I was something similar to angry, it's beyond frustrating to see all the available options I have to make my body feel right but have no access to it simply because of money. As usual, money is the gatekeeper to happiness.
I'm not feeling like that any more. Now I feel more of an impotent depression. There is just too much, I feel like I'm trying to dam the ocean with my hands. Whenever I think for a second that maybe I have a handle on things all I have to do is look around and I can see I'm accomplishing nothing. The incredibly rare times I actually feel not bad there is always someone or something around to remind me it's not as good as I think it is.
I don't know how much longer I can bare all of this. I wrote before how it seems like I have made little sacrifices since coming out, that I made them all before. I'm starting to think those sacrifices are still yet to come.
Something is going to have to give and I feel like I have no control over what that is. I'm honestly just doing my best to deflect it from not landing on my own life. I hate being in this spot where suicide seems like the perfect answer, but it certainly is. All my problems will go away, I'll stop thinking finally, I'll stop feeling like I do nothing but destroy everything around me, only fitting I be the last thing I destroy. I'd leave one problem behind, and that is the problem of others getting over the loss. Regardless of what people say, time takes care of that problem.
Lately my transition has actually been what has kept those thoughts at bay. It seemed somewhat foolish to commit suicide while I'm in the middle of transitioning. That's exactly why I'm doing this, to prevent suicide from happening. The last two days though as I look down the road of transition it looks too long and impossible. There are too many things I need to try to balance, most of which conflict with each other. There is only so much more pressure I can take and my knife will start cutting. Have a problem with no solution? Let it go, make it not my problem anymore.
People say they are there for me for support, and I appreciate the sentiment, but the reality is I'm doing this by myself. I have no one in my life willing/wanting/trying to help me resolve any of this, does anyone? People are ok with being someone to talk to, but let's face it, it's only talk at. I doubt I have someone's full attention across a text screen while they are at work, or home with children/spouses/TV.
Well look at that, I just laid out the trinity of depression; loneliness, overwhelming pressure and loss of control. I really need this to stop, I really need a day where something gets better rather then worse, or more gets added to the list. I only have so many days of looking on the bright side left in me before the darkness has its way.
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