Galaxy Express

It's strange how memories work. This is the first time I can follow a string of memories and actually see the line it drew. It sorta make me wonder how often memories do that, and if it's in anyway on "purpose".

I was watching some children's cartoon the other day. Well by watching I mean it was on while I tried not to watch it, I was writing in this blog actually. I had been typing away for a while and looked up to see some monkey's.. or kids... same thing, on a train in space. I looked at it and thought "Yep." Looked down and continued typing.

Then in a flash I thought "Wait, train in space... WTF was THAT movie called!?". It took quite a few awkward google searches but I eventually found the name of an anime movie I was trying to remember.

"Galaxy Express 999"

Wow has it ever been a long time since I seen that movie, roughly 20ish years ago. I found it to download (yay torrents) and I only had to wait four days to get it. That sucker is 2hrs long!

I started to think about it off and on during those four days. I couldn't remember a whole lot of detail, I just remembered I thought it was really good (it's not bad btw, lol) but I also had a deep deep connection to this movie. I could recall the basics of it, there were humans in the world and "machine people". Humans who gave up their bodies for mechanical ones, for what ever reason.

Knowing it was about giving up your body for another I kinda started to figure where I was going with it, obviously. So after a few days I started to watch it in pieces. The moment it gets to one of the main characters I started thinking how she seemed like the center of my memories, not the actual main character who is a young boy.

When they said her name for the first time, I thought "Right! She's a machine but not everyone knows." Then there is a part where they X-ray the boy and this girl and she looks human. That was when I remembered it all. She was a special machine that lived within a human body and got a new one as she became old. Gruesome I know, but she is also being forced to. She was the memory I was looking for, and as I started watching the movie I stopped having memories and started having feelings, especially during scenes that this woman is in, and she's in just about the entire movie.

I don't ever really recall thinking "I want to give up my body for a mechanical female one." I remember no thoughts at all actually. I do remember feeling like she was beautiful, a soft kind woman. Blonde, thin, wise beyond her years, calm, and a deep sadness. I felt so connected to her she was the reason I watched that movie over and over. I did feel like it would be wonderful to be like her, and I even felt like if I could give up my body I'd like to be her, or like her, but I never once connected the dots.

It's a little strange having these old memories and feelings come up. I don't have much of a memory, I never did. I'm too busy thinking to be concerned about what's gone on around me enough to remember it. I do keep having them though, and while part of me thinks it's just my memories influenced by the me now, and I'm finding things I want to find. There is another part that thinks I started down that path, and others like it, so randomly. I don't feel like I'm forcing these feelings and memories, more like I'm doing a treasure hunt. I'm just following the map and stuff keeps popping up.

I write about these memories because I used to look for other trans stories of their past and compare them to mine all the time. So I'm assuming there are other trans out there now, doing the same. When I found them I would read/listen/watch as much as I could to see if I could find anything to relate to. Most days I found something, some days I didn't. What I wish I found was this, someone who was also saying let your own validation from the past go. The search for memories can be a punishing one. What if you find none? So you're miserable now for no reason? Certainly not the reason you are thinking you "might" be miserable, and have been thinking that for years and years. It can't be that because I'd remember something...

That's crap.

What if you find one? So now automatically you're transgender? Imagine if that were the case? That's almost a sign if there ever was one. What if both things meant "truth" I remember something and therefore I am transgender, or I don't remember anything therefore I am not transgender.

Which one terrifies you?

I used to think I only had crap memories, that they didn't mean enough to say I was. What I was too scared to realize was the idea of that felt AWFUL and that says so much. I'm more comfortable in my own body and emotions now, and I see the pain, pressure, happiness and elation for what they are now, at least compared to how I used to. It's only now things are starting to make sense.