I remember a science show I used to watch as a kid. I don't remember the name of the show but they had a motto "to find out why things are the way they are, and why they aren't something else."
That is my approach to myself. When a particular thought or emotion catches my attention I have to know where it came from. It's both a curse and a boon. Often times the reasons I find are not good ones, often times it's little bits of proof that I'm not as good as a person as I think I am. Sometimes though it teaches me something about myself that I can take and run with.
Also, it leaves no situation "simple" to me. I rarely just do what I feel. What I feel has always been kept in check by how I think I should act or feel.
This stems straight from being transgender. It started as me thinking of excuses to feel, or do the things I needed to feel and do.
For example when I would inevitably need to go out and buy some feminine clothes I would come up with every excuse to myself for it to be ok for a "guy" to be buying lingerie. Or the 100 excuses I would have to come up with daily on why I thought it was ok to be a guy with long hair.
I would always come up with easy answer for others; "I'm buying lingerie for my girlfriend" sort of answers. But I would, and still do, beat that feeling to death for my own answer and simple isn't good enough for me.
My therapist has even said this to me, that I have to know "why" I feel things.
There is a "However" here though. As I'm going through this transition I'm starting to become more and more comfortable with just being me. Perhaps that's the underlying reason for my personal scrutiny, nothing felt right so I had to explain where it was all coming from. My personality is changing because of it. I'm not impulsive by any means but I have an easier time letting things happen now. An easier time accepting I feel a certain way because I feel a certain way, that's actually a good enough explanation.
It's so relaxing.
How it's shaping my personality is it's starting to make me avoid situations where I cause myself to relentlessly figure out "why". My mind is tired of having to search for reasons, tired of having to defend itself from itself.
The hardest part of this is letting it go. It's not "like" I'm giving up a part of me, it "is" that. It's a part of me I was never really happy with, but it was a necessary part of my survival. A lot of me comes from this, being so aggressive, opinionated, brutishly honest, less empathic then I started. All of those things have been for survival, I can vaguely recall the moment when I invited each one into my life.
Now I want to let them go, set them adrift like some sort of lantern festival. I don't think I need them anymore, and besides that when I see each of those survival tactics show it's face it makes me want to throw up. It feels, right to my core, like those are a part of my past self that I'm letting go, not a part of the woman I see myself to be.
My last few weeks have been hard on me and my foresight. What does happen though is from time to time the "purity" shines through, like I'm uncovering buried treasure. I feel those defensive parts disappear for a while and everything is calm, and so clear.
It's like I just woke up from a deep sleep.
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