I Thought I Said Please?

I've decided to write a post today despite all better judgement and advice. Yesterday I went to the doctor and got told something that is changing me profoundly, and is the final nail in the coffin. Excuse me if I'm a little vague today

I'm almost certain I'm at rock bottom. I say almost because being certain just invites being shown differently. I'm home alone today and I can't even think of my own self without bursting into tears. I've been passing time with the Daily Show and some PS3. I feel like everything about me has never and will never produce anything good. My personality, likes, dislikes, wants, desires, education, etc. all of it creating nothing of value, most of it tearing things apart. 

Like how intelligent I think I am. I try to talk modestly of how intelligent I think I am, but I suppose do come across like think I'm quite smart.

But I don't. Know what I really think about it? I think I'm just stupid enough to think I'm brilliant and not know the difference. When I look at my life there really is more evidence to support that then any other idea. 

I need something about *Me* to lead to something good for once. Anything. Let me be an expert knitter, I don't care, just something. 

How many more hits before I fall down I wonder? It's almost becoming a game for me now. The bad news, bad feelings, bad thoughts, dismantled relationship, the dissolving ego, let's just keep it all coming. Why not? Let's see just how high shit can stack, that's the game now isn't it?

It's amazing how just a few weeks ago I was here talking about how good I felt and now I feel like nothing has ever gone right, and never will, I'm living a life of self contained torture. Can someone please tell me which one will be the norm eventually? Please?

I can't keep guessing.

I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go, I don't know who I am.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be here.