The Stalker

The last time I seen my therapist I believe it was more like a happy chat then a therapy session. It was a little different but refreshing, and I still got to talk about things I needed to talk about. This session came with an ominous warning. Well I don't know if she meant it that way but it felt like one. We were talking about how good I have been feeling the last week. Normally when she asks me how my week was I say something like, "up and down." but this time I said "Good. I had a pretty good week."  Now I don't remember this exactly, and I don't remember what I said to make her respond like this, but she said something like.

"The up and down you have is very normal with this (the dysphoria), you know with all those weeks you come in here that are good and bad. I'm not surprised you are telling me this today."

I love the way she talks, btw, so smooth, lol. So I said, "Are you telling me I'm going to be in here in a mess next week?" While laughing.

Her response was more or less, "Well no but." I got the hint.

And damnit if she wasn't right. Now I'm not that silly, I knew I wasn't feeling some miraculous over night healing, I really just felt better. I did think though, maybe when it came around again, I'll be able to handle it better.

I noticed it late in the week. Glances at myself in the mirror that would not have bothered me the previous week are now making me look away from the mirror in disgust. It's almost like I'm anorexic, my partner tells me I have a slender body and all I see is an overweight male. I just look misshaped to me.

I can recognize when the dysphoria is knocking on my door now, most of the time. It's like living in a horror movie. At first the killer is walking around haunting, tormenting, removing who/whatever he wants at his leisure. I'm at the part now that I know the killer is after me. I hear him coming, his footsteps, his axe scraping on the ground, and it scares me now. Now I run away. I'm trying to avoid feeling that again.

But he's always there

My doubt has started to creep back in too, I guess they go hand in hand. Every moment of dysphoric ideas, like my "man body.",  is accompanied with it's share of doubt. It's like leaving a bad relationship. You do it at first because you have to, but later something reminds you of the past and you wonder if you did the right things. Everything is good right now so you don't remember the bad stuff.

I can remember that I used to be miserable, but I don't feel it now. My day to day life feels much better, so I doubt my "choice" to transition. Funny how I can know, but I can't feel how the transition is what is making these days feel better. Not to mention my doubt is clearly linked to the feelings of dysphoria, but yet it seems so real, so legitimate of a self question.

I know now though these are feelings I'm having that I'm working on resolving, not this impossible question with no good answer. I'm just really scared to feel like that again.