The effects

Well I just wrote about some feminizing tips so I thought I'd talk about what effects the hormones have had on me. I used to search for these types of blogs/youtube videos a lot before coming out, even more when I started HRT. I've eased off a bit now, I'm starting to become more and more ok with just letting it happen. That and I can look in the mirror and see my own example now, I can see some real changes.

So the biggest change is my skin, it has become so soft (the exfoliating too remember). I find myself running my hands over myself all the time. Even when I scratch an itch the feel of my own skin surprises me. It's the main thing that makes me feel like a woman, knowing how my skin feels, even looks.

Kinda related is my body shape in general. I've lost the extra weight on my abdomen and waist and I have grown some hips. I have the beginnings of the "hourglass" figure that women have. Another big change is my shoulders and upper back. I used to be an amateur body builder after I lost all my weight and for my size, my back and shoulders were pretty large. Now I am much smaller, the only measurement I have is my hands. It used to feel like grabbing a cantaloupe, now it's like an apple (accurate, I know.). My favorite change is my bum! It seemed like all of my mid-drift weight went to my ass, lol. Since I had no ass before it is so awesome! haha. I fill out girls jeans now so much better :)

So there's that...

I started noticing a change in my breasts fairly early.. ish. About 2.5 months in I guess. As of last week I look like I have breasts while naked, rather then "man boobs". I actually fill out an "A" cup now too, and look like I have a little cleavage with a bra on. They haven't really gotten all that sensitive though, even my nipples, which my doc seems a little puzzled about but not concerned. Speaking of which, my nipples have changed, the look and feel of them. The areola has gotten larger and they feel more "full".

My face has become more feminine and I don't know how to tell you how. It just looks more feminine. I used to put on eye shadow, blush, bronzer, moisturizer, foundation and concealer just to get the right look. Now I put on foundation and lipstick, done. Some of that is confidence I suppose.

That's all the physical stuff right now. One thing people talk about but no one really effectively warned me of is the emotional effects. Everyone joked "Oh it's going to be like having a teenager around with all the new hormones.", even me. But damn, was I not prepared. I am MUCH more emotional now then before but it's not tumultuous like it was, it's like walking through a wading pool of emotions, nothing really being more assertive then the other, each one just waiting to get passed through. When I first started taking the hormones and feeling the changes it was more like a sharknado. Every emotion would come screaming into my face, slap me a few times and go away... maybe. Maybe it'll wait for another one to show up too. Maybe it'll say "fuck it" and eat your face... see what I'm getting at here?

Anyway, as I said they have calmed down. I know this is complicated, like maybe I wouldn't feel like this if I didn't also look like I do, or etc etc but I feel the emotional effects of the hormones and transitioning in general have been, god let me get my thesaurus...

Pure jubilation.

Things that I thought would be painful to "give up" end up putting a smile on my face. For example, I was concerned about losing my strength, I'm pretty small, and sneakyly strong, was. Yesterday I picked up a suitcase full of books that I would have had no trouble with but this time it took effort. Instead of thinking "Oh god it has started." I thought "Oh look at that." <smile> "Maybe I'll ask one of the boys to bring it back up." <little giggle>

little odd writing that..

I find myself happy to see it go. I really try to search my feelings for any sense of loss but all I end up doing is making a checklist of all the fucks I don't give. Sometimes I get emotional over how much I don't care, but it's usually because I center on the calm, content feeling I'm having over the situation and it overwhelms me. Years of repressed emotions literally leaking out of my eyeballs I suppose.

The content, calm, serene feeling in my own skin is a completely new emotion to me. I didn't know people could feel like this. I get overwhelmed often... right now in fact, when I think about it, or feel it because it's so powerful. I wonder, sometimes, if "everyone" feels like this and they have no idea how much they don't appreciate it.

Ok I've been writing too long. take care everyone.