While I was standing in line with my partner for some snacks I suddenly remembered this was only the second time I've been out to a movie. Was it ever different then the first time.
The first time I went to a movie was just after coming out, maybe a month. It was also one of the first times I went in public presenting female. Maybe the fourth or fifth time. I was so scared. I managed to get a few friends together and my partner for safety in numbers, but I was too scared to walk away from the group on my own, worried that someone would want to talk to me, even a simple hello was worrisome.
When friends go out like that, little things tend to happened that break one of all of us up, almost always out of some sort of efficiency. Someone gets the popcorn while others use the bathroom or get seats or whatever, I'm sure you know what I mean. I felt useless, like a kid, a drag net slowing people down. I couldn't be by myself so every talk had to include "What will we do with Becky?"
This time though it was completely different. It was just myself and my partner, we were standing in the line up for snacks. I was there just talking to my partner, thinking about if I wanted to pay a grand for some popcorn or not. I paused for a moment and looked around and realized I was in a very crowded area and I felt fine. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't super confident or anything, I was still concerned people could tell but I felt so much better about it. For one I thought it would be pretty hard to tell, you'd have to look pretty closely, and two I actually wasn't too scared of someone finding out. That is almost certainly a product of not having any bad responses from people who have found out, so I'm guessing that will change in the future when someone reminds me there are still bigots in the world.
Anyway it was nice to just go to a movie, there wasn't any build up, the worst part of the day was trying to figure out the bus to meet up with my partner. I had no anxiety, in fact I think I've mentioned, I like riding the bus now. It's a good combination of public but with an unspoken privacy that makes it feel just safe enough for me to "get out there."
It's amazing the power just having people see me has. People accept you with their eyes, I tend to avoid eye contact but you can watch where their eyes go and how they react. Every smile, every time someone "checks me out." it makes me feel better. Even the non-reactions are great, someone looks at me, sizes me up and goes "meh", that's perfect! I don't need any more attention then that.
Oh, and the bus drivers are flirts, every one of them, lol.
One more thing before I go, there was something I said to my partner that after I said it I realized how... "well fitting." it was. I simply asked her "Do you remember the first time I came out to a movie?" she started to talk about our first movie together until I corrected her, "No I mean, *my* first time." She knew what I meant then and we started talking about it.
I started thinking right away though, I really meant my first time. I really felt like this was only my second time out to a movie in my entire life. Then I realized how I felt like my entire life is about 4 months long right now. There will come days that that idea will make me feel bad, I'll dwell on the lost time. For now though it's kinda nice. I didn't mean to start thinking or feeling that way, like all these experiences are the first time I've experienced it, but it utterly feels that way. Every thing I do now is for the first time and it gives me a real sense of being this new person. Having that realization makes me want to approach every situation like that as well. As scary as new things are Id rather feel scared about the anxiety over something different then feeling like I've done this before in another body I don't want to remember. To approach things with a curious innocence because I don't know how I'll react to things now. I don't know how I feel about situations that would have been mundane before and I'm excited to look at everything with new eyes.
My eyes.
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