The Art of Being Alone

If you are someone I know and you start getting offend as you read this, please keep going.

I've briefly mentioned before that I don't have many friends. I have my partner, of course, I have one close friend that lives too far away for my liking, a little group of friends that could be close I think, if we lived closer and one friend who lives near by. That is just about it, other then that there are several people who come in and out of my life that are really more like acquaintances. The last friend I mentioned, the one living close by, is more or less what I want to talk about.

We've known each other for three years now, roughly. We met in school and have worked together as well as spending time at each others house. He is supportive of my transition but I honestly can't remember if I have spoken to him since... or even if it was me or my partner that told him. He is becoming another acquaintance and it's totally my fault.

I am not a very good friend. In fact, I don't really know how to be a friend. I don't know how to start a friendship, the ones I have have always started from circumstance only. I don't know how to keep or maintain a friendship at all.

That's because I have no practice. Sure I've had lots of friends go through my life, and I understand many do in most people's lives but I push my friends away. I will go down a list of friends on facebook for example, and think "I should talk to them/him/her." but it's almost immediately followed by "Why would they want to talk to me?"

It's only in the last few weeks that it has started to sink in that I feel that way because of my own self worth. It seems impossible to me that anyone would want to chat with me, see how my day was, help me with something, go out someplace with me. Besides all of that, people are busy, people have lives, people have other things to do then talk to me.

Creating a facebook profile was "reaching out" for me. Just knowing that my main reason for having one is for human contact seems like asking for too much help. This blog is the same way. I wanted to start this almost right away when I started transitioning. It was only by convincing myself that just by doing it I will help myself, and I didn't need or want others to be reading it.

But I do.

Want to know the dilemma of it all? To open myself up like that, to talk with people, to ask for help, even a friendly ear makes me feel awful. I've done nothing to deserve your kindness, why are you giving it to me?

Even my close friend that lives far away. He has been the salvation of our friendship but yet I feel awkward sending him a message. I spend several minutes staring at my phone trying to think of what to say that doesn't sound like I'm asking for something, or whatever, and usually come up with nothing.

So I'm going to try to start doing something new. I'm going to try and stop thinking that every time someone see's "Rebecca" pop up on a chat screen or something that they don't immediately roll their eyes and think "God, what now." Maybe I can save a few friends.