Making Scents

To steal from a cliche, the only thing constant in my life now is change. It seems I've traveled this most recent tunnel of depression and am now out the other side.

I feel like I'm sitting back and watching my personality shape itself. I thought that was something I would get some say in to but it doesn't seem so much so. My week last week was a non-stop stream of bad news. Terrible news that I can't do anything about. That changes you. I haven't had to deal with these sort of feelings before because I've never been face to face with something I've want so much and is making me so happy. The majority of my past was made up of parts that I barely cared for. I didn't make much money, but I didn't care I had nothing to spend it on. My health was usually good but when I did have problems I didn't care. It didn't matter that I felt alone all the time, either. I always felt like I wasn't all that attached to this world.

Now so much more in my life is important to me. I am becoming a person that I want to cling to. I'm not saying I'm an amazing human being or anything just that this person I am now makes me feel alive, makes me want to be alive. These "normal" feelings of being a human being are powerful. I actually have no idea how the cis mind works I guess but I can't help but feel many of these powerful feelings are how people feel about themselves normally. Yes I know depression is rampant, but I'm talking basic feelings. Feeling like my skin belongs to me, or that my own mind isn't attacking me. Feeling calm in my own head is a brand-spanking-new feeling for me, one that still comes and goes.

Back to my personality being shaped. The only input I've had into how it's changing is how I decide things now. Before I would do something, or assume I am a certain way, or try to be a certain way for the people around me. I would assume it would make them happy or it would be what they would want. Now my feelings are in control. I only now realize I need to start to come to terms with not being able to control how I feel about things because now I do, assume, or try those things for me. More often now when I'm having a hard time with deciding something and it comes down to how I feel or how others would feel I go toward my own feelings. Every time I do that it's like dropping a weight off my shoulders.

I'm not talking being selfish either, I mean just being honest with my feelings. That's how I present it too, to myself or to others, "I'm sorry that simply makes me feel bad."

Mundane things as well. I was at a Wal-Mart the other day and I had little extra money so I decided to get myself a little something. Just that debate took a little effort, to get something or not, but that was more of a "should I spend this money or not.". Anyway, while walking around nothing really caught my attention until I looked down an aisle and seen what I thought was S&P grinders. When I got closer I realized it wasn't grinders it was scented oil and I thought, "Well crap, scented oil."

"Wait.... scented oil!"

I got fairly excited and looked around at the little selection they had, sniffed some oils, checked out the burner. I was looking a few minutes and I stopped and thought, "Never mind, I don't buy things like this." and walked away.

I argued back and forth with myself on why I should or should not buy it. Even though I had just decided to get something for myself with gift money, even though in total it was less then seven dollars, money was the defense I used for not getting something because it wasn't "who I am.". I walked around a little more until I finally realized what BS I was getting on with.

I wanted that oil, I was thinking about where in the house I'd put it, I was thinking about getting two, I was thinking how great it would be to have a nice pretty smell around the house and the only reason I wasn't getting it was because it wasn't something "I" would do.

Clearly myself and I are not communicating.

I picked it up, excited the whole time between deciding to buy it and getting home. I don't think there has been a day since I bought it that it wasn't lit. I love it, my partner loves it, the kiddo loves it. Such a simple thing bringing a little joy and it almost didn't happen because I have no idea who I am.

I flip flop on how I feel about that. Some days it depresses me a little, all this missed time getting to know myself. Most of the time I'm excited, it's really the only approach to take. I could get bogged down in feeling bad but that road just leads to worse things. It is an exciting time when you take the past out of the equation. I also have better tools to deal with finding myself then I had before and it can be liberating if I let it.

Not knowing who I am, exploring this new me, and getting in touch with my feelings seems to be the running themes of this blog. They really seem to be the focal point of this transition, for me. The physical and hormonal changes are wonderful, I wouldn't be in the same mental state that I am in right now if not for them. That is the key I think, they have calmed down the constant internal struggle I have had. They have given me the time to see there's an entire person behind all those walls that I need to find a doorway to.