partner is working. I take care of myself, showers, shaving, exercise, entertainment, this blog those sort of things, again like anyone else.

I have money problems, like anyone else. I have no job, though I'm looking. I have no real chance of getting a good paying job, so money won't be good for a while. I really have the desire to save money (a first for me). There are things I want to do that right now seem impossible, and realistically may always be because of money. Like everyone else.

I'm constantly worried about my relationship. This transition is an all consuming thaumaturgy that I cannot control and it seems few people are safe, particularly those closest to me. I don't want to talk too much about my relationship in a blog, but I'm finding myself  just stuck. My partner isn't happy and I know it, and I know why, and I understand  but there is so much I have no control over and I'm watching that slowly chip away at the pristine relationship we had. My version of everyone's relationship problems.

As life is for many people. I squeeze out the occasional respite from all these worries like anyone else, I play some games, drink a little to much on one night, go to bed early some night. But...

how do I get a break from me?

Everything I do has my transition in it's undertone. Not much different then before I came out, then it was the constant question. Even when I'm doing nothing my transition is some how in play. I think ahead, like anyone would, some of it planning, some of it wondering, some worrying. I think to the past, what have I done, what could I have done. The present can be hard, I start paying great attention to anything and everything that my transition would effect. Everything from how I'm holding my arms while I'm sitting in a crowd to "this" wouldn't be happening if not for my transition.

Right now objectively my transition seems like the worst idea I ever had. The checklist of things to do are gargantuan. The process will be long, and costly. My career is one of those costs. My partner may end up another. It's the life equivalent of pushing a button on a mechanical bull and just holding on, hoping not everything gets shaken loose. The only thing I have to "show" for it is the intangible feelings I get and have.

I've never had anything in my life that I have done so much for me. I have no reason to do any of this other then to make me happy. I mentioned before that I'm learning how feelings are a rough user manual for ones self. This is the first time I've felt like I'm doing something for me and I didn't have to convince myself to do it. I've been selfish before but it always came with its measure of justification. Now, at this stage I guess, I don't feel like I need to justify anything to anyone. I'm doing this because it makes me feel so much better... that's it, that's really all I got.

All these other problems that are a result of, or made acute by, my transition I feel them, I really do. I want to fix them, I wish I could, or even better I wish I didn't have to. I wish I didn't have to transition and I could have had the same clarity then as I do now. The people I'm hurting, or confusing, or both, I'm so very sorry. It kills me that this is happening to them, it really does.

When I look at things though, and I want to fix them, or I wish it wasn't happening. It's inevitable I eventually think, "But I can't, and it is.". I see these problems and what's causing them, and while before I would have felt terrible (in fact it would normally be a window for my dysphoria), now I just feel how much better I feel and I can't imagine not doing whatever it is for me to feel like this.

It's strange in a way I can't describe to see all of these overwhelming complications and have my response be basically a shoulder shrug and a "this is how it is" sort of attitude. I'm happy, apparently no one truly comprehends how world shattering that is.

I feel like I'm some kind of important business CEO or whatever. People are beating on my door with appointments that need to be kept, people with things they want me to get done, and people with things they need me to get done. I hear them knocking and yelling through my door, but instead of letting them in I just turn around and stare at the clouds through the window, sip on my cognac, close my eyes and turn my face to the sun.