Seppuku

I have lived the majority of my life wanting to commit suicide. That is something I would never have told anyone before, only a hand full of people, and they all thought it was in my past. The only reason I can now tell you is it only now has come off the table of possible "life choices". I didn't want to tell anyone I felt this way in case I wanted to go through with it, I didn't want someone to try and stop me.

Like I said, it's off the table now. Instead of it being the first choice I go to, it's a distant 5th or 6th. I guess that still may be a little higher on the list then most but it's light years from where it was. I have found myself during hard days thinking about ending it finally, but lately I have ACTUALLY thought to myself that I have something to live for now, if I die now I wont get to see my transition finish. I don't know how many of you are suicidal but that thought is mind-blowing. I have never once used myself as the reason to live. I am alive because my parents still are. I used to tell myself I couldn't do that to them at first, when I was younger. As I got older and started losing friends and family I didn't feel the need to "stick around" for them. All I could gather together to tell myself was dying won't give me the serenity I crave, it just gives me blackness. The only thing keeping me here was knowing suicide was just something else that would, ultimately, end up with me not getting what I wanted, peace. Being alive was simply statistically better at getting me more options then being dead.

I first got a taste of this wanting to be alive when out driving one day. Nothing big happened but a car pulled in front of us that shouldn't have and we got startled, blah blah. My normal reaction to that would be "Close, maybe next time." but that day I was scared a little. I found myself being concerned for my own life for, I'm pretty sure, the first time ever. I thought to myself  "What a waste to die now, a few months into transition and not get to finish.".

The difference now is I don't want this part of me to go away. I want this part to become "me" and it is starting to, finally.

That is the irony of this all. I spent years convincing myself to not kill myself unknowingly, I guess, holding out for my transition. Now while I transition I'm slowly killing the part of me  that I want to go away and I am finding that serenity.

How do I say "This is my best suicide attempt ever." without it sounding morbidly dark?

I'm happy to be alive, for once.